Disappointed in myself

I am disappointed in myself tonight.

I have been forced to live with my mum because of a sudden physical disability and no access to community supports or assisted living till and if ndis comes through.

i love my mum and it was never her but her husband and his unkindness and poor behaviours that I knew would be a mental game here. I was right. All I see is the way he treat my mum and the emotional and mental coercion. I've gently said things to her over a long time that have just highlighted hey are you sure that's ok and is that normal to you.

anyway something happened in never thought would she made up her mind she talked about leaving and was doing practical things. Again on my personal and professional experience I know this is a roller coaster adventure. But somehow it escalated so quickly and just yesterday and this morning it felt so real, she was gonna leave him. All the emotional and physical signed were clear and were there and somehow I actually believed it. For a moment I let myself do something I haven't for awhile. I had hope, hope that maybe the safe home I've been waiting and hoping for might actually become real.

Well tonight she's told me he's really upset, let's not talk about the awful and horrible things he's said in the last few days. He's ready in his words to do better. I am guttered with myself. I don't want to say he won't because maybe he will but 12 years of history and his family before tell me it would be nothing short of a miracle. I want my mum to be happy and I know she has to make the choice for herself. I just got lost in a fantasy world for a second that felt so tangible and real and it left just as quick and it's my own doing.

Now I'm trying to figure out how I go back to self preservation, what does Elsa say, conceal, don't feel, don't let them know. Mum cannot alter her decision because of me, she needs to make her own. I just need to get over being mad at myself for doing what I said I wouldn't, getting causing in false hope.

all I want is to be safe and I've realised that if I don't get ndis there is no other options for me as I can't live independently. At 35 I can't go to a facility that takes 90% of my money to just survive. If I'm going to live I need to have some quality of life at this age and that's not it. I also know I can't live here long term if she stays with him. He might be able to repair them but the harm he has done to me after many efforts and extensions of myself to repair has been devastating and I can't put myself through it again. It's not just him. I've told myself moving forward that applies to all harms

I guess I just don't see the quality of existence and trying to not let my thoughts wander to preparations again for if I was to leave. I'm just exhausted at this race. Even my doctor said today it is truly so painful it's unbelievable what you've been through, I joked yeah a telenovela. But it's true.

anyway tonight I'm trying to mask my feelings for sleep, but my mind is just yelling at me for even putting myself in this predicament.