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Convincing a friend to set boundaries with BPD father

stimpyhgCasual Contributor27 Feb 2025, 1:28 am AEDT

Convincing a friend to set boundaries with BPD father

Hi all,

This is my first post on the forum. My story could be quite long but I want to keep it short for now and may expand on details as time goes. So here's the short story:

A friend of mine (20s year old female) lives with her family, including father (In 60s with uBPD), mother (50s) and her sister (30s). They all work and live together in a family business. The father has had a terrible life, filled with sudden and painful death of close ones, his first two daughters abandoning him remaining unseen for decades to this day and many other unfortunate events. However he is abusive to both girls and the mother, verbally, emotionally and financially abusive too. It's everything you'd expect from a uBPD father. I've seen it from the inside and outside...it's a perfectly set up trap they are all in.

So my question or challenge is this...I'm only in contact with my friend in her 20s. Having met me recently a few years or so ago she is aware that her family situation is not normal and she is able to imagine a much better independent life and healthier family relationships. I'm having trouble getting her to seek help, she seems to be in two minds. My current plan is to continue educating myself and then perhaps passing on or teaching her about BPD. I'm seeking advice from anyone who has had personal experience or knowledge on what is a good course of action. She has some pressing health problems and can sometimes neglect caring for herself. Mentally and emotionally she hides her pain very well. In my view, the only way forward is to convince her to start learning and setting boundaries, but I think she can't do it alone and that she will have to convince her sister as well to team up because alone I don't think she is strong enough...I believe the girls will have a lot of work to do but I think the first step is getting them to believe in themselves...

Thanks you in advance for helping or simply reading this post.

3 replies

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In response to: Convincing a friend to set boundaries with BPD father

FrameNew Contributor27 Feb 2025, 9:00 am AEDT

Re: Convincing a friend to set boundaries with BPD father

I don't have any advice, just wanted to say good on you for wanting to help your friend out. Don't give up on her, she needs someone like you in her life x

In response to: Convincing a friend to set boundaries with BPD father

Ru-beeModerator27 Feb 2025, 10:31 am AEDT

Re: Convincing a friend to set boundaries with BPD father

Hello and welcome to you both @stimpyhg @Frame

It's lovely that you have so much demonstrated care for this friend and her sister. Sometimes the best thing that you can do for people in a hard situation is to simply be there for them, and to let them know that you are there when or if they feel ready to seek help. Sometimes even just by maintaining friendships like this we can model what a different life can look like, leading them to reflect more on their own.

Gradually sharing information that you learn can be helpful too, and if there is a chance you can always encourage her to reach out to services such as 1800Respect

It sounds like she is lucky to have a friend like you looking out for her

In response to: Convincing a friend to set boundaries with BPD father

DeterminedSenior Contributor15 Mar 2025, 5:08 pm AEDT

Re: Convincing a friend to set boundaries with BPD father

@stimpyhg

From the perspective of someone supporting a wife with BPD

Gentle approach and a listening ear.

Disclaimer that personality plays a big part in this.

But every time someone gave me even sound advice on how to respond to things I dug in my heals. I had to learn about boundaries the hard way.

The light actually came on for me with a slightly different approach from a counselor while my wife was an inpatient in a mental health ward.

Once I was in a space that was more receptive she handed me a page outlining the cycle of domestic violence and asked me to prove it wrong in my relationship.

Queue the sobbing and tears.

She also pointed out boundaries were not rules to be enforced but guidelines around what I could and would not accept.

Different approach saw some success.

Also for our circumstance it made the difference that I could put some things in writing and discuss in a safe space and bail when the inevitable meltdown happened knowing my wife was safe having given her assigned nurse or warning and a copy of what we would be discussing.

All that aside. Advice was not always received well by me. Listening and validation slowly moved me to a space where I could hear and act on advice.

Having also supported a parent with emotional disregulation and fear of abandoned, I understand what family loyalty is and how making a break or refusing to accept things are not right is hard.

Supporting someone like this (for me) also instilled a deep sense of fear of abandonment. -if I don't accept this, they won't like me anymore-

Family loyalty can be intense in this environment. Makes it hard to break free from unhealthy relationships or set healthy boundaries. It seems that in the case you are describing fear of abandonment may be a contributing factor. Just an observation through the lense of personal experience,

not a professional or clinically validated observation.

And to be clear there is no doubt around my parents love for me. They have made and continue to make many sacrifices for me and my siblings. Just in times of trauma and under duress interpersonal skills were less than optimal.

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