Jealousy and insecurity

@romanempress

While not advice as such, i grew up with very bad insecurity and trust issues. Stemming from i what i recently discovered to be attachment issues, most likely from before i was even born.

These issues can be so difficult for anyone to overcome, especially if the develop so young. Im not sure if this is the case with you, but it seems very common that these issues develop in childhood.

I sort of look at it now as learning your native language when you're very young. That becomes the language you feel the most comfotable with and how you think. With time and effort, you can learn another language but that first language will always be there. I see it like this for the types of issues. We can learn to think another way, but those issues will probably always be there. The trick is to learn a new way of thinking and become less and less reliant on the old way. Acknowledging this can help to know why we think certain ways, but also know why we do. Then slowly learn to reject those thoughts more easily.

Thank you @MJG017

I agree, it does stem from childhood.

My partner says I change my mind a lot from being happy with him and then not.

It's hard to hear but I know its true

@romanempress

My partner has never given me reason to not trust her completely, but it's still a big issue I have. I know that it does affect our relationship and feeds into her own insecurities. So we've both found it helpful to talk about it. About my past and why I have these trust issues and that it's nothing to do with her, but life long issues I have with everyone. I've told her about how I've found insecure attachment styles explains so much about why I am the way I am and that has helped her to understand a lot. It helps that she has her own similar issues, not as severe as mine, but enough to have a good understanding.

The past couple of years have brought a serious health issue and because of that I struggle a lot with it and can get quite frustrated and snappy at times. From talking about the trust issues with each other, we were also able to talk about my frustration at life in general and how it had nothing to do with anything she was doing or not doing, but just my way of trying to navigate a difficult situation. It's been very helpful for us to talk about these things so that we both know the best ways to support each other and how much of it is nothing to do with the other person. It also takes a lot of pressure off of both of us to feel more comfortable in not having to pretend so much that these issues don't exist and trying to hide them and/or always feeling the need to apologise for them.

My partner has hidden information about two of his female friends (one is an ex) having crushes on him. He didn't tell me because he'd avoidant but it's also dishonest. I've given him the benefit of the doubt and forgiven this breach of trust.

It nags at me but I'm working on letting go and moving on. I don't believe he has cheated, it's more of an omission

I'm struggling with trust issues, and I can't tell if it's my emotional regulation or actual dishonesty

hey there @romanempress trusting people isn't easy, and i can see from your previous post that there were times that you felt your partner was being distrustful.

it's hard to tell if it's an intuition/gut feeling thing or is it me overthinking?

the thing i learnt about trust is - you don't have to trust the person, you need to trust that YOU can get through any obstacles/challenges that come your way from the relationship. we have little to no control over what other people say/do, but you do have control over what you do. i can see how the omission of info in the past can make you feel worried about what else he could be hiding -

is there something in particular you feel he's lying about? have you had a chance to discuss it with him, and did you feel like he answered your questions/reassured you?

Thank you @rav3n

This is very good advice. And you're right, I don't trust myself easily, so it's something to work on.

Yes we have very open communication and have discussed the situation many times. I don't have anything to convince me it's happening again except fear.

I can always tell him it's bothering me and he reassures me . But I feel like I should be able to get over it by now

that's really great to hear that you both are able to have open conversations about these things @romanempress things like trust can be so quick to damage and take months/years to repair.

it's okay to have fears. one of the ways that helped me was gently reframing my thoughts regularly - for example, if the thought 'he's talking to a girl' popped up, i'd remind myself that thoughts aren't facts and reframe it as 'i'm feeling worried right now. these are just thoughts that pop up when i'm anxious, they will pass' and then i try to focus my energy on an activity that makes me feel good (whether its watching my favourite movie, going for a walk, eating my favourite food, etc). our brains are often wired to think "what if *the worst thing* happens?" and rewiring that to "what if *good things* are going to happen?" takes some time and practice. for me, consistent self-talk that challenges those negative thoughts was really helpful, but most importantly, being kind to our mind. it's not your fault, and it doesn't make you a bad person to have those thoughts. they will pass 💜

This is very generous of you to share and very good advice. Thank you

I'm quite critical of myself even while trying to be more compassionate to myself. Which is frustrating