distressing living with middle aged son with anger problems

Hello @solace

Welcome to the forums, thank you for sharing your story. That sounds like an incredibly tough situation that you are in and I am sorry to hear that you are struggling at the moment, you sound completely burnt out from looking after your son and that he is blaming you for the way he is, that is really projecting his mental health at the moment, he is not well it seems.

It can be extremely frustrating getting someone to get help when they are in denial by having excuses and blame on everyone else. The most that you can do is focus on his feelings and reflecting that so he has the insight to know that he not coping and there is only so much support that you can offer him, and if thats not helping then he needs outside help from someone who is specialises in mental health.

The thing that really stood out for me is that you need help in coping with all of this and you are not able to talk to anyone it seems. Is the Psychologist you are seeing today for yourself? Because that will be really helpful for you to talk through some coping strategies and find some ways of improving the help seeking process for him so the pressure is not on you.

Please keep sharing on the forums as that will also be further support for yourself at the moment 🙂

Lunar

Hi @solace I can only reply briefly, well it looks like no one else has..

Perhaps he could get some one off help to get his own place? It doesnt have to be from you, but it he is living with a parent(s) at his age, well he is probably quite comfortable where he is.

Has he ever lived anywhere else? Has he ever had paid employment?

It seems he is a having a moment of 'disquiet' while taking no responsibility for his own action, or inaction

Are drugs/alcohol/mental health a factor in his life?

It seems he has given up , or only just realised that he gave up ages ago and has only just realised that it no longer works for him

That's terrrible re having to sleep in your car

For what its worth I'm male, 10 years his senior, and yeah didnt see my life going where it has, and did do the little boy lost thing and went home through a complete lack of imagination at age 20 after having left 3 years earlier, that was a bit uncomfortable for all after a while, and I probably needed some pushing to get me to leave after a while .. it is what it is. I mostly work. I am often ok with life and myself, possibly not so much at the moment tho

Perhaps you will get some answers from the psych today.

its not helping him being there or you by the sounds of it.

When will his 'growing up' happen? it has to start somewhere or it never will

with change he actually might find more interest in life, feel better about himself, and I doubt that it would be instant, but it sounds like it has to happen and sooner that later

thank you TAB, I did see a psychologist today who was excellent. I had not thought before that this all stems from him not having grown up. The past is safer. I am having a melt down, no doubt, as he has never before made me the main problem. Thanks for comments, helps me very much to understand.

Hello @solace

I witnessed a similar dynamic with my brother and mother and it was very difficult and did not resolve well.

Because of that I have always been about enabling ... growing up ... in my kids ...

but I have also over compensated ... and still have difficulty claiming my right to feel settled and do as I need .. let alone .. what I like in my home.

keep posting and maybe finding a way to enable him to leave home properly will give you your space back .. it may only be when he functions away from you that he can realise and appreciate the huge amount of support you have given him. There may be ways to do that .. apart from "throwing him out" ... which mught fuel his current self pity role.

Take good care of you .. there is an unfortunate theme .. of parents hiding out in cars .. on this forum .. I have done it too.