azalea59Casual Contributor
halfway down
To keep it as short as possible, im posting because im down to my absolute last resorts. not even lifeline can offer anything meaningful.
i lost my father 3 months ago, it was sudden and tragic, even though we knew it was coming. the next day my work decided to corner me into a mental breakdown, using my dads passing as leverage to do so.
a couple of weeks following this, I attended my dad's funeral. My mum couldn't be fucked showing up for me, so i had to be strong for everyone else that day. she then had the gumption to ask if she was going to be entitled to any of his money (there's nothing and they were divorced) ON THE SAME DAY. I had to cut her off. My grandparents from her side then decided to list off all of my dad's short comings (all petty and ridiculous) so i had to cut contact with them also, so i have no blood support.
a couple weeks before dad passed, my partner of 7 years dumped me.
after all this, id been attempting to recover to get back to work, so i reach out and I'm met with silence, these mfs really just attempted to unfairly dismiss/silent fire me. So i went on a wild goose chase with HR trying to get either some closure or justice. They were forced to put me back on the roster, but only one day a week so I'm still fucked
I've spent the last week dealing with that and so i forgot one of my psych appointments and forgot to respond, I'm autistic for crying out loud and barely functioning at this stage. they closed my case file, eagerly abandoned me, and now i have to go back to the gp and get another plan. except i don't have a regular or trustable gp, nor do i have any capacity left to chase it.
Despite all of this I've been making an effort to keep myself sane, investing in my special interests, working out, eating well, keeping a decent routine, practicing gratitude where I can (although it just gets patronizing) Yet still, I'm still miserable and worthless
where are my friends in all this you may ask? great question. i wouldn't have a clue. it doesn't matter that I'm at the absolute lowest point in my life, I've still showed up for them in their minor issues, yet nobody can be fucked making any time for me. I don't expect them to be a crisis supporter, I just want to go to the aquarium or something wholesome and silly but I'm not even worth that.
Ive reached out to lifeline, beyond blue, I even managed to almost break chat gpt, its evident that my situation and circumstances are too complex to get any meaningful support.
No, going to the hospital in an emergency isnt an option either, I once stupidly took the courage as an adult to seek out some more serious help, after being forced to sit in emergency for 8 hours, I was turned away and sent home, because i could just barely advocate for myself, to them I wasn't sick enough to need help.
This brings me to now. Every day, every setback, every inconvenience makes me feel more and more justified in my suicidal ideation.
I'm no stranger to what life looks like this close to rock bottom, I've been here before. I can just hear my inner child telling me " I told you so"
It doesn't matter what positive things I do, or the optimism I try to have, Its just one kick in the guts after another. It's like the universe isn't actually testing me, its punishing me, except I don't know what I did so wrong. It's like I was meant to be a lowlife on the streets, or just dead. That's all these things add up to.
So my question to the reader is, what do I do? I'm out of options and out of hope and energy. I have no money, no friends, no family, NOTHING.
