Connect with people who understand what you are going through, seek advice and surround yourself with support. We're free, anonymous, and professionally moderated 24/7.

47,612Members
1,358,869Posts
1,400,000Visitors

I just need to vent and get this all out there.

LostOne71Contributor31 July 2025, 5:55 am AEST

I just need to vent and get this all out there.

I'm back, its been awhile and its the same old story, this is my only safe venting space, especially since he doesn't know about it.

Sorry, In all honesty, I have nowhere else to say all this and I just need to get it out.

AAARRRGGHHHH
I hate being trapped in this relationship, its been nearly 20 frigging years. I need to vent as I honestly have nowhere else safe to just say it all.

I need to get out, but surviving independently is not easy... getting out is pretty much impossible due to lack of finances, stuff, physical capacity and finding a rental thats wheelchair friendly, public transport friendly etc... just isn't there.

I am disabled and can't live or get out of the house independently, totally socially isolated, no family, zero friends, zero outlets for the stuff I used to find fun as he was always so arrogant and rude to the people there, we just needed to stop attending as it just made me miserable and humiliated.

Today I toured a gym to try and see if they could support me with gaining some physical strength and maintaining the mobility I have... All I wanted was to feel healthier... but I would need his physical support to do it. The gym agreed he could attend for free to assist me, they were so kind, understanding and supportive.
He was all onboard on the way over, now he's picking it all to pieces and saying its not going to happen as he didn't like the staff and a few other BS reasons.
Then tonight I spoke to him about a comment made on FB by someone, just trying to connect and have a conversation with him, he replied he doesn't use FB anymore as the people on it aren't on the same intellectual level as him, he's better than that, so he uses Redddit, Discord and Mastodon etc... for the connection with people on his level... I don't use those platforms, so what does that make me????? Am I stupid???? I asked... no answer... I am sitting here crying inside... I know I am not as "smart" as him, he doesn't need to shove it down my throat.
He spends all his time on gaming forums/gaming, always has headphones in so he cant hear me if I speak and disturb him. He is reading articles on scentific/literature stuff and I am more than fine with that, but do I need to be so belittled??? He wont discuss the stuff he does online which is 90% of his time, I ask, but subject changes are the thing and I get left here feeling stupid. When I asked for help or input on a topic when I was studying I was shut down or made feel dumb.
He's said in the past that if I wasn't with him he would be financially stuffed as he gets carers payments for me and he'd have to go on benefits as he doesn't like working and cant work because he now has convinced himself he has ASD and C-PTSD which disqualifies him from being able to work... and as he likes to be online with his "friends" and reading etc... and doesn't have the time for anything else.
When he did work (years ago) he made it clear it interfered with his gaming passion and resented working and looked down on the people he worked with and felt the same about the people I worked with, so we quit and we moved away so he could be online and game more... All he did was complain about where we lived and how unhappy he was, that his office space wasn't big enough and it was hot...
I tried to get us out and travelling, hoping the change of lifestyle would help. So bought a 4WD and Caravan, a decent laptop and extra screen, unlimited Starlink Internet and toured the country... We could go anywhere, do anything we wanted... he made it miserable, complained the whole time, neglected the van till it fell apart, when he got frustrated because he hit his head (tall man + short van = occasional head bump) or didn't have what he wanted he would punch the walls... That has settled now we are out of the van, but still when he gets frustrated he just seethes and I am forever walking on eggshells.
We went to a 2 day gaming event at a local club, as I can still drive and he doesn't he had me take him over every day because public transport was annoying, if I say no he makes me feel so guilty.
I had to wait the 10-12hrs there each day for him as I can't wrangle my wheelchair in and out of the car alone, so I sat in the cafe of the club and drank tea, the 2nd day I got really unwell halfway through the day, honestly vomiting etc... I was in a bad way, so he offered to take me out to the car to lay down and I could vomit into garbage bags while he went back in to game with his friends.
He goes to other shorter time frame gaming things and leaves me sitting in a cafe for hours regularly too.
I have asked him to teach me about the gaming side of his world, introduce me to the world he lives in so I could be included, even just a little, he just wont and if I take it upon myself to learn and join in hes not going to be happy...

We now live in a place where he is so happy (in theory), apparently the people here are "different" and more "intellectual" than elsewhere in the country, he loves the climate here, freezing and yuck in winter, he likes the cold, I hate it, it increases my pain, we are hours inland from the coast and I crave the ocean, it's my therapy and he's too busy to go for drives.
When I used to stand up for myself I was told I was aggressive and it must be my BPD or Thyroid acting up. Now I just stay silent.
I have literally died inside, theres nothing of the old me left... I am just a shell with no strength left to fight.
Maybe it is my BPD, maybe its my thyroid, maybe I am just too old and useless now.

Thank you for reading my little pity party, I needed to get it out...
Peace, love and light to you all!

5 replies

1 - 5 of 5

In response to: I just need to vent and get this all out there.

holdinghope5Senior Contributor31 July 2025, 6:41 am AEST

Re: I just need to vent and get this all out there.

Hi @LostOne71,

I'm so sorry to hear how awfully he has treated you all this time. It sounds like he's using your disability to his advantage, and putting you down to make himself seem 'better'.

