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BPD & my mental health has destroyed my life

BPD & my mental health has destroyed my life

I don't know what to write, or what support I need. But my mental health has destroyed my life. I'm struggling to even go into detail because I am just constantly crying and am in complete despair and panicked.

Without sounding rude, challenging or difficult. I find it very challenging when people say "sounds like you're going through a tough time, you reaching out for help is strong" that type of reflective and positive strengths based language or "feeling heard" (if that makes sense) just doesn't give me any relief. I also don't get any relief calling support lines. Being a mental health worker myself and having a very high insight into mental health, my brain just doesn't process things like that.

I don't have anyone to talk to or any family or friends to support me. I have had private inpatient admissions, with my last one ending in disaster. I'm allergic to all medications and treatment resistant.

I am drowning with my mental health. I have a complete disconnection to the world around me and in a constant disassociated state.

I don't even know if what I am saying makes sense I'm just bashing away at the keyboard struggling to even rationalise what I am saying.

I had a late-onset of BPD and my other mental health challenges when I was 33/34 - I am not 38... My whole life, in an instant just disappeared, changed and destroyed me.

One of my biggest pain points is my isolation and loneliness from the world. I am the older brother to 4 amazing siblings. When I had my massive mental health break 4 years ago I disconnected myself from them. They are my whole world, the only reason I exist but I am terrified of the time that I have lost with them. Terrified of rejection from them. Terrified of my "relationship" with them having changed. Terrified of losing them. Terrified that I have missed the times of watching my nieces and nephews grow up. I'm terrified of my future and the pain I go through every day is too much to deal with.

I have a counsellor but have limited availability to see them. I have reached out and tried different services but ultimately have been closed of or deemed to complex to fit within their service. My mental health, physical health and life is so complex I just can't find the consistent and ongoing support I need.

I don't know what else to write and the tears, fear and panic is now so intense.

I desperately need help and I don't know what to do. I am begging for my life back and getting the support I need.

6 replies

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In response to: BPD & my mental health has destroyed my life

Re: BPD & my mental health has destroyed my life

@Christofuuu is it possible your brothers hold you equally as valuable and are also terrified to lose thier big brother and all they know is if you are not doimg well all the information i read about borderline is give them space so if that could be whats causing you to feel that disconnection

im nobody im not qualified and im sorry if im out of place i have been close to bpd and just know they love you man

wish my posts looked that way after mashing the keyboard

In response to: BPD & my mental health has destroyed my life

Re: BPD & my mental health has destroyed my life

@Christofuuu i will skip the "supportive fluff" that you noted doesn't do anything for you. I dont think I've met you before? So hello!

I can understand and empathise about why things are feeling like a steaming pile of poop (to put it more politely). Being isolated and lonely makes it soo much harder. And fearing rejection can keep you isolated too. Makes sense.

Do your siblings know of your mental health challenges at all? (Even if just in the past, but not currently).

I dont think its ever too late to be able to engage positively in your nieces and nephews lives. Not sure how old they are, but sometimes those teenage years are the hardest ones ever and having some to talk to - especially someone experienced with mental health like yourself- and not be judgement can be so so so valuable.

What does a typical day for you look like currently?

Any plans over this weekend? (Home or out)

Lovely to see your lovely post supporting also @REDLINEZ750 . I think it was a very good point. And you are not "nobody" any more than I am. 🥰 we are both "just" peers who have experienced our share of mental health challenges too - be they different or similar. 😊

In response to: BPD & my mental health has destroyed my life

Re: BPD & my mental health has destroyed my life

Hey @Christofuuu

Life can really suck sometimes. It’s really not fair. It’s great that you have insight into your own mental health even if you don’t know what you can do to make it easier. It’s so tough being treatment resistant. To me it feels like I did something wrong even when I know that I haven’t. It’s also good that you are doing things to help yourself. I really hope you find the right combination that works for you. It takes way more time that is bearable.

It’s never to late to reach out to you siblings and their families. They are the people you have for life. The good thing is you can always make more memories with them now. It’s exceedingly hard to put yourself out there when you know you could be hurt. But I think the alternative of not is scarier. Would you be able to message or call them?

Have you tried DBT? It might provide the proper support you need right now and may help with the isolation.

In response to: Re: BPD & my mental health has destroyed my life

Re: BPD & my mental health has destroyed my life

Thank you for the replies everyone. I haven't forgotten a out my post and replying to the lovely care and advice.

Just a bit overwhelmed processing some things.

Will be back soon to continue the conversation.

Hope everyone is doing the best they can and pushing through the struggles.

In response to: Re: BPD & my mental health has destroyed my life

Re: BPD & my mental health has destroyed my life

Hi @Christofuuu

Wonderful to see you reaching out for support here 🌱. Thanks for letting the community know where things are at with you and that you've appreciated the care and support 🌟. Taking time to process things is important hey! We look forward to hearing more about how you're going 🌻

TunedIn 🎵

In response to: Re: BPD & my mental health has destroyed my life

Re: BPD & my mental health has destroyed my life

hi @Christofuuu

i dont have BPD but one thing i learnt is that some people are very prescriptive about what ppl need for BPD

I found DBT really interesting and helpful and seond that recommendation. I found MBT very fluffy and didn't really give me tools to help myself. I think a lot of the treatment was about building a trusting rapport, knowing sommeone wouldn't hurt me, and would own up if they did - and in taht way i guess it doesn't matter what the style of treatment is, just that the person cares. i hope you are okay in your journey, sending solidarity as someone who also lives with cptsd/personality disorder

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