I'm a Newbie

Hi @FreakyFranky,

Welcome to the Forums and thanks so much for your post!

There’s no such thing as “whinging” here – this is a safe space to vent, let it out, and express what’s going on for you and how you’re feeling, even if it’s just fed up, stuck and frustrated!

It really sounds like you are dealing with so much at the moment, and have done for some time, which is a testament to just how capable and adaptable you must be! As to advice to feel human again, that’s a fantastic question, and probably one we’re all asking here on the Forums! Seems like you’re feeling a bit invisible at the moment, or as you said, just a maid/chauffeur/fixer of a never-ending list of problems. Part of me wonders whether just having meaningful human contact, feeling heard, validated, and part of community can put us back in touch with that sense. Life can get tough on our own after all, and sometimes we need others to keep us afloat. So we’re very glad you’ve found us and hope this can be a safe and supportive place for you!

Keep posting and we look forward to ‘seeing’ you around soon!

All the best,
supernova.

Thanks. You're exactly right, I really need to feel heard. It's something that's been missing from my life since I can remember. Hopefully all the lovely people here can help me to feel that finally. :

Thanks Charli.

I still keep practising the bits of CBT that were relevant and useful. Unfortunately, there were so many bits that were of no use in my situation. For example, mindreading, apparently much of what people get upset/anxious about is what we think others are saying or thinking of us, and we are not supposed to assume to know what others think. This didn't help, since I have so many people very willing to express their hatred of me in no uncertain terms. No mindreading involved when my mother said I was a "spoiled brat and I wish I'd never had you". No assumption needed when my father expressed so clearly his hatred of his "stupid, neurotic, bungling bloody female" daughter. Last year, when I tried to offer to re-mortgage my house to help my sister pay a lawyer for her custody battle, she was very vocal about what a "bullying c*&%" she thinks I am. I'd LOVE to be able to dismiss my feelings about myself as an attempt to mindread those who are "supposed" to love me!!!

Trying to work through the CBT, I came across several of these things that were difficult to dismiss as just the way my brain is trained to think and all that ended up happening with some stuff was that I got even more dispirited about my situation. Like, it's just not going to get any better for me, cos the things that are supposed to help don't apply! I couldn't convince myself that some of my thoughts were just of my making and therefore repairable, you know?

As I say, I do still use the stuff that was just me and my negative habits of thinking. And those bits have worked and do help. It's just the frustration and hopelessness of the other stuff that I can't fix and don't know how to go about it. And then new stuff shows up to throw a bunch of new spanners in the works.

Like, a few weeks ago, my ex came to pick up our son for his visit. Now, it's been over 4 years since I left him, more than 4 years since he put his fist in my face while he was holding my toddler, screaming at me that he was gonna smash me. More than 4 years since he broke my finger trying to get the keys out of the ignition to stop me leaving. And since we divorced we've been polite and it's been reasonably calm and I thought I was fine and over it all. But this day in January, for some reason he decided to be (or pretend to be) friendly, and put his arm out to give me a hug and say Happy New Year. Cognitive brain shut down, instinct took over and I had run 10 metres before I even knew what I was doing. I tried to laugh it off with him, so as not to upset our boy. But after they left, I cried and cried for a couple of hours, couldn't stop. And I don't know why!

Great! I'm flippin' broken more than I thought I was, what the heck do I do about this stupid girly panic thing now!!??? Should I prepare for more flights from friendly hugs?! Should I wear sneakers to go get groceries in case somebody viciously says hello at me? Should I begin endurance training to prepare for the day when I need to run from a waving neighbour???!!!! For crying out loud, I'm a friggin nutcase! How do I CBT this kinda thing when there was no thought involved and my stupid body took over without any prior consultation from my usually calm and logical mind??! Confuses the hell outta me!

Hi @FreakyFrankie,

It sounds like you have been through so much pain and trauma. I have been through quite a bit in my life, too.

The thing with CBT is that you can use it for the awful situations you describe. Your parents being so insulting and saying terrible things to you - that's verbal abuse. You have to call it out for what it is.

You are not a spoiled brat or stupid and neurotic. A spoiled brat would not offer to put her own house up for mortgage to help her sister. That is something that would be done by someone who is extremely kind and caring.

You left an abusive husband- that is brave! So brave, @FreakyFrankie.

You are brave and kind. But unfortunately the people you have around you are not supportive. Their insulting descriptions of you are just not true.

But of course - the things people say to us effect our self esteem and low self esteems clouds our thinking. While you are still subject to the verbal abuse of your family, it's going to be hard to see yourself as the amazing person that you truly are.

I really believe you could be helped by a professional therapist. I hope you can find someone good.

Running away from your ex-husband when he tried to touch you was a reflex action that served you very well. He is not a safe person- and your subconscious mind knows this better than you do! Your instincts to run are there for a reason- to keep you safe. You have been traumatised by violence and that is not something you are just going to forget.

@FreakyFrankie, I will cross the road to avoid someone who was once rude to me.... I will pretend to have no reception on my phone in order not to talk to someone I don't feel like speaking to. And these are only people who have inconvenienced me! Imagine if someone had actually hit me in the face? I would probably move to another country to get away from them!!

Hi @FreakyFrankie,

We've already "met" on my other thread, but I thought I'd say hi to you here on your very own thread I don't know if this will be any use to you at all, but one of the things I have found most useful over the years is that I purchased the treatment manual and skills training manual for Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) and read through it by myself. I have BPD and it is well recognised that CBT is not particularly helpful for people with BPD (hence why for decades people with BPD were regarded as untreatable and why DBT was developed). I find the idea of sitting with big feelings (a concept that is taught in DBT) much more useful to my situation than the idea of constantly trying to identify and challenge the negative thinking patterns that drive them. DBT (and some other therapies such as ACT) are known as third-wave behaviour therapies. The first wave was strict behaviourism and the second wave was CBT. The third wave therapies build on CBT by incorporating the idea of mindfulness - part of which is sitting with big feelings. So...that's what I've found helpful, but of course everybody is different and all that I've said may sound like total rubbish to you...and that's ok I'm sure I'll see you around the forums.