Please help me

I’ve got C-PTSD, anxiety, depression, fibromyalgia, hypermobility and epilepsy just to note a new of my multitude of health problems. My psychologist thinks I’m undiagnosed AuDHD and the more I look into it, the more that I think she’s right.
I have been having increasingly frequent and severe thoughts of hurting or ending myself since April this year after I remembered being D’d and R’d by my bf at the time who would become my stalker.
Nearly 5 years later I’m safe in a different city and a couple of months ago I would have said I was happy in my relationship. Now I’m unsure and scared and very vulnerable at the moment.
To be clear from the get go there is no DV in my current relationship and he is loving and kind and supporting me while I’m not working and is a genuinely great person. He was dealing with bad burnout towards the end of last year with a demanding job and I finally convinced him to change jobs and get into therapy. During that time, I was working in one of the most toxic government departments doing three roles at once, being actively bullied by the Director and managers, I was having regular injections in my spine that made it nearly impossible to walk for a few days after, having multiple seizures a day from the stress and took over literally everything around the house except the bills that he would normally cover.
I have now left that job and have been temping while I heal from that last place. I had had multiple death threats from members of the public that had been convicted of horrific crimes, etc.

Now that his stress has died down, he has not picked up any of the slack and only does one or two things after I beg him at least 12 times to do the things I physically can’t because I am disabled. We’re living in a pigsty because I’m so exhausted and depressed and don’t have the energy to clean. He came to me this morning asking me what needed doing around the house (like everything mate, use your eyes) and wanted me to make him a list. I said I just wanted clean clothes (our laundry is down multiple flights of stairs). Every time he’s done a load he announces it like a toddler that’s wiped their own bum the first time and I have to praise him. If I announced every time I did something nothing would get done!
My thoughts are now at the point of planning and my psychologist asked him two weeks ago to remove anything dangerous from the home and lock it up and take charge of my medication. Do you think he did that? You guessed it! Nope! I’ll get to the reason why in a bit but you’ve probably already guessed it

I have an appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow after over six months of being rejected by practices for being too complicated and too S-idal - I just don’t feel like I can make it to then

I self presented a few nights ago and took my meds and schedule and everything and was there for 14 hours and was not spoken to by anyone. Then a psychiatrist had apparently reviewed by case notes which was a perfect DASS score from the day before and a letter from my psychologist who I had seen that night that wrote me a letter when I told her I think I needed to self present but my partner was against it.
He works from home three days of the week and is on his computer playing games otherwise.
After we left my psychologist to go home to grab my meds and some clothes thinking that surely they’d help me, he spent the whole time asking if I was sure I wanted to go! Didn’t help me pack anything, just lay on the bed and then played on the computer. Didn’t ask me how I was feeling, if I needed help. Nothing. Drive there, I asked HIM how he was feeling and again it was he didn’t think I needed to go there! Didn’t hold my hand walking in, walked ahead of me then sat and played Pokémon on his phone. I honestly just wanted him to grab my stuff from the car and leave me there alone because I felt more alone with that.
He left when they took me to the crisis unit waiting room and came back in the morning talking about how tired and sore he was. I’d not been given any of my pain meds or any depressants and sat in the waiting room of a psych ward but yeah, having a whole Queen bed to yourself but have been rough. Didn’t ask how I was or how I slept or anything. Nurse pulled him into another room and he was informed that the psychiatrist said that I wasn’t S enough for treatment even though I gave all the details of all 8 plans I had at the ED desk and that I needed to take more accountability for myself. When I asked to leave they then asked me to wait and a registrar came and spoke to me and said a psychiatrist would come and talk to me in half hour. 45 minutes go by, it’s been 14 hours without pain medication or any of my other prescriptions including my anti depressants and epilepsy medication so I said that I wanted to leave now. They said I couldn’t and offered me V pill and I said no I want to leave now and I know I’m allowed to leave because I’m voluntary. They asked me to wait a couple of minutes for them to grab my stuff. Someone who had come into that waiting room literally five minutes beforehand and I know this because they were showing them around, literally within five minutes of them arriving I heard “hi I’m a pharmacist and I’m here to review your medication and get you your medication”. I’ve missed two rounds of medication so I said to give me my stuff now and that they were disgusting and left in tears and wanting to S more than before.
I asked on the way home why he didn’t manage my meds when my psych asked him to because he said that he was going to do it this time. He said that I didn’t remind him and he thought we were going to talk about it. Mind you, the second I heard my partner was having even an inkling of those thoughts, the means would be removed, the meds would be under my control and I’d be asking them how they’re feeling! Am I crazy for expecting at least a tiny bit of that?

My partner finally did a sweep of the house that he made me to help with in case he missed anything even though I told him that was triggering because holding those things made me want to use them!

I have been wanting to do this creative project for a while and today I went stuff it, I’ll do it and it will be fun. All my friends keep telling me to do it because I’m good at it so I told my partner and hopped onto the computer to buy supplies. I was trying to show him a few things and asked what he thought and he just didn’t even look, grunted and shrugged his shoulders. After the third time I just shut down and turned the computer off and went to rest because I remembered more about the R including the feelings in my body and the pain from it. He stormed in demanding to know why I left and I said that I had shut down. Now we have had dozens of conversations about what makes me shut down because I was very neglected as a child.

I said that I’ve shut down and I might try again tomorrow but it’s made me not want to do it anymore because it just crushed that tiny spark I’d had for the first time in over three months.
For my career, I’ve had to go through every single traumatic thing and all of my medical history with a fine tooth comb and describe everything in detail and justify why I didn’t leave the DV situation earlier. So my whole life is under scrutiny even though I’ve literally done nothing wrong. I’ve had lawyers go through the documents for me and they said that I had been failed by the system at every single stage and that they were helping me for free to show that the whole world isn’t this cruel.

So that with the weekly psychology appointment with DBT and EMDR and unlocking some really messed up memories has just made the whole world feel bleak, the future dark and pointless and I have this black hole inside me sucking out my energy, hope, soul and happiness. I was journaling last night after my partner neglected me again and it ended up being 12 pages justifying doing IT and I couldn’t find any logical rebuttals and my degrees and training all revolve around seeing and analysing things from every possible angle and I’m normally excellent at that. But right now, there isn’t a rebuttal. There isn’t a point. I don’t even think about guilt now because you can’t feel guilt if you don’t exist.
All of my friends are away or not responding to me. My dad is in Melbourne and I don’t want to put him under financial pressure to come up unless absolutely necessary. I have no job because I’m too sick to work. My partner is just useless which is the worst part because a few months ago that would be the last thing I’d say about him. I’ve tried weighted blankets, hot and cold therapy, massages, magnesium spas, comedies, crocheting, reading, journaling, mindfulness, patting my cat, playing games, I’m just out of answers.
I have to go to his family get together in an hour and a half and I just don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t feel safe going to the ED. The mental health lines have long wait times and I have no privacy because I’m on watch so he would hear me. I almost can’t even cry anymore and I’m planning what stuff would go to who and working out the forms that would need to be filled out so I can have them printed and filled in so I don’t burden anyone with that stuff.
Please if anyone has any solutions, I’m all ears. I can’t take this anymore