social problems

I too feel that i am often misunderstood and I feel invalidated. I have had one friend who criticised me so much that I chose to no longer be friends with her.

I find generally that people are not good listeners and are to quick to want to get their own point across.

As the previous post said, we need more mindful communication.

@Theggy Mate welcome to Forumland.

What do you love about these friends?

Two of my best Friends are in the same choir and we meet up for coffee weekly and sometimes lunch. We have music in common. But there are also differences in beliefs which i ignore. Neither are great communicators, one talks way too much and dominates every conversation and i have to say sometimes they drive me crazy. But they are still my friends. Living in the same retirement village together seems to somehow make it easier.

Yep, there can be a will to dominate by many people. I have endured a lot of it, from Bogan to over privileged rich people and usually submitted in such situations out of exhaustion. Also, I was came from very low status and was not conscious enough of how a need to keep relationships going, any crumbs, would also keep me trapped in unsatisfactory situations.

@Theggy

lately I am, not coming from so much NEED, I am harnessing my energy, for my jokes and my points of view. After a lifetime of being silenced, it feels weird but I am getting better relationships. I am using humour and tough banter, but being pretty ethical about it. Eg a so called lady at my church used to do the snub, automatic put down, etc., but my frustration brewed a well targeted joke, and she is learning to behave in the last few years.

now I realise that I had projected a quality of prey, which brought on the predators. Not sure what to say about your friendship group but to, move away, see if they reign in their habits and start giving you more respect. As you are already invested in them, of course it is hard to pull away. They probably won’t change their opinions but if they do care about you, they should start to see some of the damaging nature of their behaviour. Maybe find others who do like similar things, and draw a line about wanting their

I am going through something similar with a bogan woman I met in 1970. Balancing the pros and cons is tricky. Even a few years ago she would loudly proclaim things that she knew could be triggering for me and go on about party poopers, etc etc. I pushed back once with a sense of humour about her manners. Boy, talk about being offended. I now have an internal brick wall agin her. I am vaguely keeping things open. I taught her daughter for years etc. She now has cancer, but she gave me such a hard time, with jeering about disability…. I am seeing it as karma. Wow. This is the first time I am saying it out loud. She loaned me a dress for a school formal but how long do I have to be grateful? I have been kind to her but my patience is over and I will not be “sucking up to her “. Yes I can speak bogan as well as a smattering of other tongues.

how you negotiate it Theggy, only you can know the balance. Go from an inner sense of respect for you. Have a joke, roll with a punch… but only so long as there is some genuine goodwill.

love that you are in choirs @Salzburg

It is always a tricky balance between good days and bad days and pros and cons. Sometimes I back away a little. I guess as long as the good outweighs the bad. It can be a hard decision to know how much you should compromise in a friendship.