Getting LOST from my Self every time the Outside World is too demanding

welcome to the forums @Sugarshack

sounds like you've gone through a lot, and i can hear how much pain your mum had, and still is, causing you. i'm so sorry you've had to experience this - please know your feelings are valid. i was brought up in a household where similar phrases like "always listen to your parents, they know what's right" was strictly enforced. even as an adult, i've been told that and it's been really difficult to shake off. the truth is, parents don't always know everything - they're human too, they make mistakes and they're imperfect, and unfortunately some end up hurting us more than helping us. i'm sorry that she hurt you, and i can see you've been trying so hard to find yourself and navigate the world. i hope connecting here helps 💙

i see that music and guitar used to bring you joy - what about it did you love? are you open to exploring other new/different hobbies/activities in the meantime?
i absolutely hear how hard and exhausting it can be not being able to drive to the music group and having to constantly walk around. i wonder, is there an online music group option or something similar?

i hear how you view street busking, and i assure you - doing it won't seal your fate. it doesn't mean you won't get another job!! if it's something that's more comfy for you than working around others, perhaps it is worth a go?

we're all different - and if chit chatting to people you can't relate to isn't for you - that's totally okay too. it doesn't mean you're at fault, but rather, you may need a different work environment? you're allowed to unapologetically be you 💙

i also wanted to check-in with you, are you able to stay safe for now? let us know how we can support you 💙

(p.s. i've edited your post to add in some content/trigger warnings so that the community stays safe. you check out our Guidelines and technical support - SANE Forums. if you any questions about it, feel free to reach out!)

Welcome to the forum @Sugarshack

I can relate to issues around musicianship and private selves and public persona. Performance can be a diligent practice and at times feel like a show or a mask. My family was full of musos, but also mental health issues and homelessness. Yes busking has been an option, but I am lucky I don’t have to do it at the moment. Music in groups can be fulfilling.

Seems like you are in a transitional stage. Good luck with all the adulting and sorting out the “hardware “ issues in life, so you can do more of what you love. Tag me if you want to talk. I may not respond immediately but will get back to you.

Look around the forums and join in to discussions when you feel moved. I hope you meet like minded folks.

Thankyou for the editing.

I get this type of "switching" going on. Under my mother's rules i am not allowed to do music or have friends. For many years this was an extreme repression, amnesia and performance anxiety.

I noticed a pattern I owned a guitar for 25 years and just moved it around with me never played it but I really loved it and i would sit and hold it. Fast forward through some trauma processing I remembered at one point I had played the guitar in year 2 and really loved it.

Then I started paying for music lessons as an adult and I LOVED the guitar so much even went through a phase I was getting two lessons a week spending all my money on the lessons.

It is something about social acceptance if I see other people with guitars or if I am in a band I am "allowed" to play guitar in my mind and I will do it a lot.

But somehow at certain chapters of life "If i identify as a bad person i cant do music and if i have external factors that remind me i am a musician i can do music"

As a kid I was a highly talented and prolific musician but my mother beat me constantly for playing music so it is associated with pain and rejection.

Once upon a life I could FEEL emotions from "my life" but for about 10 years "my life" has been so cursed with unpredictablilty, unreliability, cost of living and rental crisis, I rarely feel anything at all, every day is monotonous of no connection to emotions.

BUT somehow the presence of other people will make me connect to emotions and to myself. When I am acknowledged by my friends I feel powerful.

Yet if I do not exist without my friends what am I and how come my SELF has become stuffed further inside my body when it should be flying loud and proud outside because I have not only fixed up a lot of trauma I have gained a lot of skill.

OLD LIFE: Hates my mother as a nemesis, plays music as defiance, hoped to join a band and play gigs.

MIDDLE LIFE: Did not care about my mother, Joined some bands, played some gigs, had a cracker time. Car died, Can't afford car. Car was very good for carrying instruments to jams. Music cost me $5000-10,000/year to keep the car going.
NEW LIFE: Hates my mother as a powerful demon who broke my entire life, does not play music just sits around sadly with no motivation to do anything, no hope for the future.

