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My name is Reacher

ReacherCasual Contributor02 Feb 2017, 4:04 pm AEDT

My name is Reacher

I am new here. I need guidence, I have a son who has a personality disorder and it seems to bet getting worse. He has attended various clinics but does not seem to get any help.

I have just found out that he has gone back to drinking and smoking and becoming more angry with himself.

I feel the anger comes from the fact that he is drinking. I have read that I should not talk down to him and i respect that but if I say that I cannot give him any more money then I am told that I am not listening to him.

It seems that because I did have money and used it to try and get him settled he seems to think that I am being selfish if I do not give him more.

i know that possibly I should have used tough love about the money but mistakenly I thought it would help.

Can anyone give a clue as to what to do. ?

5 replies

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In response to: My name is Reacher

utopiaSenior Contributor02 Feb 2017, 7:25 pm AEDT

Re: My name is Reacher

@Reacher. This sounds like a really tough place to be. As such - I hope you are looking after yourself first. We can't help anyone if we get depleted of energy. So make sure your health comes first. Then you can help your son - in whatever way he lets you.
I think regardless of whether someone has a mental illness - MI - or not - you need to talk honestly with them about finances & the fact that 'your' money is to be spent the way you see fit. And that (if this is what you mean) - that you will not be supplying him with money - just so he can spend it on drinks or smokes.
It's not easy to do. Expect lots of arguing.
Does your son live with you? Is he receiving a Centrelink benefit? Or is he working?
If your son isn't living at home - tell him you will provide him with some meals during the week - if this is something you are willing to do. But that you won't give him any cash. It is tough love and it's hard. But MI or not - he needs to be responsible for his own budget.
Help him in other ways. When he finally chooses to get the help he needs - he will thank you for your help.

In response to: Re: My name is Reacher

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor02 Feb 2017, 8:49 pm AEDT

Re: My name is Reacher

@Reacher .... through our circumstances I have learned that there are Stages of Change that people progress through while they come to terms with a problem like this ..... and Stage One is called Precontemplarion. It is characterised by denial and hostility. It lasts quite a long time, unfortunately, but when he starts to surface into Stage 2 he will be beginning to become aware that he has a problem, and might need help ....

What can you do in the meantime ?

As @utopia has said, priority no.1 needs to be you, or there will be two of you in crisis instead of one.

Part of looking after you is setting boundaries about what you can and can't do, and what you are prepared to accept or not.

Try to treat him politely and respectfully, no matter what his responses are, but keep your heart well clear for the moment if you can .... he is not in a state to be gentle with it.

Pit is possible to interact with him objectively if you can separate the boy from the illness .... recognise he is still in there somewhere, but deal matter-of-factory with the illness itself, offering meals or whatever base support you feel able to to help support him through this stage.

And keep posting here .... we will walk with you helping to support you .....

🌷💜

In response to: Re: My name is Reacher

ReacherCasual Contributor03 Feb 2017, 6:11 pm AEDT

Re: My name is Reacher

Thank you for all of your thoughts. I did have a talk with my Dr this morning which did help.

Then my son came to me and said that I was right about the money and he would start to give me the money for the rent &ct.

I do not know how long it will last but at least things are a little calmer today, I stated very quitely what I expected and he has said that he will respect me in that matter.

He will be seeing his job provider on Monday and I will hope that he get something solid from it. I am glad that I looked on line for help but had not realised just how much there was, so again I thank you for "being there" for me and giving me the encourage that I needed, just knowing is very good. So thanks again Reacher.

In response to: My name is Reacher

utopiaSenior Contributor03 Feb 2017, 6:46 pm AEDT

Re: My name is Reacher

@Reacher. Anytime you have a question or just want a chat. We are here.
I'm glad your chat went so well.

In response to: Re: My name is Reacher

AppleblossomSenior Contributor03 Feb 2017, 6:59 pm AEDT

Re: My name is Reacher

Hi @Reacher

I'm glad your son is taking steps to better his self esteem.

Self responsibility is a huge part of that rather than just saying nice things to people.

I have often cared for people with problems with MH issues and that is a first basic step towards good health,

We often post on the Hot Chocolate thread to destress

Take care

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