Burnt out carer

Hey @Skyjuice ,

Firstly, welcome to the forums. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds incredibly tough to go through this.

I can certainly relate. Depression can really take away someone's quality of life. I lived with severe depression for many many years and the hope of getting better was next to none.

One thing I really have to stress it that idea of 'treatment resistant depression'. I feel it is one of the most damning statements as it takes away all hope of recovery. I've heard the phrase used so much over the years, and it breaks my heart that just because certain professionals have not found something that helps, then it's classified as 'treatment resistant'.

So one of the first things is to reframe that statement and to show him there IS hope. There is a chance of recovery and it IS possible.

Even in my own life, I never thought i'd be alive today. But by hearing other people's stories of recovery, it gave me to confidence to push on.

Please hold on.

Thank you.

This is very helpful and reinforces my frustrations at the psychiatrist who has made the psychiatrist. It has resulted in him giving up on any psychological support, and externalising both his condition and recovery even further.

Is he safe? Would you consider taking him to the emergency department so they can look at him current needs? @Skyjuice

Or do you have private health insurance so he can have an inpatient stay?

Some people may have TMS or ECT to help them get back on track @Skyjuice

Alternatively, do you or your husband want to connect to SANE's Guided Recvoery program? This is a free 1:1 program. https://www.sane.org/referral

Both you can your husband deserve all the support you can get. You are not alone.

@tyme thank you.

Yes he is safe.

We need help, as a family. My fear is that he will notice the impact on the kids and I and spiral into deeper depression and shame.

I realise he probably already notices but it’s one thing to keep it within the family unit and another thing to admit a loud elsewhere.

My poor teenager is playing up and wanting so much to connect with him and it just ended with yelling.

We all see our own individual therapists and as good as they are individual therapy tends to support the individual perspectives as not the family unit or our relationships which can sometimes be a source of tension too. Not sure if that makes sense.

I totally hear you @Skyjuice . It's a lot and I can see how much you want to keep the family together. I wonder if a real deep heart to heart conversation would be helpful? At a time when both you and him are relaxed. e.g. when going for a drive so you're not necessary face to face? It might make the discussion a bit easier?

I guess difficult conversations are not meant to me easy. But perhaps working with your therapist o role play some conversations or sentence starters may be helpful? eg your therapist takes the role of you opening up, and you play the role of your husband (because you know how he will react)? I often find these role plays really helpful.

@Skyjuice As someone who has seen my wife go through what you are going through with me, for years on end, i do realise a little how hard this is for you. i so agree that depression can be overcome even if depression as an illness continues as it is with me.

The first thing is to make sure you are looked after, and receive all the love and support you need going through this. For as i know in the end only with good in us can we hope to overcome a depressive mind without any goodness left. My wife loved me through even 7 years of being down in my pit, and helplessly watched me decline into a suicidal depression that last for almost 2 years.

If your loved ones is depressed because of past failures, then there is some reason for hope for better. And what your loved on will need most is someone to caringly and sympathetically helps him through his lowest times and help him away from holding onto his failures and making a new life apart of the past.

For me the breaking point of 7 years of depression was E.C.T. Getting this treatment, though it sounded scary as at first, was the first light of day i saw for years after i finished the sessions of that. Each session lifting me a little higher. The best part for me turned out to be the loss of memory, because of the aesthetics i had before ECT. Although i hated loosing my memory at first, it broke me free from the negativity that had been constantly pulling me down, for i forgot about all that for more than 2 years. My memory has been completely restored now but it did take awhile.

All the best doing a very difficult job.

Hi @Skyjuice , I am so sorry to hear of your predicament, I know how hard it is, I am in the same situation, not husband, but relative who has been suicidal for years and years. Both parents actually. One passed in 2015. Hopefully resting in peace now, still miss like crazy, still cry. Other parent is still with me, it hurts so much that I don't know how to help, just be there, I suppose. Love them no matter what. I wish there was some way or something to say that could help you. Just know you have found love and support here in this wonderful site with these wonderful people and an extra ear (me) if you need it. Hoping you have a peaceful day.

Hey @DownMoreThanUp @Skyjuice @Lost52 ,

It's been so wonderful reading your posts and responses. Finding support and connection can be so helpful, esp when things are tough.

Please take time to look after yourselves.

@Skyjuice , How is your dear one going? How are you going?