It sounds like this could be financial and emotional abuse, trying to put down your self-worth and take away your 'independence' to have better control over you?

I can only imagine how hard it must be to endure this, and I'm so glad you've been able to speak up here. It takes a lot of courage to share your story. You deserve to be heard and supported.

I would strongly encourage you to reach out to 1800RESPECT, they might be able to provide further support around staying safe (i.e. creating a safety plan) and getting out of your situation. There's also additional support pathways here that you can look into: The steps you can take to seek help.

Please also let us know if you're able to stay safe at the moment?

If you ever feel unsafe, please don't hesitate to call 000. You deserve to feel safe and loved.

In response to: Re: I just need to vent and get this all out there.

LostOne71Contributor31 July 2025, 7:06 am AEST

Re: I just need to vent and get this all out there.

Thank you @holdinghope5

I'm physically safe, he's never physically hurt me, but yes, the emotional stuff is soul destroying.

I honestly had myself convinced it was all normal and it was just me until I started to write this all down.

I'm sitting here in the dark with the TV/lights etc off as he's just gone back to bed after being up half the night online.

When he's online or sleeping odd hours as he does because the bulk of his online gaming stuff is with people in different time zones around the world I need to have the TV etc... off and the place quiet as he doesn't want to be disturbed or have me show up in the background or have background noise come through when he's on camera/in a game. So I just need to sit in place and keep quiet/still.

We are now in a 1br open plan apartment so I never have any time when I am physically alone in the unit and I can't get myself out the door alone as he needs to assist with the wheelchair etc... therefore I am eternally within earshot or he can walk up behind me and see my screen, so I am using an abundance of caution when trying to plan a way out, I do fear what he may do when I try to leave, I think that might just be the thing that tips him over the edge.

It makes it a bit extra challenging.

I'm thinking when he has me sitting waiting for him, I might be able to find a quiet corner of the venue and call the 1800respect line, not ideal, but worth a try, so thank you for the link, I am grateful.

In response to: Re: I just need to vent and get this all out there.

holdinghope5Senior Contributor31 July 2025, 7:27 am AEST

Re: I just need to vent and get this all out there.

Thank you for confirming your safety @LostOne71. It's so easy to convince ourselves things are "normal" when we’re in the middle of it, but writing it all down can bring a whole new perspective. It’s great that you’re giving yourself the space to process it all. That’s a big step.

I can also see how difficult it is for you to get support when he's near you most of the time. 1800RESPECT also has text-based chat options. I hope that the online chat/text might be less risky to use than a phone call? There's also a 'quick exit' button (or you can use the 'esc' key if you're using a laptop) on the page where it'll turn the site into a weather page if you feel he's about to see your screen.

Do you have other people (i.e. friends, family, GP, etc) that you can talk to about this?

In response to: Re: I just need to vent and get this all out there.

LostOne71Contributor31 July 2025, 7:57 am AEST

Re: I just need to vent and get this all out there.

Thank you for the advice and support.

I think the text chat with 1800respect might be a good plan @holdinghope5 I just need a day or 2 to gather myself, its challenging to digest it all. I mean I think I always knew it was bad, but now its "spoken" it kinda jumps up and knocks you about a bit mentally. I think a good quiet, cleansing cry is in order, then pull myself together.

Sadly the friends I had, have long disappeared into the ether... Some have passed, others just faded away. I don't think it happened with any deliberate plan on his part, but he made it happen, little by little. I was exhausted by him complaining about them and by making excuses for his rude behaviour when we were with them. Its been a good 10-15 (closer to 15) years since there was anyone I could reach out to.

There are the odd vague people I comment on FB with in passing, but they're not "friends" or people I could reach out to. I find myself more and more talking to people I don't know on FB, nothing personal, just things like sharing recipes or where to find online shops for clothing/disability stuff etc...

I have no family, I was an only child of a single mother who had me in her 40's, I never knew my father, any family I had have passed long ago (I am in my mid 50's now).

He is with me whenever we leave the house, if I get to the GP he's there and comes in with me to "help", once again I don't really think its a planned thing on his behalf, I think it is literally just who he is.
If I asked him to wait outside the repercussions after with his snarky behaviour are just too much... writing that line i just realised how much I adjust my life/comments to ensure I don't trigger his behaviours. Damn! Thats a kick in the butt...

In response to: Re: I just need to vent and get this all out there.

holdinghope5Senior Contributor01 Aug 2025, 6:45 am AEST

Re: I just need to vent and get this all out there.

It is a lot to take in and process @LostOne71, please do take your time. A cleansing cry sounds like a good release too, I hope it helps you feel a bit better.

Are there any friends that you feel like you could reconnect with or start reaching out to more?

I can see how having him at your GP appointments makes it hard for you to open up as well. Would making an excuse (for example, 'accidentally' leaving your phone in the waiting room and asking him to get it so you can quickly chat to GP about your situation) be possible?

I'm sorry to hear how much you've adjusted for him; you deserve to live your life without compromising yourself. May I also ask, what's your relationship to your carer?

1 - 5 of 5