Queer Marriage Breakdown

I'm 38F, and I was married to a 29F. I identify as monogamous, while my wife identified as polyamorous, although for much of our relationship it didn’t play out in practice. Over our four years together, we had some struggles, but the people she connected with typically fell within what I considered “open relationship” territory.

During COVID, I started a business and she ended up stuck in Canada for five months. While there, she started a new relationship and, in many ways, neglected ours. It left some deep wounds that we never properly addressed. When she returned to Australia, I didn’t know how to slow down the pace I had set in my business — I was afraid of losing clients. That work pattern continued for two more years until I hit a wall. I was burnt out, overwhelmed, and began to contemplate self-harm.

Around the same time, she returned to Canada and met someone new. Their messaging was constant — even during a holiday we took together in Europe shortly after. When I returned home, she stayed overseas longer and had more sexual relationships, including with someone she met in Spain toward the end of the trip. That person has since come to Australia — earlier than planned — and they’ve already spent a week together.

Back in Australia, things were strained. I felt invisible during our trip — her parents joined for most of it, speaking a language I don’t understand, while her Canadian connection continued to message her constantly. I was emotionally exhausted and mentally spiraling. When she wanted to go on a road trip together, I kept saying I couldn’t — that it was all too much. I was hanging on by a thread. A week later, she told me our relationship was over.

I haven’t been able to let go. I keep holding on to the idea of saving our marriage. Sometimes things feel stable, then something triggers me and I lash out. She had still been living with me, but during her week away with the new person from Spain, I packed her things and told her she had to leave. I had said earlier that she could stay, and she was looking for rentals.

We’d previously agreed to keep presenting as a couple for the sake of her permanent residency application, since she was on a partnership visa. But in a moment of anger, I threatened to contact immigration to have her visa reviewed or cancelled. She’s told me this is abuse and psychological violence.

And I know she’s right. I know these things aren't okay. I know that when you love someone, you don’t treat them this way. But I also don’t know how to stop holding on, or how to fully let her go.

I feel like there are so many issues all crashing down at once — the breakup, the betrayal, the visa stress, the loneliness, the business pressure — and it's overwhelming. I feel like I’m barely coping.

I guess I’m just looking for a space to be honest, to take responsibility, and maybe to hear from anyone who’s been through something similar.