Vent

Hi @amonrae04 I am sorry to hear that you feel as though you are not getting anywhere in a hurry. Especially that appears to be in spite of doing a lot of things to try to move yourself on. I have been in a bit of a slump for about 6 months now. I still try to do all my usual activities and even put myself a bit "out there" for me, in doing a fairly public volunteer role last weekend and was even on the local news. No one would think that I was going home just feeling so empty.

I'm hearing ya!

Sometimes ya just gotta vent...
How ya going? Full of self hate by the sound of it.

I got a task for you.
Go climb your mountain, I shit you not, go climb a mountain.

Could not be more serious.

Ok, firstly... you do know that you are awesome don't you?
We're all awesome, it's just some of us don't know it.
I wanna try and help you find your awesome, it's not hard, it is right at the back of your brain where you put the stuff you don't use any more. usually smothered by self loathing, insecurities, doubt and all that negative shit YOU didn't put there, OTHER PEOPLE dumped that negativity into your brain.

Back to the mountain... I went for the biggie, CBF looking up the spelling, but the Kosiosko-whatever, that one.

One Christmas eve, was thinking about going and sitting with 20 people I barely liked and rarely talked to and having the pleasure of hearing great aunty Effie burp and fart her way through 4 courses, I had the choice of 4 hours of relatives tut-tutting my life choices or go and do something I would enjoy.
So it was: -
*ring ring...
"Yeah, a dodgy vindaloo got me Aunty, I won't make it, sorry... and give my regards to everyone!"
Swag in the ute and I was off, found myself camped beside a lovely river just out of Thredbo, with, as I recall...
... a massive hangover.
... a close to empty bottle of extremely good single malt whiskey (with an "e")
... a lot of new friends
and...
... a new way to integrate a drinking game into charades... you had to be there. One of the funniest nights I have spent anywhere.

Now a couple of things I want to point out here.
The hardest part of climbing my mountain was just making the decision to do something for myself.
The climb itself is not hard, myself and probably 4,000 other intrepid climbers did it that Boxing Day. You basically get on a chairlift up the steep part and then walk a few kilometers over gently undulating country to the top of the mountain, in some of the most gob smacking awesome scenery this land has to offer. I found myself constantly stopping and just looking, overawed, thinking what the rest of the world was doing, what they could be doing, what I was doing, and how awesome is this and how freaking awesome am I?

I shit you not, it was a life changer.

Find your mountain my friend.
You are not alone, be the most awesome version of yourself you can, for you, and no one else but you.

if you want to bend my ear and have a chat, feel free, but be warned, like Donkey out of Shrek, the hard part might be getting me to shut up. 🙂

So jealous of the Nepal thing @amonrae04
And I was right, you are awesome.

Yeah, tough finding the metaphorical mountain.
But when you do find it, or it most likely it finds you, you will know, no one will need to tell you anything.
Mine found me.

@Till23 I have been off the forums for a while was actually starting to feel a lot better seemed like medication was working I started some conversations about returning to work and I had hope! And managed to get through the week on reduced hours and duties surely a good first step. Started off with some morning cortisol last week and I was like that's ok I can do this for a little while it's for a good cause I'm training my brain not to fear this anymore and was tolerating it. But as I wake up on Saturday and feel if all again all of the fear all of the uncomfortableness the tolerance is becoming more difficult and the thoughts of SI have come back to escape it I won't but I just want the old me back

Thanks @lola not in any danger just frustrated 🙂