Tired of gaslighting and lost

Hello @monochrome_one, welcome to the forum, holy crap this sounds very similar to my experiences with my ex wife (of 17 years), I'm sorry you're experiencing this.

Firstly you're not alone with this type of experience, and good on you for reaching out.

I don't know where to start, your story has triggered so many flashbacks.

I truly want to comment something positive but I am biased by my experience.

In regards to your wife's mental health, is she suffering from any mental health issues? (oh and for the love of god do not even suggest this to her, mine had to have an epic breakdown before she could see things weren't right)

I'm going to take a wild guess here and assume you've tried talking to her about these issues, and again let me guess, she gets defensive and diverts the conversation away from the issue and / or twists things around so it's someone else's fault, and you're left feeling like an absolute idiot for bringing it up or you're left feeling like you're the crazy one imagining issues?

Let me make another guess, every special day (Christmas, new years, birthdays etc etc) there's always a drama, arguments at the family Christmas dinner etc? you know the prime times to for an argument to have the maximum manipulation effect.

I would recommend marriage counselling (again I could write a paragraph on this, but even they recommended she seek mental health treatment)

You sound soul crushingly tired, I hope you haven't reached the stage where you're hanging on just for the sake of the kids, acting as a buffer between her issues and the kids.

I could write so much more but it's triggering me big time.

Firstly you're not alone, even though you have probably been isolated from family and friends, you are not alone.

Stay strong & don't be afraid to reach out!

Hi sparky, I'm sorry to bring those feelings back up! sadly your story sounds all too familiar, like scarily so. I know she is going through some depression and we have tried to talk about it but she blames me for it. she moved here when we got married (she's from america). she misses home and I get that, but blames me for struggling here sometimes. she literally chose to come here I might add.

Its my fault she's not "home" where apparently the grass is greener longer and better in every possible way, but im "holding her back" (ie can't afford to just pickup and move overseas because outside of movies people dont just do that on a whim). I do my best to ensure she gets to visit home as often as practical, and usually its every few years, and this time we are all going. but as you know, its not exactly affordable to fly everyone out there all the time. I've suggested counselling, and will seriously look into arranging it because I know nothing will happen if I dont.

And yes you are right, its always holidays. I could make a post about Christmas alone but its too much for now (same stuff though).

I just so tired of being the source of all her problems, hate and grievances. the kids tend to side with her and tell me to just "say sorry" (for what!!!) but unlike her I try my best to shield them from it where she gets in their ear to work them against me. I never, EVER would do that no matter how bad it gets).

if we seperate im sure she wants to move home which she feels will solve all her problems but the kids are an issue, of course I'm not keen on being separated with them. and I get told that, she's id "hold it against her and not let her take them" like its some sort of leverage and not, you know, a dad not wanting to be away from his kids.

I'm so tired of her not taking responsibility for any of her own decisions and blaming everything bad that happens on me.

thank you for writing your post means a lot and I hope you are doing better now

@monochrome_one oh no need to apologise, when you have given all your heart and soul to someone and it was never enough, it certainly does a hell of a number on you.

In regards to the kids response of "Just say sorry" that's their tactic of dealing with their mum and unfortunately by placating her it makes things worse in the long run.

Honestly no matter how much you give, how much you comply it will never be enough, I hate saying that, but again I'm going from my experience. towards the end I felt like an empty shell, I remember being excited to go home from work, in love with the idea of an amazing life with an amazing woman and our children, unfortunately as soon as they key would hit the front door all that would disappear and the anxiety would hit, wondering what the hell I was walking into today. I eventually realised I was in love with the idea of love, the idea of a dream life, unfortunately the dream that we were working towards was a dream only I was left with. For me the final straw was when she had been chatting to a local guy on Facebook, she had a crush on this married guy and tried making me more like him, wanting me to change, saying I'm not C*nty enough, I told her I love you and I'd never be that way to someone I love. I loved and supported her through so much, I adored her for the way she was and yet she couldn't do the same for me.

As you said she chose to move here, and truthfully you're being attacked for small piddly stuff as you're going above and beyond as a father and supportive husband and she has nothing else to throw at you.

