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I'm the primary support for my adult daughter who has BPD and complex PTSD. I'm also the focus of her 'I love you - I hate you' BPD behaviour. The single biggest stressor in my life, by far, is being screamed at by her - often continously for 5 minutes or more, with or without personal insults and object throwing, often several times per day. My attempts to set boundaries on this have not worked, nor my attempts to use the recommended responses to these 'splits'.
The second biggest stressor is the amount of time my daughter currently needs from me - most of my waking hours go into activites to stop her dropping into a bad mental state and taking her to appointments. I ran out of paid leave weeks ago and owe my employer about 90 hours of work.
My daughter and her psychologist have recommended I get councelling for myself. That’s good practice for anyone in an ongoing stressful situation, of course.
But it makes me feel patronised. I ask myself - why? What good would it do me? Would I get screamed at less? Would I have more time to do paid work or activities for myself? Or would it reduce my stress in an unhealthy way - by making me more accepting of being screamed at, as a 'normal' part of my relationship with my daughter?
I'm not convinced that councelling will help me, and not just be a new drain on my time and bank account.
In response to: Convince me that councelling will help
AppleblossomSenior Contributor
Re: Convince me that councelling will help
@LondonCalling
Hearing you about the difficulties of supporting an adult child with mental health issues. My son endures a lot and it has been a very difficult journey for me, but he has never treated me that way. I wonder what protection for yourself and possibly limits or distance from your daughter you could put in place. Maybe withdrawing some support so she learns to do more distress regulation and ethical and reasonable interaction. The BPD diagnosis should not be used as an excuse.
I have studied and done counseling for most of my life. Yes it has helped but also been a drain on time and money. Good luck with your decision making.
In response to: Convince me that councelling will help
mazza3Contributor
Re: Convince me that councelling will help
My experience as a mother of an adult son with severe mental health issues who has a number of addictions is - having a counsellor has helped me focus when I'm overwhelmed. I use her as a sounding board and sometimes I am surprised to hear the fears and anxieties I have about mine and my son's future. Yes like me you cannot change what your child is struggling with, but for me seeing a counsellor gives me strength to keep going.
In response to: Convince me that councelling will help
Lucky11Contributor
Re: Convince me that councelling will help
Hi there
I can totally relate to your situation- as I’m dealing with virtually the same scenario. It is exhausting and relentless.
Previously I completed a free service called Family Connections which is run via BPD Co. This isn’t counselling but it aims to help us communicate easier with our loved ones that are living with BPD as well as having a community of people who are going through similar experiences, perhaps this could be an option?
I have recently signed up for the free counselling service offered here on Sane with a peer support worker. I’m not sure if it’s helping but its a sounding board - you should be able to look into this in this site.
I’ve thought about seeking help for myself with a psychologist as well. I guess I’m trying to figure out how much you can take before walking away- I feel like I’m loosing myself to this, I feel terrible even saying that but after 2 years of living like this I wonder how much more I can take. Apart from the thousands we have spent on therapy for our person, the personal mental tole it’s having on our family is exhausting.
I do try and do something for myself that brings me joy as much as I can, it sounds so cliche but it’s important to take care of yourself to keep your head above water.
Know that you’re not alone. I wish you all the very best.
In response to: Convince me that councelling will help
I hear your concerns about Counselling and I was reluctant to seek their help too. For me, I was brought up with the derogatory stereotyping of “shrinks” and I’d only see counsellors because I’m a lunatic who needs to be put in an insane asylum. However, while mental health may still be a stigma for some, I overcame it because it held me back from making progress and from helping the person I’m a carer for.
Counselling has been a very effective tool for me. I don’t always chat with them, only when I reach roadblocks. They help me formulate plans and tools. I can download all my concerns to them and I don’t know them. it can feel intrusive and I am totally vulnerable, but there’s no judgment, or any humiliating criticism. If they’re good counsellors, they really listen, voice suggestions that is relevant to what has been said or ask questions that make a person think. I’ve had some make really good suggestions and tips or tools and I’m given the choice to take it on or not. Usually they guide me to make my own healthy strategies to deal with my concerns. I am far more aware of my own reactions to confronting / triggering aspects my family member I care for might do and I now try to respond in a more productive way for my own wellbeing, not my family member. Funny, I now get frustrated more about whether I’m acting on the strategies I’ve learned than getting agitated with my family member, so it takes any resentment or irritation off their actions and how I can respond. So, counselling is all about me and it’s nice being the centre of attention when normally the main focus is always on someone else. My opinion counts for a change and I gain a boost to my self-esteem. While some counsellors have no idea what I’m going through, I’m human with very real, very valid, very important feelings which is what they’ve studied so some tips aren’t relevant while other suggestions have just “rocked my world”.
I don’t mean to be condescending, but I reckon it’s great you’re wanting to know if there’s any point to it. It could be good or not and as there are free sessions available, you may need some time out on your own, so why not give a try? It’s free. We all need to get away some time. It’s a hour. They ask you questions about yourself, get background an understanding of family dynamics, then they go from there. There’s no harm other than the time you spend with a counsellor and for a change, it’ll be all about you, your hopes, dreams, goals, objectives and maybe they’ll help you plan on how to achieve it.
Anyway, all the best with whatever you decide to do. Thanks for questioning it because it made me value the experience even more.
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