IF my mum hated my music SO I played it to keep her nice and angry

IF I decided it's part of the family sickness to hate and irritate each other

WITHOUT being fuelled by hate where is my motivation?
BECAUSE somehow in escaping from the "good mother bad child" dyad I have become "bad mother no child" persona where my ADULT self as a fairly out there person has gone back inside a middle aged veneer, and my brain knows I should think this "I no longer get abused by the mother and i am a bit competent at music so I should love the chase of it but how come since I shut down abuse I am not motivated any more"

and

"when i am outside of my house i can really feel a lot of songs moving around in me and once upon a time i would write those down but now if I think of music it disappears under the memory"

Does anyone register this:

"Thinks of music or other activity that brings a lot of happiness"
"Remembers that it broke and the other people are gone and a lot of grief for bandmates whom are gone"
"Forgets to do music/purposefully does not do music"
"Sits on phone for 8 hours arguing on social media comments"

WTF this loser person is the opposite of me. ME is a person who is used to 90% isolation and eccentric character and having friends and community but since the outside world of friends, community, the car etc went away, I just sit in my room passing every day by.

***That said I got a role in a musical ensemble and when I am there I feel beyond happy. When I get home it's like that world doesn't exist and I am my usual sad self but, my old self would have been walking around VERY excited about the role, motivated and seeking more opportunities. (Defensive mode if I tell the people around me they will be jealous of me and theres no point to feel happy as it willl all evaporate soon anyway and you're a fake artist with zero degrees and qualifications, only 25 years of existence in the arts world but gets thrown on the scrapheap and has been replaced by young graduates who dont even know their craft"

It is a horrible existence, inside me is ME but I am still trapped under devoid emotions and, in society all the other devoid people have died, left town or got medicated.

hi @Sugarshack it's nice hearing back from you.

not being allowed to do music or have friends must've been extremely tough, i'm so sorry you had to grow up being restricted in that way. music is supposed to bring joy, and i hate that you were punished by your mother for it. i can see that your relationship with music grew stronger as an adult, but also holds quite a complex meaning. sounds like you're working really hard to understand how your thoughts are wired, and find a way to re-wire it from pain/rejection to something more positive/neutral. you mentioned that sometimes it's motivated by defiance and anger rather than joy... that makes a lot of sense and i think that's valid. even when it came from a place of releasing anger, music seems to have provided you some freedom of expression?

wow great to hear you've got a role in a musical ensemble! i'm glad it brings you a lot of joy. i also see that there's a lot of pain once you're away from the music/musicians. i know you mentioned you've done therapy before, but i am wondering if you'd be open to talk to a professional again? is music therapy something you've tried before?

I have run out of money at present but it is a good idea to look at participating in music therapy, in the long view.

Hi @Sugarshack @Aqua88 @I’m a newby. Reading what you wrote was a lot like my life. So I hear you. I understand & I am so sorry that this happened to another little girl.

My father said to my mother. Do not show them any emotion. So that was what happened. Flogging after flogging until I got it right. 2 boys were fine, but not the youngest the girl. She coped it all just thru being born a girl. I always said I was born into the wrong family. I’m sure I was I have suffered all my life because of them. I was abused, ridiculed, made eat my cold veges till midnight. Made stand out behind the shed in the dark amongst the long grass & beer bottles with no tea. Had to go to school with my fringe cut right down to my head. Raped I was punished. It just goes on n on. I have no friends either. I can’t make them I’m too mixed up. Don’t like people they give me anxiety as I have no social skills as I was not allowed to talk or have friends. I’m sorry your reading just bought all this up for me. I just hope that you can understand that you are not alone that we have been tarnished by these parents that did not deserve children. If you ever want to chat I’m not far away. I have never seen a place like this before the forums. I have never know anyone that has been through anything like me before. That is like in my first write when I asked what does mental health feel like & anxiety etc. As I knew nothing till I come to sane

I hope you did not feel that I am bombarding you as that was not my intention. You take care. Look after you. We were in the wrong place. You sound like a good person that needs a break. It’s just a shame that I am not in the position to give you one or I would. Thanks for reading. Please let me no if this is inappropriate then I will never do it again 🩷💐🌹🤗

Thank you for sharing your experiences @cdtofi . It's great see how your lived experience can help us feel less alone in what we are going through.

Thank you. Looking forward to see more of your posts.