Emotionally drained

Hi Kam, welcome to the Forum I am glad you found us. I too am new to the Forum. It sounds like you are going through a pretty rough time and it must be very frustrating when its so hard to help someone you love. I am sure you will find this forum full of great support so take some time to have a look at the other posts as I am sure you will find some encouragement from other carers stories.

Hi @Kam

Your situation sounds very difficult, but from the sounds of it, you're doing a great job and trying to get the best for your daughter. It must be very draining for you.

Just a few questions for clarification -

what type of doctor is your daughter going to (psychologist? psychiatrist?).

Do you feel your daughter understands or has insight into what's going on for her?

Does she agree with the treatment and comply (eg: take any medication etc)?

Do you attend her sessions with the Dr?

Sorry, hopefully I haven't thrown too many questions at you! Sometimes some additional information helps us make more informed suggestions.

I believe that @Sophie44 , @Alice70 & @Maroona , are all caring for children around the same age as yours. Does anyone have any advice or experienced similar things to Kam?

Hi @Kam

I'm terribly sorry to read what you're going through. It must be heart breaking.

What I read as promising is that your daughter is accpeting treatment, though I can understand that it's frustrating for you, when you feel there's more than can be done - with her Dr listening to you and also her approach to getting well.

I have heard of some psychologists running family sessions. So it's not just a session to focus on the person who is unwell, but more focusing on the family as a whole. Do you think your daughter's psychologist would be open to this? I have seen this as beneficial for some people with mental health difficulties because it's seen as a team effort to help the person get well - rather than just the responsibility of the person who is unwell.

Another option could be to have your own session with the same psychologist. It's really important for people who care for a loved one to have support and maintain their own wellbeing too. It may also give you new insights into your daughters diagnosis. It may not even have to be the same psychologist.

The hardest part of a loved one having a mental illness is accepting that our loved one's life may not be how we had thought it would be. You mentioned your daughter was a top A student, so it must be really hard to see your daughter almost on the opposite path. And we all need to grieve that perhaps the life we thought our loved one was going to have, isn't going to be.

That doesn't mean you lose hope or give up. It's about reconfiguring expectations and supporting our loved ones to be the best they can.

This grieving process and readjustment is really tough. This is a great document produced by Carers Victoria, which contains a bit about grief and also the carers journey.

I strongly suggest you get in contact with some carer specific organisations to help you through this. Some include:

Mind Australia

ARAFMI (google for your state based ARAFMI)

Partners in Recovery

Carers Australia

Also, this forum is great to use on a regular basis. It's like an online support group - it's fantastic.

All the best.

Re coping with doctors who only listen to your daughter: choose a good day, if possible, and arrange to visit a solicitor to instigate enduring guardianship (power of attorney is useful too). Perhaps explain to your daughter that it will help you to do the best for her and do things for her when whe doesn't feel up to it. With enduring guardianship you have the legal right to take part in and make decisions about your daughter's treatment. Even without that, it's a good idea to check beforehand with any doctor she is about to see whether they are prepared to include you in the process. If not, keep looking until you find someone who will. I am a retired nurse and even I have found exactly the same problem. I find it extraordinary that a so-called expert expects to get a true and clear picture from someone who themselves doesn't know or understand what is happening to them, and in about half an hour at that. I wish you all the best.

Great tips @portia - thank you so much for your response

@Kam How are you travelling?

Hope all is well.

Like you, I absolutely feel like I have nothing left to give. My whole life seems to be have been out on hold for several years now, with all my time , money and energy being directed towards helping my daughter (now 17) get better, The problem now is she doesn't seem to want to and at times it's almost as if she enjoys the notoriety of having a mental illness and uses it constantly as an excuse for her poor behaviour and choices.

She does not attend school, she doesn't work and our home as become a drop in centre for all her 'friends'who seem to have as many problems as she does and show no respect or thought for anyone else living in the house.

I have attempted to set boundaries but they are ignored and when challenged, the I just want to end it all card is played and naturally as a Mum, i'm never sure if she really means it or not. I feel like my emotions are being played with, and it is a tough realisation to acknowledge that your daughter is not the who you think she is or want her to be.

Sorry I'm not really giving advice, but perhaps knowing other people are living the same hell will help you find the strength to carry on.

Hi @Kam and welcome to the forum.

I have been there done that with the whole Doctor situation. In my case it's my sibling who has the MI - different to what your daughter has. I found that due to the whole "privacy" thing, doctors only discuss certain things with the patient. If your daughter ever lets you tag along to a session then do go. It's always interesting to see how the doctor/counsellor/psychologist/psychiatrist handles the meeting. You will get a good idea if they are any good too. You can normally tell a good therapist from a bad one. You might even get to ask about a treatment plan.

At the time when things were really out of control for me at home, myself and my parents went along to a few sessions run by ARAFEMI. They were group sessions and it really helped to hear what the lecturer was saying about the illness and we all got to pitch in and ask loads of questions. I felt that was so important to have these things addressed. The people at ARAFEMI were just wonderful. Maybe there is something in your area you can go along to as well?

Starting some counselling for yourself is also a good idea. Forewarned is forearmed as they say. I think it will really help you to understand what's happening with your daughter and how to stay connected to her but also deal with the behavioural side of things. Knowing how to approach and discuss things with someone who has an MI can be incredibly beneficial. From my experience, it's just too hard to do it on your own.

It's more than draining !

You will become stressed, frustrated, sad and angry all at the same time.

You have to be 100% On top of her medication and phyc visits or she will deterate .Try and get a case worker for her.

Hellio @Kam and @Untethered

I came here now as I am at my wits end and I really don't know how much more I can take...

I was going to start a new message but found yours Kam and your response to it Untethered.

I am going through the same and today feel like I almost cannot continue the fight. My son was doing well and decided to go to his father's for 4 days. He came back last night and it seems that he has not been taking his meds, lots of black thoughts that he won't talk about and I feel like the small amount of hope I had has gone out the window. I am working from home to try to get him into a routine and even just out of bed however it is demoralising to say the least!!!! My work is leaning heavily on me at present to train in a different role so that I can dopprt their team whilst some people are on leave. I just want to throw the towel in. It's all too much!!!!!

I don't really have any advice for either of you but I feel that we are all in the same horrible leaky boat so that alone may make us feel better? Why oh why is it such a long road? Happy to have found you, happy to provide some insight if you need it. Hugs to both of you x