Feel like a burden to my friends.

Hi @LostInDarkness , I get that. And im actually glad your friends have seen through your masked replies - to me that sounds like they genuinely care for you and are concerned for your sake.

It can be hard to tell friends, and to know how much and what to tell them. And yeah it can be really scary not knowing how they will react. I dont know if its any encouragement for you, but in my lived experience ive been fortunate enough that none of my friends have reacted badly or negatively when/if they have known i have depression. If anything, it helped them know they could come to me and talk about their challenges in life and moods also. It usually brought us closer together. I have had a very small number of people use it against me when theyve been emotionally angry or had an agenda, but that's only 3 people (not all of them friends!) in my whole life so far!

If you want tips from my experience on how to first broach it, my best advice i can think of right now is "start small and see how they respond".

For example, maybe say "yeah, I've had a bit of a challenging time lately" and see how they respond. If they show care and ask more* then maybe open a little more, e.g. "ive been feeling down (or alone, or anxious, or whatever it is)" and see what response you get.

*re: people "asking more" I recently learnt that some people are interested to know more and want to be supporting and care, but dont know how or what to ask. I thought a friend of mine was deliberately not asking what was wrong when I asked if they were available to chat one night - they were happy to be a distraction and we chatted for while. But she never asked what was up or why I needed a distraction. I assumed it was deliberate and that she didn't want to know/talk about it. A few weeks later when we were having coffee something came up about her not being good at asking people questions even if she is interested to know more and cares. So now we have established that I can ask her "would you like to know more or not?" And she can tell me if she does or not (because we also know and respect each other that we wont always want to know or talk about the same things and that's ok! Or maybe even just not be up for it at that time/day).

How do you feel about the idea of telling friends if you KNEW they would be supportive? Does that idea make you feel warm/supported, or something else?

Hello @AlwaysMyself,

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply to my message I posted. I cannot begin to tell you how greatful I am to have a reply. And an extremely detailed reply that's has definitely made me feel a lot less stressed/worried.

By sharing your own personal experience and insight into your own previous situation similar to the one I am currently experiencing. Knowing how you proceeded to approach the subject with your friends and how they reacted. It has definitely given me confidence to ask friends if they have time to catch up and to have a conversation. It is well overdue and knowing it will be difficult at times to tell them what I would like to without crying. As with anything in life the longer you put off approaching the issue the more pressure/worse you will feel.

Knowing I will feel more comfortable in a one on one situation with a friend. As I am prepared to test the waters first, before I really put my trust in a.friend and tell.them everything. Just hope the friendship is as strong as I see it to be. Cos it takes a lot for.me to.open up and i am willing to.risk my friendship.

Thank you again for your input/reply

Signed LostInDarkness

You are most welcome @LostInDarkness . You have a lot of wisdom in your reply around thing being harder the more theyre delayed. I'd love to know how you go, and here to debrief if you want/need.

If it would help to role-play variations of the conversation (to help you think what you may say or do in response), let me know and im happy to. It would just be a little slow via messages here but if it helps that's ok.

Hello @AlwaysMyself,

Thank you for reading and replying to my post, appreciated. As the saying goes in situations a person's mask will always be removed and you will truely know the real person. I can honestly say I have never been one to ask for help or to ask friends time to sit and talk in a time of need.

Although I am always quick to offer to help friends or anyone in a situation in need. After all this time I have now learnt the person I have called a friend, have told so much and put so must trust into. Their mask has now been removed and I no longer see them as the friend I once did.

Having reached out to ask for their time to talk/listen to me. Never expecting it to be an issue I am now totally and utterly disappointed and upset. Definitely wont be reaching out to them again, will never put my trust in them again and no longer call them a friend.

I never thought asking a friend to spend time with me to talk/listen in my one time of need was going to be too much to ask of a so called friend.

LostInDarkness

Im so sorry to hear that @LostInDarkness , that sounds very painful.

What happened? Were they unwilling to talk at all, or just unavailable at the immediate time?

It is very hard when people take and do not also give back in a relationship. 😞

I have often also been the friend who offers support and offers to be open to talk to, but find it harder to ask for help/time myself.

However I think for me its less that I have difficulty asking, but rather that I want them to offer openess to reciprocate first, and then I can feel that I can ask when I need to without being a burden or obligation. I guess that's why I also ensure to openly tell my friends im open to talk to them if they wish, but also respect if they dont wish to. 🤔 I have a real hangup about being a burden or tax to others, even though I never see it that way when they ask me for help!

Dearest @AlwaysMyself

@LostInDarkness @avant-garde @MissGremlin