Din1Contributor
Medical rejection
I’m feeling like I wanna give up on everything bc what’s the point of trying to seek help if people like psychiatrists and psychologists deem you too hard of a patient as soon as they read past and current history of SH, ideation and attempts. Like that patient obvs reached out bc they need to get out of whether their heads at and need someone to help trial meds.
I have a psychologist, she’s in a GP practice so my surroundings are not mentally comfortable and I can’t concentrate desire her being nice and finally not turning me away.
I’ve been trying to find elsewhere that I would be more comfortable but as soon as mental care plan says anything like SH, ideation, attempts… why even be in the job if you’re gonna reject every difficult patient.
SH isn’t a choice, more times then not attempts are from triggers and episodes happen. It’s barely even consciously done and they as professionals don’t even know the mental torture after we we realise we ffffff up. It’s like my brain is dancing in triumph like ‘haha I won and you’re weak’ and then another side is punishing for being weak so the cycle continues over and over and physically can’t be stopped. But it really can’t be stopped bc seeking help is instantly ceased bc we’re deemed too difficult.
How is it even possible to get help if difficult patients is no one’s specialty.
Even confiding in my GP who is amazing but yet is terrifying in itself. Like if I say the wrong thing or I say something in my mind bc I’m fed up or give an honest answer then it’s a threat to be sectioned and hearing that just puts me in flight mode instantly.
My fkkkn brain is bursting with sht I can’t say aloud bc of consequences. Being born into this mental torture and being punished for saying what I feel is just abuse of power and even just existing in my own self destructive world in punishment. I just want help. I just want the proper care as would a regular depressed and anxious person would receive. Like why can’t anyone look beyond stitches, scars and number or hospital admissions. It doesn’t define who I am.
I understand the safety part and I get the regulations but it isn’t fair bc I deserve help just as much as anyone just with the added BPD. If only they truly understood torture
tossed around in my head and bc everything I’ve been through, having to learn to keep it in bc of medical punishment is mentally agonising.
I just want a psychiatrist that will want to focus on BPD and the other crazy diagnosis that I have on my list of crazy! All this better suited elsewhere shhhyyyytt from supposed top psychs just makes people like me feel so unhelpable and wanna quit everyone and everything and living too. I feel that’s what the medical professionals want. They want less of us to go around so they can just focus on the normal depression and anxiety and get paid so much per session with their easy patients.
Lately I’ve noticed that people like me are just a nuisance to health care in general and people can’t or don’t want to deal with us. The professionals act like we chose this life and we choose to do the bullst that we do.
Having no proper help is terrifying every single day and I’m tired of being scared and I’m tired of being tired.
I do have a psychiatrist but he said straight up DBT isn’t for me and recommended RODBT like wtf is that?!?! It’s so new there’s barely any research behind it.. and he doesn’t want to experiment with meds bc I’ve tried a few that didn’t work so basically in his head I’ve tried it all. He’s youngish and good looking but no brains behind his eyeballs. I took myself off the ones that were useless and cancelled future appointments. There’s so much more available and he doesn’t want to try so what’s the point. I’d rather suffer not having my ADHD meds bc it’s not like I’ll get the increase I need anyway. And his lack of communication to pharmacists like even I know was negligence telling them to stop the wrong meds we spoke about in person and he took notes too. But three painstaking weeks later to get ahold of him for that wrong communication is a joke. Same day calling to inform them was a lie in my measly 10minute very first OutPatient appointment… better keep my money and have no one bc it doesn’t matter how hard I try to find someone new, it’s just rejection after rejection and I’m fknnnnn tireeeeed and I’m really done. Like I’m fully done now 😓
I’m at that stage in my brain where time isn’t a thing despite holding down full time work, dates are surprising especially after realising daylight savings was almost a week ago and I had no clue. I’m running on autopilot bc I have no more energy left to give..
I’m sure this will get taken down. It doesn’t make sense but it makes sense to me. Don’t know why but whatever if it does. I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s in this position or feeling like this. It’s just a physical, mental and emotional battle against myself all day every day. But whatever at least I have my dogs with me rn. and if this here taken down I apologise for breaching nothing but you guys are in charge 🤷🏻♀️
