Been stressed out about this to the point I had to do extensive research before I meet this dude from my ethnic country

I can hear your quite worried about having the idea of having kids forced upon you, since you've decided to not have any. What worries you the most if he relays the message of wanting to have kids from his parents?

Hey @Blackcloud ,

I just want to remind you that this is your life, and you can insist on your own agency, even when you feel trapped.

So you have 'choice points' along the way.

It's up to you whether you want to meet this guy or not. And each time after you see him, you can decide whether to continue, or end the contact.

A big part of the decision depends on whether you feel that a relationship is good for you at this point in time. And then whether he is good for that purpose. It is also okay to be single, despite what your Mum and Aunty say!

@PengTing that it would mean that i'll be forced to have kids against my wishes which obviously at the end would lead me to become really unhappy onwards and be more constantly emotionally and mentally unwell with the 'choice' and my future married life.. that's how i see it

@Blackcloud I see , you feel like you would have to go through with having kids since it's been brought up and there wouldn't be any more discussion around it. I'd echo what spirit healer said, it is your life, if it's something you don't want to do, you shouldn't have to. I can relate to how isolating it can be to have limited social supports and the desire to want them at the same time can be painful. Just wouldn't want you to make choices your not fully on board with just to reduce this feelings as painful as they would be. I know it's easier said then done. Apart from the worries of having kids pushed on you from this person. How are you feeling, about the prospect of meeting up with this person with the intention to maybe get married to them?

@PengTing i mean i would at least hope that this guy and his parents don't have that type of mindset since this is today's society and many of us gen z's around the world (that should include cambodia too) are considering on not having kids as i've learnt that we're more aware of the complications around having kids and stuff. and i know that i'm not at all capable of being a parent, emotionally, physically and mentally.

how i'm feeling about having to meet up with this person, well as usual, the thought of meeting up with him makes me scared, angry and worried. but at the same time, i guess it'd be nice to know more about him and what his views and values are...considering that he obviously uses social media and is also a uni student which i assume he's either currently doing bachelors or higher than that.

@Spirit_Healer I know, and I 100% agree with everything you said. ❤️

I've reached out to one of the family counselling services via email, and they tried calling me the other day but I missed it. Would've been better if they responded back to me via email instead instead of having to call me to discuss what I've been telling them about earlier. So i'm gonna see what i'll have to do about that.

Another thing for me to get rid of being trapped would be to possibly file an IVO, but I already backed out of that when I applied for it 2 weeks ago since I can't imagine my mum and I being unable to talk to each other for a long period... plus, she always provides me food on a weekly basis, as well as other basic needs occasionally. Also, I can imagine how scary and stressful going through the court process (along with having a lawyer) would be.

It's really difficult having to deal with all of this when you're feeling or basically being trapped in it. 😞 I just wish my mum would stop having the notion of 'whose gonna look after you when you get old' cause in the case of being with an immigrant who comes from a family-oriented country, that makes things 10x harder in itself considering the different cultures we were raised in and the different mindsets we have. but again, he's a gen z and he lived in the city/urban area so i do hope that at least he can be more open-minded. plus, many other gen z cambodians including him are now focused on pursuing higher education and a having a stable career as their first priority.

@Blackcloud Things are definitely changing in todays modern landscape, you seem to know exactly what your after

I couldn't imagine how scary that would be, sounds like part of you is curious about the experience, I know the worry won't easily subsided, but maybe you can get something out of this experience. I just hope you don't put your own needs aside for someone else's.

@PengTing

"I just hope you don't put your own needs aside for someone else's."

Exactly, and I don't want that to affect on how I choose to live my life as. I just feel really ashamed and embarrassed that I was born into this type of culture.

Yeah maybe I'll be able to get something out of this experience the more we possibly meet other unfortunately.

Hi @Blackcloud

It certainly sounds like a lot to think about and that you feel a lot of pressure to be in a situation you don't want.

You've done so well to speak up about not wanting kids, and it's great that your mum is listening and onboard with how you feel. I can see how it would be very stressful wondering if this guy (and his family) are going to be equally agreeable with your feelings. But try to keep in mind that you do have the right to set your own boundaries and be clear about them.

I know those social occasions are so hard when you feel so disconnected and invisible. It feels like it will always be that way, that's there's something wrong with us. Although it took me far too long to figure it out... there is nothing wrong with us, we just have our own unique struggles. And social ones are not uncommon. It's just that people who don't experience it have no understanding of how hard it is, so it just isolates us. Before too long we just come to expect it and go with it. But it's not so much that we need to change that much, we just need to accept that we'll probably never be those extroverted 'life of the party' types. But i've always found those types loud and annoying anyway. The secret for me has been to know that i'm a good person as I am (still takes me regular convincing) and that there are people who think the same. So it was always the people around me that i needed to change, not myself. I just needed a little confidence to see it. Just something to think about anyway. Don't be so quick to think you're the problem, especially hen your young and still figuring this life thing out.

I hope this meeting with this guy goes well for you both. But if it doesn't then whatever you decide is fair and valid and you shouldn't accept pressure from anyone to do things with your life you don't want to. Even if there are some expectations there culturally. It's your life, you deserve to be happy. And so does this guy. So if you have different values and needs from life, then maybe you both just each go your own way. Good luck.

absolutely agree with what others have mentioned around saying 'no'/ending things if it doesn't align with what you want. you are absolutely allowed to stop the interaction whenever you feel it's heading in the opposite direction of what you want. @Blackcloud

i think the Gen Z's are more open to not having kids, so fingers crossed he will be too. and if his parents say otherwise, they don't have control over your body. they can say whatever they want, but they can't stop you from choosing not to have kids. that's all in your control.

did your mum mention roughly when you'd be expected to speak to this guy? did she give you his name? (i usually try find the guy's social media page and do a lil search to see if we have anything in common hehe)