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How to ride out a contact break

GalaxyOwlSenior Contributor06 Feb 2025, 11:27 pm AEDT

How to ride out a contact break

Hi everyone.

The ongoing saga continues...

I decided today that the most kind and compassionate thing I can do for both myself and my partner is give them space.

We have been actively in conflict for 2 weeks straight, and I can no longer avoid making mistakes or crossing their boundaries and triggering them. The moment I feel insecure, I take the bait. The moment I feel like my needs aren't being taken into account, I talk over them.

We can't keep doing this, it's not working. I'm exhausted, haven't been eating or sleeping well, have been really struggling with my own mental health in general.

I reached out to them today, while they were in the company of a friend to make sure they had support, and told them i'd need to take a break. I said we can discuss the terms together so that we're both involved. (they have really bad trauma about being forced NC by an abusive ex)

We agreed that it'll be a week of no contact, except for emergencies. And to help them feel secure I've agreed to pebble them with memes and tumblr posts to show that I'm still thinking of them, and I'm not stonewalling them.

I am now faced with not speaking to the person I've spoken to every day, about everything, for the last several years of my life. We have been friends for 5 years, we were close friends for a long time before we started dating last year. This is legitimately going to be devastatingly hard for both of us.

How do I cope with this?

If I decide it's too much, am I conceding by ending it early?

What should I do if I can't handle it?

The purpose of this is for me to rest. Because I haven't been able to rest and recover from the constant exposure to conflict and trauma and emotional intensity. I'm not doing ok, I need to get better so I can help them.

What if I can't and I have to go back? What do we do then?

Sorry about the panicked question, I'm just, really genuinely unsure of how to do this in a way that is healthy and fair to both of us.

2 replies

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In response to: How to ride out a contact break

KateMateNew Contributor07 Feb 2025, 3:35 am AEDT

Re: How to ride out a contact break

I wish I could offer some advice to you but reading your post I can completely relate to what you're feeling and what you're worries are. My circumstances are very similar but the main difference is that even after so much fighting between my partner and I, none of which gets resolved, I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who wants to remain together genuinely because he's not even trying or giving me the time of day to talk to him about it. Instead of even taking a break which we both need and which I definitely need for myself, I get to panicky to even try to go and stay a night away.

I think you are doing the right thing and you should be proud of yourself for even taking that step. I think it's probably the hardest one. Maybe try not to overthink about what might go wrong for you while you're away in terms of panicking and just have faith that you are making a good decision to get some change for the better for both of you. I think if you have support from anyone that will help and also if you can keep busy. The good thing is that you are both agreeing to it and it's on good terms for the right reasons so you are already doing better than you're giving yourself credit for and I think you are more than capable if you can just remind yourself that. I wish you all the best. You inspire me to try a little harder for myself. 🙏

In response to: How to ride out a contact break

GalaxyOwlSenior Contributor11 Feb 2025, 2:47 am AEDT

Re: How to ride out a contact break

Day 4 was hard.

It started out OK, actually. And then something happened that made me feel emotionally unsafe and all I wanted to do was call them and talk about it.

I just wanted them to tell me it was ok.

I miss them so much it hurts. I've been still doing my DBT, I've still been reading the books I've been reading.

Knowing there's still 3 more sleeps is agony.

I'm still so anxious about what's going to happen when we reconnect.

I'm anxious I'll mess it up because I want things to be ok so badly. I'm scared of overwhelming them and making it harder.

I keep thinking "I just wan things to go back to the way they were", but they won't. Things have changed and even once they are out of this relapse, things can't be the same, and im mourning that.

I'm trying to make space for whatever new things we create, but i can still see the loss.

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