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It's hard realising how much trauma has affected you and impacts your relationships

JlolSenior Contributor22 Oct 2024, 10:56 am AEDT

It's hard realising how much trauma has affected you and impacts your relationships

Yesterday I was doing the dishes and accidentally broke a glass belonging to the girl I am currently dating. I freaked out and panicked. I tried to glue it back together but it looked terrible. I took time off work spending hours on Google trying to find an exact replacement, but I couldn't. I made a list of shops that might have a similar glass within my area and planned to skip work to go and search each one. Even added op-shops to that list. I was sweating and my heart was racing.

I decided to message the girl and just downright apologised saying I was trying hard to get a replacement one. She just laughed and said "It doesn't matter, those glasses were old and chipped anyway." The relief washed over me.

Looking back I realise how I've changed the way I react. In the emotionally abusive relationship I was previously in a broken glass would mean equate to a 4 or 5 hour long berating on how I could be so clumsy, and how I couldn't do anything right, and what would I do better next time so it didnt happen again, etc. A simple accident like a broken glass could mean and entire day ruined.

I still obviously have that fear trigger response. I was willing to call in sick at work, spend all day visiting homewares shops, and even considered buying an expensive look-alike glass set from Europe just to avoid the anger and accusations that I've been 'trained' into receiving.

It's made me wonder how much other parts of my life I am mis-interpreting or not understanding well enough. I really wish I could get help for this!

3 replies

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In response to: It's hard realising how much trauma has affected you and impacts your relationships

MJG017Senior Contributor22 Oct 2024, 12:21 pm AEDT

Re: It's hard realising how much trauma has affected you and impacts your relationships

Hi @Jlol

Those emotional reactions can be hard to get over. What has helped me is when I feel like I am having a strong emotional response like this, I take a moment and try to take a breath and let my 'thinking' brain get some control back from my 'emotional' brain.

The emotional brain will just react, especially based on past traumas. It can take a long, long time to develop that feeling of safety and trust in other people again, so we need to start to rewire the way we think. I think it's important for you to discuss your reaction with this girl you are dating, just so you can start to feel that trust and safety with her. It sounds like it is still early on in this relationship so I appreciate you may find it too early just yet to go into all of your past with her... that's fine.

So many of these emotional reactions from past traumas can affect our lives. Feelings of not being likable/lovable, and of being good enough, of being unworthy or too clumsy. These are all that emotional brain trying to protect us from past traumas. We need to start to let that thinking brain regain some control, so that if you break a glass, instead of going straight to "i'm in trouble, i'm going to get berated again... I need to do whatever I can to avoid that!", you can instead think "It's just a glass. It was an accident. I'll apologise and i;m sure everything will be fine. These things happen to everyone."

You may want to look at the 'Hand model of the brain" by Dr. Dan Siegel. It's helped me a lot to get my thinking brain back in control after pretty much a life time of being controlled by my emotional brain. As you've realised, it is just a fear response based on a past abusive relationship. It will take some time and effort for that trust to come back, which is the reason I said you may want to talk about this with her to let her know why it affects you the way it does and that you are trying really hard to change it. It will be a lot easier if she understands your triggers while you're still trying to get control back over them.

Good luck with it all Jlol, you do seem to have a good understanding of what is happening which is the first step, and the biggest one, to getting that control back from past trauma. It will just take some time, so don't be too hard on yourself.

In response to: It's hard realising how much trauma has affected you and impacts your relationships

Toast89Senior Contributor23 Oct 2024, 10:23 pm AEDT

Re: It's hard realising how much trauma has affected you and impacts your relationships

@Jlol
I totally understand. There is a way forward through this and I agree with @MJG017 says, it takes time, trust and a very good therapist (last ones optional, finances can be a problem). We do respond emotionally before rationally, its human nature.

I believe you will find your unicorn! Look into Root Cause therapy and embodied processing if you aren't have any luck with the standard CBT/DBT methods.
You are allowed to prefer a specific method and ask/shop around. Medicare still has the 10 free sessions if you have a medicare card.

Journaling, meditation and even a nice walk can help in the meantime.

You are here, you survived and now you can start taking the slow steps towards a more evolved you!

In response to: It's hard realising how much trauma has affected you and impacts your relationships

8ppleTreeSenior Contributor24 Oct 2024, 10:18 am AEDT

Re: It's hard realising how much trauma has affected you and impacts your relationships

Hi @Jlol

Firstly, sorry to hear that you went through such an awful experience and conditioning. There is a type of grief and disorientation that occurs when you realise that you might be safe again as you start to recognise your past reactions weren't balanced. I see this as progress, the body is starting to switch off from the fear and you're starting to heal in your new mindset and circumstances. I know it's not the best feeling realisation, but it's also a sort of victory for you.

As others mentioned, working with someone else to discuss your patterns and conditioning can be really helpful, along with working with the mind-body connection through grounding and nervous system calming techniques.

As someone who has had their own moments of similar realisation, I just wanted to send you some solidarity, but to also mention that it is a sign of progress and you can be proud of yourself.

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