Apprehension about diagnosis and unknown

Hi @Sabby ,

Sounds like you have a lot going on to cope with, including some difficult past experiences that may be impacting how you feel or think about things.

When you say you "cant help wonder if its more", what do you mean by that? What else are you wondering it could be?

(Eg cPTSD? )

CPTSD has come to mind, maybe BPD.

During my DV relationship I was often called a narcissist... so that sticks in my head. I really don't know... sometimes Autism with masking behaviour sounds like me too.

I've always felt different and ashamed of being me... ever since I was a kid.

Have you seen any mental health workers previously who have given any indications?

With a history of childhood abuse and DV i imagine cPTSD could be likely - and/or have influence on your depression, anxiety, and self-concept/standards. (Im no expert, just a peer).

Autism masking is always a question in my mind too for myself. However I do see a distinct difference between how peers may perceive as Autistic-like traits and a person who meets the DSM-5 criteria (https://www.autismspeaks.org/autism-diagnostic-criteria-dsm-5). I have plenty of autistic-like traits, but would not traditionally be diagnosed as ASD from the DsM-5.

But i will still look at ASD coping techniques for aspects that I relate to, to see if they help. 🙂 I dont need a diagnosis for that.

I've always felt very "other" to my age-peers, but that could have also been due to my mental illness and life experiences altering my world perspective and lack of carefreeness/happiness.

As a general thing, I wouldn't put much stock in an abusive partner's claims of narcissism. And from my understanding, if you were a true narcissist you would not even be able to accept the idea that you could be wrong or have a problem. 😉 the way you've laid things out does not strike me as a narcissist at all 😊

FYI tip - if you use the "@" symbol you can tag people's user names and they'll get notified of your post. 🙂 otherwise it can be easy to miss that someone has replied to a post/thread (esp if you're like me and post in a lot of places lol)

Do you have an appointment booked in with a psychologist/psychiatrist/etc for an assessment?

@AlwaysMyself

Thanks for the tagging tip!

Yes, I have an appointment booked for October for a adhd exploration... I assume the psychiatrist will talk about other possibilities.

I completely understand what you mean about ASD, I think it's traits that I experience and they're common across other neurotypes. Being an introvert means I can isolate and be at home a lot except often it leaves me feeling like its a failing.

I know logically I beat myself up and overthink things too much but unfortunately logic doesn't equal a quiet mind.

Thanks for your kind words!

Hi @Sabby

ADHD assessments are often completely focused on ADHD and miss other things

If you are short on funds, lots of the universities have clinics staffed by provisional psychologists who do cheap assessments

Oh, I just remembered something else i was meaning to mention in passing @Sabby . I dont know much about it, only a little I read after seeing a research study survey on the topic.

You mentioned when you have a new friend its really intense?

I dont know if this will resonate with you, but it did abit with me so im sharing in case.

The study was looking at whether there could be a connection between childhood trauma and "limerance". Which lead me to Google what Limerance was - its basically an obsessive infatuation for the person to also reciprocate. Interestingly some people do talk about it also as a platonic type of limerance also, not just romantic. I dont really relate to the romantic limerance, but ever so often to a platonic limerance - but im yet to pin down what the common thread is between why I get that with some (very few) friends and not others!

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/limerence

@AlwaysMyself

Interesting. I assumed it was because it was reciprocated and perhaps filling a need that wasn't fulfilled from my family or relationship. It is definitely more intense when it's reciprocated but other times revolves around admiration.

Ah, right. That sounds a bit different then @Sabby .

Have you ever heard/read about Attachemnt Styles? (Its one of those things I was experientially and anecdotally aware of but didnt know the name of until I heard it mentioned an looked up what it was lol). I found that quite interesting too in regard to how we relate and form bonds (or push away) people. https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/four-attachment-styles/

Of course these are all theories! No one can say for sure what it for you, but I often find by reading ideas sometimes certain things resonate more than others. So feel free to discard or ignore anything that does feel right or fit for you. 🙂 im just throwing them out there in case.

@AlwaysMyself

Yes, I have heard of attachment styles... I could never quite figure out which one was mine... then I heard that you can move between them... not sure... I guess I can be sure I'm not securely attached though.

I have only discovered at 43 that I had adhd and it has been a whole new world for me. The biggest thing is that it all made much more sense and I have been doing well on medication. Its hard to take the steps to get the support and diagnosis you need but its well worth it.