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Forgiving or not being haunted by abusive parent

SugarshackSenior Contributor10 Sept 2025, 10:02 am AEST

Forgiving or not being haunted by abusive parent

My father was a terrible person, and my mother was right there by his side. In her beliefs and statements, "he was bad and she was good".

After my mother left my father, she continued to do abusive/neglectful acts which made me learn that "both parents were bad".

And I am haunted by being tricked, lied to and manipulated to believe my mother was "good", because if she was "good" we would have a normal and happy family.

I am constantly haunted and angered by her lies and delusions and her extreme mental illness, and I feel angry every day like I want to punish my mother for "trying to ruin my life".

It feels like this:

Content/trigger warning

She tried to drown me for so long.

I swam up to the top of the water and saw that she was purposefully trying to drown me.

I swam away from her, far away and made it so that she could never, ever get to me again.

Now I want to drown her because she tried to drown me, and I feel like saying to everyone...

"MY MOTHER TRIED TO DESTROY ME PHYSICALLY AND SPIRITUALLY FOR THREE DECADES BUT I SURVIVED AND DID YOU KNOW THAT SHE WAS WRONG THE WHOLE TIME AND I AM A DECENT PERSON AND SHE TRIED TO DESTROY ME AND SHES STILL WALKING AROUND MOVED TO A NEW TOWN WHERE SHE PRETENDS TO BE A NICE PERSON BUT ........I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHY SHE TRIED TO DESTROY ME SO I CAN UNDERSTAND WHY MY LIFE WAS SO WIERD FOR SO LONG"

She tried to drown me for so long. I swam up to the top of the water and saw that she was purposefully trying to drown me. I swam away from her, far away and made it so that she could never, ever get to me again. Now I want to drown her because she tried to drown me, and I feel like saying to everyone... "MY MOTHER TRIED TO DESTROY ME PHYSICALLY AND SPIRITUALLY FOR THREE DECADES BUT I SURVIVED AND DID YOU KNOW THAT SHE WAS WRONG THE WHOLE TIME AND I AM A DECENT PERSON AND SHE TRIED TO DESTROY ME AND SHES STILL WALKING AROUND MOVED TO A NEW TOWN WHERE SHE PRETENDS TO BE A NICE PERSON BUT ........I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHY SHE TRIED TO DESTROY ME SO I CAN UNDERSTAND WHY MY LIFE WAS SO WIERD FOR SO LONG"

6 replies

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In response to: Forgiving or not being haunted by abusive parent

jrnSenior Contributor10 Sept 2025, 10:15 am AEST

Re: Forgiving or not being haunted by abusive parent

@Sugarshack thanks for sharing

My wife comes from a similar situation. Her dad was quite violent, and her parents separated during her late childhood. She was never accepted fully into the new family when her mum remarried. She was always the black sheep.

Eventually my wife realised, well into adulthood that her mum was a narcissist, and quite toxic.

They had a massive falling out and haven't had contact since. My 5yo son has never really met his grandparents because of this, but it's for the better.

My wife still struggles with the lack of a mother, especially on birthdays etc.

It's a hard road for her but she is an amazing person, as I know that you are.

I think realising the the people you choose to have in your life a far more supportive and healthy than those that are bound to you by blood, has been really helpful for her.

Sorry to waffle on, but I can really empathise with what you are feeling.

In response to: Re: Forgiving or not being haunted by abusive parent

SugarshackSenior Contributor10 Sept 2025, 10:34 am AEST

Re: Forgiving or not being haunted by abusive parent

Good morning mate, thankyou very much for your 'waffling' I appreciate it 🙂

And I thank you for returning your lived experience, because I forget that I also know other people who have survived severe trauma and they are some of the best and nicest people I know.

I think one of the issues in my life is that I am very emotionally needy and I have friends but I still dont have many close relationships, and I crave quality relationships, which i am working on.

I also do regular recognition sessions of (feeling emotion) -> (I feel angry because my mother was so horrible) -> (feels less angry because i have identified source of anger) but it is an annoying loop, also.

Thankyou and have a nice day.

In response to: Forgiving or not being haunted by abusive parent

RhymsterSenior Contributor10 Sept 2025, 2:22 pm AEST

Re: Forgiving or not being haunted by abusive parent

I have virtually the same situation, I let no one define Me and have let go of hatred because you have to care to hate

In response to: Re: Forgiving or not being haunted by abusive parent

OaktreeSenior Contributor10 Sept 2025, 7:25 pm AEST

Re: Forgiving or not being haunted by abusive parent

@jrn @Rhymster @Sugarshack

Trigger Warning

Content/trigger warning

I am in the same situation. My dad was abusive and after mum left him, she was emotionally abusive. Now I have no relationship with either of them. I tried with my mum for years, but she just enjoyed hurting me so when she cut off contact, I didn't chase her. I did write her a card after years for my own healing, but she never contacted me back. Really, it's her loss. She is probably going around with some sob story as to why none of her six kids contact her, but she is the poorer for it. Like your mum she is incredibly narcissistic. My kids don't know their grandparents, and they don't mind at all because they know how difficult things were for me.

In response to: Re: Forgiving or not being haunted by abusive parent

SugarshackSenior Contributor11 Sept 2025, 12:24 am AEST

Re: Forgiving or not being haunted by abusive parent

Dear Oaktree, thankyou very much for your reply it is 'haunting' to see the same pattern in there but, the more I study it the more I learn that I am not alone in the way I was treated.

I wish my mother had shared how SHE was treated so I could understand and love her. The way I see it, she morphed from abused to abuseR and she LOVES the power of being an abuser. The tables are turned! She can hurt other people now, cause isn't life all about being hurt and angry ALL THE TIME?!

No thanks not for me!!! My Mum ALSO cut me off to enjoy how much pain and ruination she could deal into my life. If I was the first born child who ruined her life, shouldn't she get to ruin my life and prove that she will always have more, be more, get more than me? How dare I, a disgusting little baby come along and ruin her life.

In my head I have a comic narrative and I have written a story about being SO BAD as a baby, I ruined my mothers life. When I replay or read the story, I laugh to myself and think wow what a psycho person blames a baby for ruining their life. And it affirms my strength and growth vs my mothers hatred of me. She does indeed get around telling everyone how shit I am and a terrible person. I used to fight back, now I have disappeared. I have not 1 molecule of energy left to fight myself exhausted against a person who is doing it to enjoy my distress.

And I agree HER LOSS as the mother gets older, her memories of youth replay, the evil mothers will feel nothing but hatred and loathing, But if they had loved their daughters they would feel happiness and have a person in their life to support them. I tell people, I have saved a lot of money at Christmas, from being estranged, and I never have to worry if I have forgotten someones birthday.

"always look on the bright side of life!" Unless depressed/angry, in which case do SELF CARE.

Thankyou for sharing 🙂 🙂 and I hope your beautiful kids really value you and your lives are filled with good memories 🙂

In response to: Re: Forgiving or not being haunted by abusive parent

SugarshackSenior Contributor11 Sept 2025, 12:28 am AEST

Re: Forgiving or not being haunted by abusive parent

Hello @Rhymster i wrote to you on your post, but I agree that 'not caring' is when we win against the abusive parent. Not being numb, but 100% knowing what they did, and 'not caring' that they did it.

And then, NEVER, ever doing what they did, to other people. To come through abuse and neglect and still care about ourselves, and other people, and about humanity at large is to be a non-abusive person, I reckon. I know that I am still haunted but I know that my "I KNOW WHAT YOU DID AND I DONT CARE ABOUT YOU" gets stronger all the time as I grow into a happier more contented, more mature life.

Be well my friends 🙂

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