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Realisation about husband after my father just died

CarryOnPorkChopContributor09 June 2025, 4:23 pm AEST

Realisation about husband after my father just died

My father was very unwell for many years and recently passed away in palliative care. I came to terms with my grief a long time ago and stopped grieving his death before he had died. I didn't want to waste time being sad while he was still alive. When I found out he was gone I was glad his suffering was finally over, but also my Mum's. Her life has been on hold and her physical health declined as she was unable to leave the house for years due to his care needs.

When I was at Mum's house with my siblings organising the funeral old issues that I thought had been resolved with my husband resurfaced. I thought he had truly changed his outlook after couples therapy last year. Turns out it was only due to life changes that I had been working towards during hard times with little support finally eventuating to reduce my stress.

I love my husband and I know he loves me, but at the same time I've realised I will never be able to depend upon him. Neither he nor I can change that. The house we live in will never be a home in which I can feel safe. I will have to support myself so I don't end up like my Mum giving up my health and sanity for someone who won't do the same in return.

2 replies

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In response to: Realisation about husband after my father just died

RiverSealModerator09 June 2025, 4:58 pm AEST

Re: Realisation about husband after my father just died

Hey @CarryOnPorkChop, thanks for sharing your experiences with the community!

Sounds like you have been through a lot with your father passing and your husband not being there for you. It takes courage to share your thoughts and feelings with the community and you are being really brave being vulnerable with your peers.

I can totally relate to the way you handled your father's passing, as I was very similar last year. My mum also did the same thing as yours and is now able to do the things she needs to take care of herself and socialise more.

It sounds like you have been down the couples counselling road already with your husband. Do you need to reach out for support for yourself from 1800RESPECT or Relationships Australia?

I encourage you to continue to share your experiences with the community and I believe your peers will have some insights to share too!

Take care

RiverSeal

In response to: Realisation about husband after my father just died

BowSenior Contributor09 June 2025, 5:41 pm AEST

Re: Realisation about husband after my father just died

Hi @CarryOnPorkChop firstly just wanna say sorry for the loss of your dad. It can be really hard to watch a loved one slowly deteriorate and disappear in front of us. We went through that a couple of years ago with my step dad. My mum too spend a good year prior to his passing, stuck at home caring for him and not wanting to leave him on his own. I can very much relate to grieving their loss before they even pass. When it then actually happens it feels really weird. Was for me anyways.

Although out situations are different, soon into my marriage with my now ex, I discovered that he was never going to be the support that I needed. That he was not the person that I thought he was. I went into my marriage with this picture of who I wanted my husband to be. What I wanted our marriage to look like. How our family would be. But that was never going to happen. He hid so much from me and was never willing to change. In the end I needed to make the decision for the sake of my own happiness and mental health.

it’s a hard place to be stuck in.

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