lonemushroomSenior Contributor
can’t stop crying, can’t function, feel hopeless
I’ve been struggling to find ways to talk about what I’ve been through this year without going into too much detail and being potentially triggering. I’m hoping I’ll find a way at some point but for now I figure talking about how the aftermath of everything is impacting me currently is probably the next best thing, however even then I don’t know where to begin to find any words really.
basically the super short and vague version is that alongside quite a few other diagnoses I’ve had complex PTSD since my early teens, stemming from really too many different traumatic experiences to count but growing up and being trapped in an extremely abusive household being the biggest catalyst of all. this year I’ve had more extreme trauma to add to the list in the form of pretty much my worst fears becoming reality.
I feel completely broken. I haven’t had a proper nights sleep in months, I cannot get through a single day without crying, I’m caught between feeling so angry that I’m in this dark place again after spending so long trying to avoid exactly that and feeling stupid for expecting any different because genuinely literally every single time I get even slightly close to recovering from something or achieving success, it’s been completely sabotaged in the worst ways possible whether that’s by abusers or just sheer bad luck in life. most of the time I’m just dissociating really heavily all day lately.
at least in the past I had crumbs of a social life that I could distract myself with. but there’s no one in my life now. everyone has left. every single person I thought I could fully trust and not include in my trust issues has left and affirmed my intense fear of abandonment, even and especially the ones who always reassured and promised me that they wouldn’t, in fact some of them hurt and betrayed me deliberately at my most vulnerable. I’m either trying to find anything and everything I can to avoid feeling anything or not being able to do a single thing because I feel absolutely everything.
I’m so hurt. I’m exhausted. I don’t wanna be told I’m so “resilient” for how much someone thinks I can handle anymore, as if trauma is some goal that I asked for and had control over enduring. I feel like I’m always gonna be just an outsider surviving rather than living and I don’t have a clue what to do with my life anymore. I feel too physically sick to get better mentally and too mentally sick to get better physically.
