NightFurySenior Contributor
I think it's time to get some help
Hi,
I'm new here and I'm still learning how it works, so I apologise if I've chosen the wrong forum for this post. I don't have any diagnosis and I've never gotten help for my mental health concerns, but I have good, trusted friends who work in the mental health sector and they have suggested that perhaps my concerns are related to CPTSD. I also...without a doubt have a lot of anxiety. I'm a teacher and my teacher friends have also questioned whether I am either on the spectrum or have ADHD. It's hard because a lot of my symptoms run across diagnosis.
I have struggled with anxiety since my early teens. It has always had an impact on me, on my sleep and on my daily life. I have also had bouts of self-injury as I was growing up. The CPTSD came to the forefront when I did an early childhood regression meditation with a skilled practitioner and it brought back memories that I didn't even know that I had and I still actually don't have full access to. I grew up in a tough, but loving family. But unfortunately, it could border on being physically, mentally and emotionally abusive at times. Things would be going along okay and then it would explode, then it would go back to being okay. My Mum has her own issues - possibly undiagnosed autism and she would lash out from time to time. My younger brother grew up angry and I have memories of me hiding in my bedroom because he would fly into a rage and my parents would have to call the police.
I've also experienced several traumatic events during my childhood, including watching my Dad be beaten on the doorsteps of a closed police station, seeing a car crash into a river, losing my grandparents and now I know I was also abused by a man and a woman who were close to the family. But, I don't remember who...I can access memories of how it felt, and it sometimes resurfaces in my dreams as flash backs.
I have also experienced traumatic events in my adulthood, including bullying in a work place, witnessing a friend die in a car crash and my own melanoma diagnosis.
Following the childhood regression meditation and the surfacing of those memories, I would have huge panic attacks that would leave me curled up on the floor unable to breath with my heart beating that fast it felt like it was exploding. In 2023 I became suicidal and had plans and images of how I would take my life. Thank fully, I also had a lot of support and had a plan for how I would live.
In December 2023, I quit my teaching job, sold almost everything I owned and drove from Tasmania, to Queensland. It was there that I started to do a little bit of work on getting healthy. I started meditating, journalling, going to breathwork classes and sound healing classes. I had a daily practice of grounding my energy on the beach. I even went on retreat to Fiji, where I learnt about manifestation and did some somatic and NLP work. However, the person I lived with (we were friends) became mentally and emotionally abusive. I wasn't allowed to have friends because when I did, things would become really tense and hard at home. I didn't have my own space in the home - only my bedroom, which I was almost afraid to come out of because I would get in her way and then she would start slamming things around and yelling. I tried to find my own house, but with a lot of people applying and rental prices through the roof, it didn't happen. Eventually she told me that she wanted me out - she wouldn't kick me out, but she didn't want me there any more. I spent a whole year crying almost every night. So, I made the decision to come home to Tasmania. Thirteen months since I left, I brought myself home.
I landed a teaching job straight away, started studying child and adolescent mental health and lived with my parents for seven weeks. Now, I have been out in my own home for about a week and a half and a couple of days ago, I was hit with an anxiety attack that caused my thoughts to spiral to worst case scenario. The problem was that I had started to relax and feel safe and with that came the fear of losing it. I was spiralling about something that could happen 8 months down the track - my teaching contract is only for this year, so I could lose my job and not be able to pay rent which means losing my house.
I reached out to a friend who helped me come out of my brain and into my body. I learnt a new breath technique and a plan should my anxiety come to visit again.
I am really self aware and that is both a blessing and a curse because I see and understand how anxiety and CPTSD impact on me and on my life. I am connected to my body. I understand energetics and frequency. I have strategies that I can use. I have had Reiki treatments and I read and listen to multiple podcasts about anxiety and mental health. But I'm tired. I'm tired and frustrated that my anxiety and mental health issues can have such a huge impact on my life - even when things are going well and life is good. I would love to be able to enjoy the good things in my life without the fear of losing it all kicking in.
So, this week, I feel the nudge to finally look at doing some therapy. But I'm hesitant because I'm incredibly slow to trust and I clam up when around strangers and out of my comfort zone. I'm also not comfortable talking about my childhood and my experiences. Therapy also unaffordable for me at the moment. I'm meeting a friend for coffee next week and she is going to pass on the number of a free telephone service (she said you get 30 minutes a week free counselling) and I joined here. For me, it's somewhere to start.
