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Shoulder to Shoulder: Veteran Families

Am I The Only Spouse Feeling This Way?

CJ130Casual Contributor

Am I The Only Spouse Feeling This Way?

I was in the ADF for 12 years and my hubby 23 years. He was medically discharged in 2011 with PTSD and chronic depression. Back then there really was no support for families so I dealt with the aftermath by myself whilst caring for our two young children. I have dealt with the change in his personality and emotional shutting off and isolating himself from everyone. He is better than what he was but it certainly changed our family dynamic. I am grateful he has never physically or emotionally abused us in anyway but it has been hard on our family. 14 years later and I find it hard that he never wants to go out, we can’t do anything on the spare of the moment. He won’t travel more than 30 minutes from home, won’t go out at night. Yes, he sought treatment with psychiatrist and psychologist but they really did nothing to help, let alone want to speak to me. I have sought advice from psychologists but because they do not have a defence background they truly don’t understand the dynamics of a defence family,

I think I just need confirmation that other wives have dealt with this. Am I the only one that feels isolated within my marriage? He allows me to go out with my friends go on holidays with them but not him. I can’t really invite them into the home to have a meal with him. I have made so many allowances and at times it is just hard and no one really understands my situation. I am not asking for any pity, I deal with the cards I have been dealt with optimistic attitude but just need to know I am not the only one, Any thoughts?

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In response to: Am I The Only Spouse Feeling This Way?

tymeModerator

Re: Am I The Only Spouse Feeling This Way?

Hi there @CJ130 ,

Thank you for sharing and opening up about what's been going on for you. It sounds like you've been carrying this for many years. I'm hearing how hard and isolating things have been, and there seems to be so little support.

I'm sorry to hear about your husband in that he's still quite closed up.

I hope members here on the forums are able to share their insights and experiences so you feel less alone in this.

@0ddsidian @RiverSeal

In response to: Am I The Only Spouse Feeling This Way?

30ormoreCasual Contributor

Re: Am I The Only Spouse Feeling This Way?

No, you are not the only one. Much of what you have said resonates. Raising your children while dealing with this unenviable situation is a credit to you. You have done very well. I have no children to look after, and I still find this so difficult. I finally got my partner to see a counsellor, but... like you say, if the counsellor doesn't have a defence background, they haven't got a clue what they are dealing with. In fact I feel that it has just made things worse. It seems it has just given my partner a licence to be more deliberate in their emotional cruelty, inconsistency and the use of different words to hide their real feelings.

The friendship circle where we live doesn't have a clue about my struggle because my partner's public persona (when I can get them out in public situations) is all charm and making people laugh. In our private space, the withdrawal and the disconnection is soul destroying.

Yes, I agree that we have to deal with the hand that we are dealt. But I also feel we only get one life. It feels like my life is one of being stuck in standby, waiting for the good part to kick in.

The feeling of isolation within a marriage is very real. Painfully real.

In response to: Re: Am I The Only Spouse Feeling This Way?

CJ130Casual Contributor

Re: Am I The Only Spouse Feeling This Way?

Wow, you summed it up perfectly being stuck on standby. My children who are adults now deal with it even though they don’t understand why he does what he does. I am sorry you’re dealing with it too but your reply has given me relief that I am not the only one and just not accepting of the situation. I think another describing it would be he is surviving not thriving, so I have to thrive without him. Thank you so much for replying. Have a good weekend.🩷

In response to: Re: Am I The Only Spouse Feeling This Way?

30ormoreCasual Contributor

Re: Am I The Only Spouse Feeling This Way?

You are welcome. Would you believe I heard 'stuck in standby' myself only just this morning while I was listening to a 'how to help yourself' podcast? When I heard it, I thought, "Yes, that's exactly what it feels like!" Welcome to my life!"😁

In response to: Am I The Only Spouse Feeling This Way?

RiverSealModerator

Re: Am I The Only Spouse Feeling This Way?

Hey @CJ130, thank you for sharing your experiences with the community!

It sounds like you and your family are going through a tough time with your husband and have been for a while. You are demonstrating your resilience and strength by reaching out to your peers here on the Forums. It's is not easy to be vulnerable and share our challenges with the community.

I'm so glad you go an amazing response from @30ormore , who validated your feelings and thoughts with similar experiences. It's heartwarming to see the Veteran Families space being supportive and a safe space to share and learn with each other.

I believe there may be more Members who can also share similar stories and I hope they can share their insights too!

Take care

RiverSeal

In response to: Am I The Only Spouse Feeling This Way?

LGContributor

Re: Am I The Only Spouse Feeling This Way?

I can completely relate to what you are saying. My husband is still currently serving and is definitely a lot like this way.

I recently watched this you tube video called "you're not in the forces now" and then had my husband watch it too and it was incredible. We both gained perspective on the defence mindset. As you would know from serving yourself a lot of these behaviours are trained into them and are really difficult to train out.

There are supportive Facebook groups where you can have a chat with people who are going through the same thing. I recently did the Understanding PTSD course with Stronger we Stand, and it gave some really good insights into not only PTSD, but anxiety and mental distress and came from a clinician and a person with Lived Experience point of view.

In response to: Am I The Only Spouse Feeling This Way?

Caring_wifeCasual Contributor

Re: Am I The Only Spouse Feeling This Way?

Hi I'm only new and joined today. This is exactly how I have been feeling. You are not alone. Hearing how you feel has made me realise I too am not alone. My husband medically discharge in 2019. He has PTSD, depression and other ailments. He too doesn't like to go out as too noisy, too much hassle, etc etc. I have felt really lonely since moving interstate and unable to make friends with demand placed upon me. I feel isolated as he tends to shut down. I know he loves me so much but he doesn't know how to show. You will be OK. Thanks to this great forum. Cheers

In response to: Re: Am I The Only Spouse Feeling This Way?

rav3nSenior Contributor

Re: Am I The Only Spouse Feeling This Way?

hey @Caring_wife just popping in to welcome you to the forums! really glad to hear that you feel less alone 💙

also wanted to share a posting tip - when you reply to posts, you can tag the person you're responding to by using @ and then typing their username and selecting it. like this @CJ130 - that way, the person will be notified of your response. (@CJ130 i think the above response is for you)

look forward to seeing you around the forums space. 😊

In response to: Re: Am I The Only Spouse Feeling This Way?

Caring_wifeCasual Contributor

Re: Am I The Only Spouse Feeling This Way?

@rav3n thank you so much.

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