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Feel like I'm living in purgatory

LivinginhopeCasual Contributor21 Jan 2015, 11:46 pm AEDT

Feel like I'm living in purgatory

I am new to this forum an am desperately after advice because I'm terrified I am making the wrong decisions an will leave my partner with no real support network!
My partner n I have been together for 3 years an between us have 6 children from previous relationships, he has working away fifo for the past 18 mths. Our relationship has never really been smooth sailing from the start an at every stage of advancement in the relationship he would react an cut contact with me for several weeks at a time an then when he seemed over his episode he would then slowly make excuses for contact an return to the relationship until the next time something trigger an episode. It was a close friend of ours that spoke to me an made me aware that his behaviour displayed traits of bipolar disorder an at the time of this conversation I didn't feel comfortable bring the issue up with him, although now I wish I had of but walking on egg shells the majority of the time I didn't want to rock the boat. During one of his episodes that I didn't exist he had a sexual relationship with a person that we both know an at the time I was not aware an he was not forth coming with the information, I was of course gutted when I found out an still to this day he can't see the issue because in his mind we weren't together so it shouldn't matter. Although I know if the shoe was on the other foot it would matter to him, I also for my own self protection do not want to know the degree of their sexual relations or any other details. Not long after this incident an before I was aware of it, an just before he was leaving to start his new job he told me he loved me for the first time an because it took almost 20 mths into our relationship for him to do so I honestly thought he must have meant it. Obviously it wasn't long after that I found out the truth of what had previously happened an me confronting him caused another episode but the episodes began to change an he wouldn't disconnect from me to the extent that he previously had an I don't know whether that had anything to do with the fact that he was working thousands of km's away for weeks at time or not? It took a couple of months for things to really get back on track an now I can see that what seemed to me like 'wow we have finally made it' was a period of mania an obsessive spending, all on himself of course as he had the finances to now do so because of his work, an he suggested that we finally make the big decisions an move in together which of course I was over the moon about an obviously so was he. But it wasn't till months later when the big move occurred an the toll of working the fifo lifestyle started to kick in an of course the guilt of all the money he had spend on ridiculous purchases instead of saving for a house which was his original intentions an things started to change again an this time obviously because of the commitments we now share life is the hardest it has ever been an I have actually spoken to him about his mental health issues an my concerns for him. We have been in our new home for 4 months an the second time he told me he was leaving I reacted an said yep u r an started packing all his things an unfortunately this happened 2 days before he had to fly back to work for a month so nothing was resolved before he left except he listen to what I had to say an said I was probably right an he needed to see a doctor! After he had left I found a secret facebook page that he has shared with his ex girlfriend for the past 18 mths!! That's half our relationship an this page had continued even after we moved in together although it is consistent with his highs an lows an has months of no activity, I was shattered an said things I shouldn't have said in hindsight an I obviously hadn't educated myself enough on bipolar disorder to understand an support him the way I possibly should have. An now the confusion an the heartwrenching gut wrenching down ward spiral for me has begun as the same day I confronted him over the secret page the real estate informed me that the landlords want to move back into their property so we need to find other housing, that's fine but he is currently having another episode where he wants to keep me at arms length an says that he will now live on his own an I have found a property suitable for my children an myself but it won't accomodate us all when he is home an his children visit. I have explained all this to him an have had 3 more conversations in regards to him seeking treatment an during one of those conversations he asked for my support but has no decided he has hurt me enough an doesn't want to hurt me anymore then backs it up with I'm getting treatment for both our sakes! I need some stability for myself an kids but don't want to push him to far into a deep depression either an I am due to sign the lease for the new property tomorrow but am in two minds an have people close to us both saying he does love you an he hasn't finished with this relationship yet but I feel like I'm getting nothing back from him which I understand he probably can't help an I have offered my unconditional love an support an reassured him I don't want to walk away if he is prepared to get treatment but now he is pushing me so far away an I'm scared once I sign this lease an move that he will regret what has happened but for I need to protect my own self somewhere here too
I apologise if this sounds like ramblings I have never found myself in a situation like this before an I love this man with all I have but I don't know that I can save him without losing myself

