Navigating CPTSD and Reactive Attachment Disorder with my boyfriend.

Hi @diekleinepilz

If I understand you correctly then it sounds like a similar issues with me. I met my current partner 11 years ago and I've always had trouble letting people get to close to me. So she is the only person in my life I've ever been reasonably close to. Even family and friends I had real issues connecting with on anything but a superficial level. I never talked to anyone about anything remotely personal or emotional.

My partner is also incredibly understanding and we do talk (on the occasions I do talk about these things) and she does know how hard it is for me and do understand but it is still frustrating that I really struggle to be more open with her. I got so frustrated a couple of months ago and did a bit of research and came across insecure attachment styles and even took a test. I said I had a severe level of disorganised attachment style. The other 2 were avoidant and anxious, with disorganised being a combination of the two. So i'm not sure how similar reactive attachment disorder is to these, I just had a quick look and it does sound very similar.

I wish I had an answer for you other than a really understanding helps a LOT! I had my first appointment with a counselor last week to try and look into this. I did have 10 mental heath care plan visits earlier this year and towards the end I asked her about these attachment styles after I first heard about them. She agreed that it describes a lot of my issues and then wished me well in finding help with it! So that's when I tried to find a counselor who could help. Fortunately this was free (the 10 MHCP visits were pricey enough with just the gap fees) through PASS (post adoption support services) here in Adelaide. And from our first meeting last week she confirmed that it was quite common in the case of adoptees and is definitely a thing she could help with.

So it's still very much a work in progress for me but i'm starting to understand that it's a combination of confidence and trust to make myself vulnerable with other people I need to work on. So I'm not sure if it feel the same for you. From my reading, it comes from not receiving enough emotional and nurturing needs from parents as a child growing up... which certainly is the case for me. Ive found just talking to people about it somewhere where I feel safe to do it, like here, has helped me a lot the past few months in learning to trust people more and open up to them, which in turn has helped me talk to my partner more.

Hi @diekleinepilz

Firstly, welcome to the forums, it can take a lot of courage to join and make your first post, so good on you for taking that step.

It sounds as though these symptoms are really having a negative impact on you and your relationship. It sounds like it's quite isolating, not being able to share within your relationship. It is lovely that your partner is understanding and reassuring, but I'm hearing how hard it is even with this.

I'm wondering if the therapists you've seen before were specialised in trauma? It can make a big difference being able to seek help from someone who operates in a trauma-informed way. I get that the cost is a barrier right now, but if you were curious about giving it another go there are free services that can offer you some more support if you'd like to check them out:

Blue Knot Foundation specialises in CPTSD support and has a support line (1300 657 380) as well as resources, and the SANE support line can also offer support and resources for those who have experienced trauma on 1800 187 263.

I'm sure some community members will be by soon enough to offer further support and guidance from their own lived experience as well. Welcome again to the community

@diekleinepilz @MJG017 @Ru-bee

@diekleinepilz , welcome to this wonderful and supportive forum.

My husband has CPTSD so I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. Firstly, you are self aware and know what the challenges are so that is awesome! As well as the support suggestions that @Ru-bee provided, there are lots of books on Attachment styles and also on trauma. Dr Lapera from the holistic psychologist (she is in instagram) has a lot of helpful information.

From the other's side prespective, don't underestimate the power of a hug. That can help your partner feel closer to you even if you are not ready to share too much at this time. Hugs are healing too and in time you will be comfortable (assuming you find showing affection challenging like my husband).

We are here for you. You are not alone.

Sending you hugs 🫂 and peace xx

Thank you @Healandlove for reminding us about the power of a hug. You are sooo right.

@tyme hugs can be so wonderful.

My husband is trying to get better at it.

My kids give the best hugs and so does our doggie Choocy 🐕

@Healandlove

My partner always complains when she wants a hug. It's just always felt awkward and uncomfortable to me. My mother used to complain about it as well when I was a kid, so maybe that made me very self-conscious about it.

I guess it's a bit of a work in progress for your husband and myself. Maybe one day we can learn to actually initiate one... unless your husband has beat me to that.

@MJG017 I understand. Practice makes perfect! Keep pushing through the discomfort. It will mean the world to your partner and you will get so much healing from it. Baby steps my friend 🧡

Thanks @Healandlove, I keep trying because I know she deserves better from me. Its a part of myself I dont really like and trying hard to improve. 50 years of being one way is hard to change.