If the worst does happen and you do split, it's very hard for one parent to take the children to another country or state without the others permission, remember you have rights, because I didn't know mine and I got screwed over massively.

Kids aren't silly, they can see the truth, especially when one parent bad mouths the other to the kids and what they see and experience doesn't line up.

At one point I had my 2 eldest 100% and my youngest 50% only because she wasn't old enough to decide for herself.

She won't fix her problems because it's easier to blame someone else then have a pity party, my ex wife would say she was fed up with arguing, mind you I was seen to be arguing if I asked a question, offered a solution or compromise to het latest demands, anything other than a yes was an argument. The ironic thing being she argues with her current husband a million times more than we ever did.

Be prepared it takes a few years for the crap to settle, and she will try everything she can to get everyone on her side, mine even accused me of trying to run her over after I took the foot of the brake whilst the car was in park, it rolled back a tiny bit and the mirror tapped her back. she walked inside afterwards, no emotion or anything. my son refused to see me for a couple of weeks after that, I literally had to show him the dashcam footage before he believed me over what his mum had been saying.

I do recommend marriage counselling, I literally had to leave the wife for a week and I came back under the condition that we had marriage counselling. I had suggested it numerous times prior to this, but I got the response of "you're the only one with an issue, so you go", hence why I left for the week.

Again on marriage counselling, I pray that it works for you, and isn't what I experienced. It would usually go the following way, 1st week after counselling things are great we are both trying, 2nd week it feels as though she's given up but things are ok as I'm still trying, 3rd week I've had enough of being the only one trying so things start going to crap again, 4th week back to the way things were.

Stay strong, the truth of things will be exposed more and more, after all you have been groomed, moulded into her compliance for the whole time you've been together. Doing whatever she wants for peace and quiet, for her affection, her attention, using whatever means she can to get everything she can out of you, then when you think you've given your all, she'll find another tactic to get more.

Apologies if what I've said isn't the case, and your situation is better, as I said, I'm biased by the torment I suffered at the hands of a narcissist (who also turned out to be bi polar as well, but that wasn't diagnosed until her second marriage)

Hello @monochrome_one,

Welcome to the forums and thank you so much for sharing what is going on for you. I can imagine that would have taken a lot of courage. I am so sorry to hear you are in this position, it must be incredibly overwhelming for you. I can really see how hard you are trying to be there for your wife and that the same kindness isn't being reciprocated - you always deserve to be treated with respect in your relationship. Do you have many people you can turn to at the moment?

I am so glad to see @Former-Member is supporting you today.

(Because this is a triggering topic for you, I would like to invite you to listen to your body and take breaks whenever you need to @Former-Member. We really appreciate you supporting @monochrome_one. 💛)

I would like to add some additional resources for further support here.

Relationships Australia for ongoing counselling and mediation: Relationship Support Services | Relationships Australia NSW

And 1800 Respect for any immediate support you may needing, including safety planning: Home | 1800RESPECT

We are all here for you and will make sure to check-in, but please let us know if there is anything else you may be needing in the meantime.

Hoping that your evening feels a bit lighter than your day (and I hope you get to talk to mum too!)

Talk soon,

AuntGlow. ✨

Thanks @AuntGlow, I'll keep that in mind.

Unfortunately when it comes to narcissistic partners the socially accepted norm is that it's the men that are the narcissists and there's tons of support for female victims, and it can be challenging for men to come forward, so if I can help, I will regardless of gender.

hi @AuntGlow thank you so much fot your comment. I will look into those resources for sure. I dont want this to end but I'm so confused and hurt I dont see a future today. thank you.

also thank you @Former-Member again very helpful. I'm glad your in a better place now but where you were i feel that so much. I'm going to sleep now its early but what else can I do ive already "ruined the day" and I got nothing else to give right now. so worn down I can't even be awake pathetic huh

@monochrome_one no not pathetic at all, you're emotionally drained and it's a perfectly normal response.

Listen to your body and do what you need to do to keep going.

Thanks for having the courage to reach out.

@monochrome_one You are most welcome. Your need for sleep isn't pathetic it all, it sounds like you have had to manage a lot of big emotions today, so it's understandable that you would be needing rest. 💛