7 replies

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In response to: Feel like I'm living in purgatory

HobbitSenior Contributor22 Jan 2015, 6:47 pm AEDT

Re: Feel like I'm living in purgatory

Hi @Livinginhope ,

You poor thing!! I can see all over your post how much you do actually love him, and how much you are hurting. While I cannot say anything relating to diagnoses, etc, I do know, that when someone has a mental illness, and is having episodes like this, the behaviour is very erratic indeed.

It really sounds like you have been through the "ringer" here - you have tried many different options, and still there doesn't appear to be any progress. Have you considered getting some carer support for yourself? Carers Australia might be a good place to start. The site is here. Otherwise, tell us which state you are in and we might be able to give you some local contacts for carer support.

I think you need to connect wih others and this is a really good place to start. I think @PeppiPatty @Alessandra1992 @kristin may have some good insighs for you.

Also, I found this thread that you might be interested in reading and contributing to, in order to get some more advice. I hope all this helps, and I think you are really doing the right thing reaching out to people and asking for help.

Hobbit.

In response to: Re: Feel like I'm living in purgatory

kristinSenior Contributor22 Jan 2015, 11:06 pm AEDT

Re: Feel like I'm living in purgatory

Dear @Livinginhope

Welcome to the forums! Sorry it is under such dire circumstances. Thanks for your bluntly honest and heart-wrenching post.

I hear you that you love this guy, but to be honest he is not changing for the better in this 3 year picture you've given us. He's getting worse. I understand that you want to help him, but first and foremost you need to protect yourself and your children. What you desrcibe fits a domestic violence picture. Emotional abuse can be as damaging or even worse than other abuse, partly because it is much harder to recognise. This not only has a profound impact on you, but also on your kids. No wonder it is completely doing your head in.

What you describe rings loud alarm bells with me. It reminds me SO much of my former partner, especially with the constantly walking out (we were together on and off, similar to what you describe, for about 7 years). He has C-PTSD and was diagnosed with bipolar for a long time (most recent diagnosis is just the PTSD, but I don't buy it - I have both and I know what I've seen & what he's told me). Anyway I am telling you all this because we split up 3 years ago - I still care about him a lot, and at this time he still lives in my home (separate sleeping arrangements). He is a genuinely good person, I love him like a brother. But in many ways he is not good at taking responsibilty for himself or his behaviour. He is either highly defensive and hostile, or on his best behaviour when I draw clear boundaries. Last October I asked him to move out and he's still here. I can see I will have to give him a date to be out by, and reiterate what I said then - living "rough" (on the street) is not acceptable. That's why he's always ended up back here. We have a 6yo daughter, and she would be devastated if she found out. But I can't be his mother, and that is what it feels like he needs at times. I can't carry him.

I know this is by no means an easy thing to do - this guy's had you on a yoyo for 3 years. But I suggest to you that perhaps the most loving thing you can do for this man is to be very clear with him that his behaviour is not ok. When he gets ongoing help and deals with his issues you might consider seeing him again. You cannot rescue him, but he can drag you & your kids down with him. If he does really care for you then he may care enough for himself to get the ongoing help he needs and sort himself out. This is by no means easy (I've suffered from acute mental illness for 35 years, so I speak from experience) and accepting the consequences of our actions is never easy for anyone, sometimes even harder for those of us with MIs - but it is not only possible it is necessary for our wellbeing.

Please take care of you.

As my friend @Rick says...

hope endures!

