fruitisgoodSenior Contributor
Stress with starting new job. Feeling uncertaintys
Ill start by writing that Im not making any moves right now as Im in an emotional headspace, and purely emotional decisions have ruled my life for such a long time.
However, despite talking it out with a support line counsellor (who gave some good advice to ponder), my mum, and a friend, Im still feel incredibly overwhelmed and would like to vent in a safe anonymous space.
So recently I started a new job. A job I was nervous to even start. I doubted myself many times and pushed through and found my courage to tell myself "I can do this". Its been okay so far although theres been a niggling feeling at the back of my mind that I cant shake. Ive been ashamed to mention it because everyone is proud of me for getting this far.
Anyways, Recently, I also got sick with covid and had to take time off.
I told my employer and was very transparent about it. That was mid last week.
Yesterday my employer messages me to ask if im working this coming week because they 'havent heard from me at all since Wednesday'.
Ive been sick. also the last message we left on gave me the impression nothing needed to be said until I was feeling better. Im still not feeling better as I write this.
I respond and again try to be transparent. In hindsight, doing too much and defending myself, but with intent to really REALLY show them Im serious and genuine and care.
I tell them I cant commit to early next week.
Their next message then asks me some slightly personal questions about my health. Do I get sick often. What's my immunity like. Already I have my hackles up. I did find out after this interaction that this line of questioning is actually not okay, but in the moment I felt cornered and small and responded as best as I could.
Then the next message was another personal question. How is my back issues? Because I mentioned it during a shift but didnt mention it in my initial interview.
This set me off into tears as I felt like I was caught out in a lie. But the thing is, I used to have bad back pain but I've learned to manage it with care and exercise. and I didnt feel it necessary to mention that in my interview as it doesnt impact my ability to work.
Again though, I answered honestly.
After that the conversation went silent. I cried for a few hours, as this interaction has triggered some big things inside me. This is what I was afraid of starting working under an employer again.
At about 9pm last night I get another message from them saying 'Keep me posted as best you can as it would be beneficial (<exact word used) for you to finish your training this week.
I didnt respond this time. Went to sleep. Tried to switch off. Woke up with my heart racing with anxiety.
So here's the thing. I have some stuff going on, which Im sure many if not all of you on here can relate to in some fashion, since thats what this forum is about. Navigating the world when it feels like your leg is busted is ... hard. Not impossible. I adapt. Ive learned to overcome challenges. Im determined to live rather than just exist. But the reality is my leg IS busted (metaphorically speaking) and so some things are really hard.
I know that trying to get back into the world is going to bring up triggers. and I have struggled historically with work relationships and holding my ground. My support counsellor told me this can be good practice grounds for learning to stand up for myself.
But im feeling REALLY off. This interaction has left such a bad taste in my mouth. I understand that theyre probably just stressed and trying to make sure im reliable, however I also really didnt like that interaction and Ive woken up weighing up if I do want to continue afterall. Its messy. I think ill have more to write but right now ill leave it here.
