usagidonContributor
sister has cut off ties with mother
Hi all
My previous post was an insight into my sister always playing the victim and portraying our mother as the “villain.” I’m well-versed in trying to put up boundaries but as I said then I’m pretty tired since she’s been at this for years.
I was pregnant in that post but now I have a newborn (and a toddler). This morning (after spiralling downwards for a few days) my sister has decided to cut off our mother (not realising that the proper solution was probably seeking therapy, but when suggested I get responses like “why do I have to go to therapy if she doesn’t” which doesn’t inspire any hope).
For context she’s also estranged from her in laws, so my nieces will now not know both sets of grandparents. She and husband don’t really hang out with anyone but themselves and I’m the only person she vents to. She has no long term or close friendships, essentially has a trail of broken relationships - every job she had before being a stay at home mum she would quit because X “hates” her. I do firmly believe my sister has BPD which I think she got from our mother and because of that, is also (similarly) emotionally immature. I’ve tried to help her by giving her access to my work’s EAP and being a listening ear when I can but I have to put up boundaries because it’s the same old complaint recycled every time (it’s always about our mother and how she’s been wronged), and I feel like she gets mad when she doesn’t get the response that she wants from me (which is to take her side in the drama triangle).
Moving forward I’m looking for stories and advice on how to navigate having a relationship with someone who has cut off another family member but young children are involved. How to convey to my son that his aunt isn’t at a family gathering when he looks for his cousins for example?
I feel very sad for my nieces (my sister’s daughter’s) that they’ve been dragged into this - I know they have because she told me her eldest who is 8 has asked her before if “grandma was being mean to her again” which appalled me. I know her response would not have been “what happens between your grandma and me is for us to handle, we both love you” because I know my sister would want her kids to side with her, in all likelihood she’s projecting her feelings of being unloved by our mother on to them (reinforcing that their grandma doesn’t love them because that’s how she feels, when feelings are not facts). I believe my sister feels like she’s breaking toxic cycles here but she’s actually perpetuating them. We both grew up people pleasers because we became child-confidants of our parents (especially our mother). I however have taken the responsibility of healing, my sister has allowed her anger and resentment to fester for years.
When she came to this decision (today) I also got messages along the lines of “good luck with the rest of your life with her (our mother)” and I know this kind of guilt tripping will continue since I’m choosing to have her in my life. Thoughts and advice on how to respond to this as well, I’d really appreciate some wording. I know it will also be about putting down strict boundaries, she cut her off, not me.
I will note that this is not the first time she’s threatened to or actually cut us off, she’s also the the type to ‘unfriend’ us on social media and cancel events when angered. I am more worried this time though because we both have children now.
thanks for reading this far and I welcome all input/responses.