Kindest regards,

Kristin

In response to: Feel like I'm living in purgatory

Alessandra1992Senior Contributor23 Jan 2015, 3:07 pm AEDT

Re: Feel like I'm living in purgatory

Hey @Livinginhope, where are you located? I think @kristin has summed up what may be some good options for you as your partner's mental health does not excuse his disregard for your relationship. Which having a secret Facebook account is pretty much disregarding your relationship.
I am wondering if he did actually follow through and leave..would you be able to afford to stay where you are? Hence wondering where you are located so we can maybe point you towards carer service and financial counselling..
It is tough being a single mum..but it sounds as though you are still a single mum because he hasn't treated you, your children or even his children very respectfully... If he is now getting help, its a step in the right direction but as @kristin states, children are sponges watching and observing the dynamics of adult relationships around them..and whilst fifo is really hard on many families, it is not fair to blame everything on you..You haven't been acting out..I am not surprised you're ready to throw in the towel..but maybe join carer's group before you do..I imagine supporting his own kids and yours would be pretty expensive, so he may need to do lots of personal work on what really matters to him..partner in life? loving home life? financial security? Friends? Who knows what another person's priorities are, or what drives them?
He may prefer to run, and that's OK too, what matters is how supported you are if that occurs..

In response to: Feel like I'm living in purgatory

LivinginhopeCasual Contributor25 Jan 2015, 1:03 pm AEDT

Re: Feel like I'm living in purgatory

Thank you for your reply's an sorry I have been MIA. I made the big decision to move out on my own with my children, it's been tough as u can all understand. My original plan was to be moved before he returned from work in early February, but he left work on Friday to apparently come home an talk but all he did was further antagonise the situation an never actually came near me at all!! I have had to block all contact for my own sanity an have had no contact since Friday when he informed me via phone that he was going to seek treatment but so far his only form of treatment has been to frequent the pub!! And yes I do love that man an took on board all comments an have decided regardless of what happens within his life from here I can't help or support him an as harsh an callous as that sounds I have to protect myself an my own mental well being, I already have my hands more than full with my youngest child having autism an after everything that has gone on over the last 3 years I am completely exhausted an need to build myself back up for the sake of my children particularly my son.

Thank u again for ur help an advise an for taking the time to read my lengthy post an each day is a new day xox

In response to: Feel like I'm living in purgatory

Alessandra1992Senior Contributor25 Jan 2015, 8:43 pm AEDT

Re: Feel like I'm living in purgatory

Hey @Livinginhope, that's a big change for you in so many ways.
1) You have taken charge of your situation
2) You have set out reasonable boundaries
3) You have put yourself as priority, and recognised that to look after your children, you have to look after you..
4) Keep posting and let us know how we can help you, parenting is hard work, parenting children with specific needs can be exhausting if we are not supported..
5) You so totally rock (quote from turtle in Finding Nemo)..
Giant hugs to you and stay in touch..

In response to: Re: Feel like I'm living in purgatory

kristinSenior Contributor25 Jan 2015, 10:22 pm AEDT

Re: Feel like I'm living in purgatory

Dear @Livinginhope

Well done! I agree with all Sandy has said. You have made a huge step forward here in choosing to look after yourself and the kids, setting some clear boundaries.

It sounds like you are seeing things more clearly too. You are not being harsh - you are being realistic. Self-medication with alcohol is not "treatment" - you are quite right, nor is it likely to be helpful.

I'd also like to second Sandy's invitation to stick around and keep us in the picture. We are happy to lend you support and encouragement where we can.

I hope you can get a bit of much needed rest and emotional recharge when you're moved and school goes back. Take care of you.

Kindest regards,

Kristin

In response to: Re: Feel like I'm living in purgatory

JoSenior Contributor29 Jan 2015, 2:32 pm AEDT

Re: Feel like I'm living in purgatory

I agree with everything everyone else has said. Congratulations on taking control of your life. You needed to do this not only for your own sanity and wellbeing but also for the sake of your kids. I hope and pray he does seek treatment and sticks with it. You never know....very often it's not until you take the stance of 'tough love', as you have done, that things begin to improve.

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