i know i love him, i post this not to ask if im wrong, right stubborn pr mean, i post this for it being hard & i feel its going to be understood he

when i moved countries at 13 it was my choice and i made it for a lie disguised as a promise.

ii didnt know adults lied , i had a good family and didnt know that either

iWhen mum said ' ino you cant have it' i heard your not loved. not 'id really love you to have it son im sorry i have no money'..

So i didnt think much at all when promised my first brand new BMX.

I was so happy to hear yes you can have it i agreed to move overseas and live with this man i had never known till few days ago, He was my biological father, never called him dad.

only knew him by his first name, this choice i made out of spite and it ended up staying.

Didnt take long till i learned what being in a place where no person, street/object or anything

was familiar felt like.

i only existed by name not bond and was having all these people tell me they were family.

Telling them i have a family and your not it was not because im difficult or unruly id say i was angry f[f being laughed at when i bought up my BMX i was learning to say nothing and i didnt get to renege like he did when i decided i wanted to go home.

I would talk to mum on phone and soon stopped giving her feedback when she would tell me its what i chose. Next choice i made was make them send me back regardless of if i got hit harder or more often so thats where i learned to be alone and not attach to anyone by i5 i learned only trust given is broken and people omly hurt or betray you as many times they are given.

I learned to cut anyone off and mot get stung twice by xame person and it became an ingrained hardline blanket for all. its how i survived, and drugs but thing is then i had kids.

kids grew into adults, kids werent under that blanket and i got used to thier shit anyway then i was left with anxiety disorder psd stuff after a thing and when they see me brokeb they dont support they verbally attack which i cant get through like used to and the reaction is picked up ang they back off

one doesnt and he hurts me, im told to stay away from him and his family he doesnt want my grandson knowing me and means it, he says this while im living in a shed with no water and only a lightswitch from a breakup because of my anxious moods and i broke on top of the trauma and it stayed until i radically accepted it hurt too much. mum said mmaybe they see me like i saw my dad and i lost myself to bitter resentments that i had to stop feeling. my son was now treated like an outsider his attempt to be nice on friday coz it was my birthday has pissed me off not made me haooy. i had this all written out saturday and lost half of it somehow and cant be bothered writing it all out again i just curious if others see my self defence mechanism as self sabotage coz you dont hurt people you love. annoy the shit out of them sure but dont kick them when they down & defenceless