I think I made my partner withdraw to the point of no return

I'm diagnosed BPD and C-PTSD. I think it's worse than that but I would need a new assessment. I'm rawdogging this shii.. & have been doing so for about 8 years (not without lack of trying to get support).

I have a journal/self-care/habits builder/tracker on my phone. I keep a big visual calender tracker too. I listen to a lot of selfhelp & support podcasts, I actively try and do what's in my power at home to do what I need to manage. I download workbooks and deepdive myself. I practice mindfulness, grounding techniques and breathing practices. I have an appointment with a psychologist coming up, so I really hope there's some goals of mine that they feel up for the task of working with me through. With all of this said - When I have my episodes and regress into toxic behaviours, it's really bad... I become exceptionally selfish, rude, irritable, and explosive. It's like I am not in control of my behaviour or reactions in the slightest. I really hate how I treat my loved ones and I really wish I knew a way to just not have the episodes where I get that horrible.

I have a partner that has their own traumas, mental health struggles and big life stresses. They are going through a lot and are struggling to cope as well. I recently had a really, really bad episode that lasted about two weeks whilst they're going through their stuff. I know what I put them through is really, truly rough and undeserved. No one should ever be treated with unwarranted, misdirected anger, short temperedness and overall snappy behaviour. They are exceptionally valid in their hurt, anger, and frustration. They feel fed-up and unsure of the relationship, again, which is entirely valid. I completely understand what I have done is extremely damaging to them and our relationship. Since my episode, I have tried to apologise, and come to them with some kind of rectification plan for this as well as try and build a safety plan so they never have to experience this kind of stuff from me again.

They have been very defensive, reactive and treating every little thing as a fight. They have actively ignored me, and when I tried to ask about these behaviours of theirs (again I completely understand that I caused this) and if there's any way that we can maybe manage a way that we both kinda steer off this toxic path of ours they just lash out about 'what about my feelings?' I really have tried to acknowledge exactly where I need to take full accountability for my exceptionally toxic, harmful and detrimental behaviours. I just wanted to ask about if they are actively ignoring me, why are they still reaching out on snapchat for a streak continuation, if they actually want to be in this relationship still (if they don't, it hurts, but I get it). They need time and space which I fully understand, and I don't want to disrespect that boundary.

When they came over and we discussed the taking space, they said they would still leave their section of the wardrobe here but they took it without me seeing, they took their things from the garage, the only left one really easy 'grab n go' kind of item. I am genuinely scared that when we talk next weekend they are just going to want to end things entirely and not amicably. I do not want to breakup. I really do love this person, I know it may not sound like it with my capability of being so heartless to this person, but I really do love them and I really, am trying to work on my stuff and I'm looking for more supports to get on top of the episodes. Not just for them, but they are someone I truly do want to be better for.

If they want to end things, I do truly understand why and I know that it's a consequence for my behaviour, however this week of uncertainty is feeling like torture & I'm more scared they're just going to leave me in a state of emotional insecurity for a while, as they slowly, and slowly just keep withdrawing. Instead of just breaking up...