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Is my husband mentally unwell?

MudcakeCasual Contributor19 Sept 2024, 2:09 pm AEST

Is my husband mentally unwell?

Hi all. I hope someone can you give me some advice. Although I have seen a counsellor, I have not had any actionable advice apart from ignore him or let him leave and see what happens overtime. My husband is Fijian and I am Australian. We are both in our 40s and in our second marriage together. My husband is very jealous and they are cultural differences with men and women respecting each other spouses by not interacting with them but my husband has never stopped to these customs as he knows he’s in Australia and we are more friendly. I am quite shy and reserved and not flirty or party type. That’s why he likes me. Before we were married, we had a very big fight because I messaged a man from my work regarding pay. My husband was very upset that I had thought about this man outside of work hours and he could not except that I would message the man , as he assumes it means I am thinking about him and desire him. After a very very big fight and almost breaking up it died down but he said if he ever saw anything like that again he would not stay. Fast forward two years later and one of his Fiji friends brought another Fiji and man to our home that we had never met. We were having a casual barbecue and my husband and I had started a new Business and the stranger and I was standing in the kitchen and on our way out to the backyard with the others . He asked me about the Business and I was explaining it to him and my husband has it in his mind that I desire this man was giving him looks that I should only give my husband. This is so far from the truth I’ve never had any thoughts of a desire for any other man, but he Just believes that he saw it and he cannot let it go and has been arguing with me about this for several weeks. He has told me the only way we can get past this is if I admit to having desiring thoughts of this man. I have told him I will never admit to that because it’s untrue and he is just insecure. He has been smoking an excessive amount of marijuana has been under pressure with work and his family in Fiji. He has repeatedly told me that we won’t get past this until I tell the truth and that he knows the truth. I don’t know how to navigate this and have told him I’m telling the truth and he is the one that is insecure and needs some kind of mental health help he has a past history of childhood abuse and undiagnosed PTSD from his job as a firefighter. He has seen a lot and been through a lot and has always told me he just wants to have a peaceful life with me and grow all together but now he is telling me he will not let this go until I tell him the truth. I don’t know what to do next but he has now moved out, so that he can have space. He does not really believe in getting mental health help because he has never had that kind of thing before and thinks it’s a waste of time and money to him.

6 replies

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In response to: Is my husband mentally unwell?

Ru-beeModerator19 Sept 2024, 2:40 pm AEST

Re: Is my husband mentally unwell?

Hi @Mudcake

This is such a difficult position to be in. It does sound as though you have quite a good insight into your husband's experiences and how these are influencing his current behaviour, but even with this insight I hear that you have been put in a bit of an impossible situation as you're not able to confess to something that is not true for you.

It's really hard when we can see that a loved one is being affected by things such as insecurity, and past traumas, but they are not able or not willing to acknowledge this. We can't force others to seek support, but I wonder if your husband may be more open to a different form of support than traditional counselling? Mensline offers support specifically for men and may be a more accessible way for him to talk to someone about what's going on.

You may also consider giving Relationships Australia a call for more specialised support and guidance. They can offer relationship support to individuals and couples.

I hope this is helpful, and I'm glad that you've been able to reach out here. Welcome to the forums community

In response to: Is my husband mentally unwell?

SkySeeker22Senior Contributor20 Sept 2024, 4:09 pm AEST

Re: Is my husband mentally unwell?

Hi @Mudcake

Welcome to the forums. I'm glad you have found us.

It sounds like you are in a really tough situation at the moment with your husband. It can be so hard when someone you care so deeply for sees things from a completely different perspective to you.

You mentioned that your husband has moved out - are you still communicating with each other? Has anything changed with his attitude since you are not living together?

It also sounds like your husband has alot of complex mental health issues that he needs to work through. You mentioned that your husband doesn't believe in getting help due to the time and money factor, I'm wondering if you could perhaps see a couples therapist together if this is something that could move on from there? If you go and see the therapist together to work towards your common goal of a peaceful and happy life together, things may come up with the therapist surrounding you husbands past and they may be able to suggest that he see someone by himself to help work through that?

The resources that @Ru-bee mentioned in their post are also great places to have a look at. Another I thought of is Blue Knot Foundation. There are quite a lot of resources on the website surrounding dealing with trauma.

Just putting your husband aside for a moment ...there is a lot going on for YOU - dealing with these issues with your husband and him moving out, how are you coping at the moment? Its great that you have been able to reach out here on the forums, but I'm wondering if you have any supports for you? Friends, family etc that you can talk to? Are you looking after yourself (self-care)?

I hope things improve for you and your husband.

Warm regards

SkySeeker22

In response to: Re: Is my husband mentally unwell?

MudcakeCasual Contributor20 Sept 2024, 5:53 pm AEST

Re: Is my husband mentally unwell?

Thank you for your response. His main reason for refusing professional help is because he believes god is helping him. And he keeps telling me if I’d only just come clean everything would be fixed.

In response to: Re: Is my husband mentally unwell?

MudcakeCasual Contributor20 Sept 2024, 5:56 pm AEST

Re: Is my husband mentally unwell?

We still communicate but it’s a merry-go-round of the same things. That he believes I need to tell the truth so we can move forward. I’ve become more worried today as he says he has been involuntarily fasting and that it’s a sign from god that he will get more messages to prove him right about me being a liar.

In response to: Re: Is my husband mentally unwell?

tymeModerator20 Sept 2024, 6:08 pm AEST

Re: Is my husband mentally unwell?

It sounds like he isn't very well at the moment at all @Mudcake . I can see why you are concerned. Unfortunately, unless there is a safety issue, there's not much you can do.

I'm just tagging @SkySeeker22 @Ru-bee so they don't miss your responses above.

I hope you find the support you need @Mudcake

In response to: Re: Is my husband mentally unwell?

MudcakeCasual Contributor23 Sept 2024, 6:31 am AEST

Re: Is my husband mentally unwell?

Sorry im unsure if this is the correct field to reply.
my husband has taken me on a roller coaster of emotions this weekend. We’ve both cried and been angry at different stages. He says he wants to respect my decision not to come clean about wanting another man and that time will heal him and bring trust back. But now he says again the only way to repair this is for me to tell the truth so it proves I want a clean start and he can start to build trust. He’s gone to stay in a share house and said he’s going to work on himself (talk to god etc) and meanwhile wants me to take a good look at myself. I think he’s the one who should be worried about losing me.

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