C73Contributor
Loneliness, PTSD & Suicidal Ideation
Hi, 2 weeks ago I had another phase of suicidal ideation. I'm not new to this, I've had attempts in the past, I've had 2 long psychosis episodes since 2020 with lots of hospital admissions. My psychosis/addiction even took me to prison.
I battle with PTSD symptoms now, struggle to work, very low stress tolerance, flashbacks, depression, anxiety, etc. Thankfully I have my sanity back and didn't get stuck permanently in a false reality. My diagnosis is drug induced Schizoaffective disorder & PTSD.
I used to be very involved in the community, socialised a lot, and helped my then wife to raise our kids. I was a great father. That was until my mental health took a rapid turn for the worst and I self medicated.
Life 2 years on from my last episode is vastly different. Completely isolated and lonely. All the people I thought were friends disappeared. So now I struggle with connections. I don't have much faith in people, especially in a society that still stigmatises mental illness. So what do I do? I isolate.
Over the years I've had help from professionals to focus on my interests and to help make connections in the community, but it triggers me and I battle with anxiety. I see people in the community I used to be friends with, they ignore me or I ignore them. I want nothing to do with them.
I don't have a sense of purpose in life anymore for myself other than my kids. I focus a lot on my kids when I struggle with suicidal ideation, but when I'm really struggling I feel my kids will be better off without me.
So, with social isolation/loneliness as well as living with mental illness, where does one fit into society again? My life for the past 5 years has been all about heavy mental illness stuff so I struggle with small talk. I've been abandoned by a lot of people due to my mental health, yet now that I'm level headed again how do I start the process of reintegration back into society, especially a small town community I was once a part of when half of me doesn't want to, given the past?
If anyone has been/is lonely or has ideas/experience with finding purpose again, I'm all ears. At the end of the day I want to be here for my kids, I want to be the best father I can for them.
