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not sure what to do

prideNew Contributor06 Jan 2015, 1:59 pm AEDT

not sure what to do

Hi all,

This is the first time I am getting my story out there as I am not sure how I can go about this.

My wife suffers from depression. We have no kids (my wife is in her mid 40's and I am in my early 50"s, no immediate family in australia and have disassociated with our small group of friends over the past few years. We have stopped socializing as my wife does not like to socialise and is very quick to criticise everybody around her. We do get along well, however, our conversations are very limited to what she wants to talk about.

My wife spends time by herself when I am off to work. She does do the house work, the cooking, laundry etc. Ocassionally she will go out shopping and even enjoy a cup of coffee and cake. In the past, she has had disagreements with the neighbours over the shared laundry facilities (of which she is very passionate) and also the cause of most of her distress. I try and keep her engaged in conversation when I get back from work, some days are better than others...

I am in a dilema as I do not know what to do - I have not spoken to my family overseas about this. I call them up when I am at work, so as not to upset my wife. These calls have also become very sparse, as they want me to go visit them (it has been about 6 years since I have seen them) and I cannot make anymore exuses. Her contact with her side of the family is also very limited and is generally initiated by me.The few friends that I have/had now no longer call nor stay in touch. I do try and keep healthy (physically and mentally). I walk for about 10 kms most days, and this generally helps me to think things through. Work takes up most of my days. On my 2 days off, a little bit of time goes in the weekly shopping with my wife, and then it gets difficult as I have to find ways to keep my self entertained for the rest of the time. Over the years I have taken up sudoku, I love to read and also catch up on my favourite tv programmes. I do miss having conversations and interacting with people.

I did think of counselling for myself, however, being of asian descent not something that I am comfortable with...

sorry for carrying on and thank you for taking the time to read my story

2 replies

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In response to: not sure what to do

BabooSenior Contributor06 Jan 2015, 5:53 pm AEDT

Re: not sure what to do

Hello @Pride,

Welcome to the forum- i hope that we can offer you some good support networks here and you find some relatable stories to read.

I believe that even when you care for a loved on in times of ill health you must have your own life aswell- and of course invite them to join you- even when you know they will not want to go. Do have your social networks- do keep in touch with your family.

I would hope your partner would be supportive of you being happy in your live aswell- i can imagine this would be hard for you- feeling like you have to hide your contact with your family.

I think counselling is a wonderful thing for every one- no matter what your back ground is- perhaps give it a try by phone first to see how you feel? "Life line" for example 13 11 14.

In response to: not sure what to do

BeHappySenior Contributor07 Jan 2015, 8:43 pm AEDT

Re: not sure what to do

Welcome Pride,

I got a sense of loneliness and isolation when I read your post. And I can see that it seems like you're stuch between a rock and hard place. You don't want to not care for your wife, but you don't want to loose ties with your family and friends.

Based on what you've written I'm not sure if your wife is open to you have some time to yourself so you can do things for your own well-being. In my relationship, my partner and I have our time together, and then our own time where we go off and do our own thing, be it catch up with friends, or just doing things we enjoy on our own. Remember, in a relationship there are problems that you share together, but not all the problems are yours. You wife's choice to not socialise doesn't not need to yours too. Of course, you can support her, but it's important to think about your own needs too.

I think the intimacy that you have with friends and family is important to maintain your health so nurturing relationships is important. Is it possible to meet somewhere in the middle with your wife?

BeHappy

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