Advise needed- Father not mentally well

Hi @fedup

I'm guessing that your user name is an apt reflection of how you're feeling? It's sounds like you've been through the works.

It can be so hard when someone we care about refuses to acknowledge there's an issue and seek professional help. Generally, if someone chooses to not engage with support services they cannot be forced to. This means that generally speaking, your father would need to be willing to take part in professional help. However, involuntary assessment/treatments can only occur when someone is at immediate risk to themselves or other people. If anyone's safety is at risk, don't hesitate to contact to emergency services on 000 or the Crisis Assessment Team (psychiatric triage) at your local hospital.

It can also be useful to document his behaviours so that in the event of an involuntary assessment, the psych team can have those notes, which may assist in determining what sort of treatment is appropriate.

While your father may refuse to seek help, you may find it useful to get support for yourself. Speaking to a health professional can help develop strategies, and at the least be a support who can listen during tough times. And remember, there's people on this Forum, who can provide support.

You might find this discussion, 'what if they don't want help' usuful. In it, @SadMum @Dexy and @Rover @Cazzie are among a few carers who talk about issues with getting people help. I wonder if they have any advice?

CB

Hi @fedup

I am in a similar position with by 20 year old daughter. She is not living at home and I had no idea how unstable she was until she hit rock bottom and made contact with me - that was last October. All I can advise is that you contact a mental health unit where you live and relay everything that your father says or does (it helps to keep a bit of a diary). Like your father my daughter refused to see anyone professional - even a GP. The crunch came one afternoon when she 'lost it' and said something about not wanting to live anymore. I know it doesn't sound like much but it was enough for me to call an ambulance and get the process going. I had to tell them that she was mentally ill and threatening self harm (even though I didn't think she would do anything I did see two long scars on her arm and was not going to take any chances). The ambulance will bring police if they think someone is in danger of harm and in my case the police had to restrain my daughter while they made the call to contact the mental health unit. They have an emergency team who will come out to your house and 'assess' the patient which is what happened to my daughter (involuntarilly). The two people that turned up to my house assessed my daughter as mentally ill and signed paper work to have her scheduled. She had no choice but to go with the police and ambulance to our local hospital (she was kicking and screaming and it was very traumatic but now I look back it was the right decision).

My daughter was admitted to a mental health facility for adolescents (the do have them for adults as well). She was in there for 4 weeks then appealled the decision and a magistrate released her. They learn very quickly what to do and say to fool the professionals!. Of course she told the magistrate she would move back with me (her partner is not the best person for her to be around) and continue to take her medication. Of course that lasted one week - she stopped medication and moved back with the wayward boyfriend. That was five weeks ago and I have just maintained communication and worked on gaining and keeping her trust. It is hard work. The mental health team transferred her files to 'Headspace' in the area that she now lives and up until yesterday my daughter has refused to have anything to do with them. I however have spoken to them daily and kept them informed of any signs that she appears unwell - comments she makes, eating and sleeping patterns, personal hygiene etc. Headspace have been fantastic and with lots of trust and communication and a bit of reverse pyschology my daughter finally agreed to meet with them - under her conditions of course - had to be in a public place and the time she wanted. This was a lot of mucking around for the guy at Headspace but he made sure he changed his schedule to suit her!.

At the moment I don't even know if she turned up but I will be ringing them shortly to keep up to date. I think we have a long way to go but it is definitely a start for me.

Be prepared, ill people are very demanding and it is extremely tiring. I feel like I am constantly 'playing a game' to keep my daughter on side and to get her the help she needs so we don't have to go through the traumatic experience of involuntary treatment.

Hope this helps.

Thanks for sharing your story. I actually had my Sister in a similar position when she was your daughter’s age (she's now 28) however she used to use illegal drugs to ‘medicate’ herself’. She was in a very toxic and drug fuelled relationship and somehow managed to get out of the situation (with my help). Unfortunately she takes after my Dad a lot and suffered from severe depression and used to use illegal drugs to escape, in turn making her mental situation worse. I really don’t know what the turning point was with her, but it was a long struggle. I know how frustrating it is and hope your Daughter will seek the help she needs, it breaks my heart when I hear of such young people going thru mental issues.

And you are completely right, my Father has been manipulating doctors and the courts system for years, he is very very good at it. People say to me ‘but he’s such a lovely old man’ (63) and yes he is a very nice person when he wants to be, but then he just clicks and goes into what I call ‘psycho mode’, and this behaviour, although it has reached its peaks over the last few years, is becoming more consistent and volatile over the last few months.

And yes, he is the most demanding person. I think as he can’t directly intimidate my Mum, he aims everything at me. My Husband doesn’t want me to be alone with him in case I remind him too much of Mum one day and he snaps.

Wow just writing this out, I’m thinking what the hell am I doing still in contact with him but it’s just not that easy to turn my back. What if I do, what if he hurts someone, or himself, what if I could prevent his actions to some degree.

I will be making some calls today to his doctor and some other services today and have spent all last night compiling all of the incidents that have happened in the last 12 months.

Thanks again 🙂