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BPD marriage

CrushedreedContributor26 Oct 2024, 1:31 pm AEDT

BPD marriage

Hi, I’m convinced my wife has undiagnosed BPD.

im getting guidance in therapy and a book “stop walking on egg shells”.

I am treated horribly. I enable this to keep a relationship with my kids. I have accepted my wife will not change (especially as I enable it, why would she?).

My wife has now attacked my weakest point- my relationship with my 2 young girls (4 & 6).

Maintaining my relationship with kids made it worth giving up control of all my income (180k), living only in the laundry to work 7 days, no holidays. Do all the laundry, and have limited access to the kitchen to prepare meals and shop groceries- on the condition that I cook expensive, extravagant meals 3x a day and clean for family.

now this exploitation is not worth it as setting boundaries caused my wife to counter and put a wedge between my kids and I.

I feel at a juncture-

1) leave the relationship, with full awareness that I may never see the kids again.

2) continue to endure the painful abuse for tiny bits of contact with my kids.

she is a master manipulator, so police, child protection, legal intervention, support from church community, have all been tried and all backfired on me. I’m completely isolated and disadvantaged (serves me right for enabling).

so that brings me here…. Anyone else experience this juncture? How did it go for you?

thx 🙏

1 reply

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In response to: BPD marriage

JlolSenior Contributor31 Oct 2024, 1:29 pm AEDT

Re: BPD marriage

Hi there,

I'm sorry this is happening to you. I was in a similar situation, though we weren't married and didn't have children.

You're not being exploited. You're being abused. This is domestic violence.

Here's what I would do:

Speak to a psychologist, preferably one that specialises in relationships. Explain the situation and what she does to you and how it makes you feel and the living arrangements it's forced you to be in. I don't know what state you're in but in some states being a victim of domestic violence will entitle you to a fairer share of your assets if/when you split up.
Tell friends and family. They need to know what's happening to back you up.
Speak to a domestic violence hot line. Seriously, its worth getting their help.
Formulate a plan to get out. This includes somewhere to stay, things to take, setting money aside etc. For me I even had a "bug out" backpack with clothes and other items in it ready to go. You can give yourself time to set this up.
Don't be discouraged if you fail to leave or come back. On average it takes 7 attempts to leave a domestic violence situation.
Limit communication with her as much as possible. As you said, she's a master manipulator. I used to tell people talking to my ex was like by hypnotised - you go into a conversation believing one things and leave utterly confused and doubting things. She was so good at using words to manipulate she should have been a lawyer. Keep any communication to texts and emails.

I don't see why a court wouldn't let you not see your kids. You're both their parents after all.

Trust me, it's worth getting out man. You don't deserve to be treated this way.

Good luck mate.

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