Long Post - Need Help, At The Lowest Point

Hi all, I know this is going to be a long post so if you have the time to read, I would really appreciate it. I am at rock bottom with everything. I’m lost, lonely, haven’t had a good night sleep in years, I spend pretty much everyday at home and I hate it, anxiety/depression is at the lowest.

I’m 20yo and a male. Before I explain everything on what happened, I’ll give you all some background on who I am/was. Nearly 3 years ago life wasn’t great but it was definitely a lot better than now. I lost one of my best mates from school in a drink driving crash. Yes, he was drink driving, no he didn’t k*ll/hit anyone. It was late at night and he lost control and hit a poll going over 140km/h. I’ll always say it was stupid and dumb, I’m also glad he didnt k*ll anyone else but it doesn’t mean I miss him everyday. It also sucked because it was a few weeks out from graduation and we planned on going to schoolies.

As I still think about him everyday, I can say I have moved on from that. It took me a while but at the time I had so many people looking out for me/caring for me and I mean hundreds as they knew I was one of his closest friends. I had a good bunch of 30-40 mates I talked to on a daily basis helping me through it all. Luckily I dropped out of school beforehand otherwise I wouldnt cope the last few weeks of graduation.

While those weeks after his death was tough, this girl sent me a message giving me her condolences the day after his death. I didn’t know her personally, but I knew of her through mutual friends and she knew of me. We kinda kept in contact for a bit until we formally met each other at a friends house for drinks. To keep in mind I knew something wasn’t right with her as she was also crying and spending her time away from everyone else. I decided to sit down with her and talk. She had her own problems and she admitted that she got cheated on + had an STD and she was bl**ding down there every time she would have sex. Now I’ve heard some stories about this girl. She is an extremely attractive girl. Yes, the stories were true as I found out later on. To sum it up, she liked to get around. Even to her teacher and some things I don’t wanna repeat. Keep in mind we were 18 at the time. Even some psychotic things she has said or done. Nonetheless, we talked for a while, sharing my trauma with my friend passing away while she shares hers but from the conversation alone I thought she was a really nice, caring and funny person. I pretty much forgot all of those at the time stories about her.

We grew pretty close after that, I considered her my best friend vice versa. We even spent a lot of time at schoolies after she came down after her holiday with the girls. Life wasn’t great but I had a lot of support. I had a lot of good memories with her during those months. My parents came back from holiday over summer and they all had COVID. At the time it was all about the isolation but coincidentally she was house sitting for a couple of weeks for a friend at her work so she invited me to stay. Bare in mind, we were best friends and she didn’t invite anyone else to stay for the 2 weeks. All I can say from it, it was enjoyable and we said to each other we could live with each other. Over the last 4 months of knowing each other we really blended in a short time.

Well about a few days after I went back home, I got a message late at night from her. She admitted feelings for me. Honestly should’ve saw it coming but I didn’t. Apparently she had these feelings for a while but I was sceptical as she would say she misses her ex and she would try and talk to a lot of guys. I even questioned it and she said it was to make me jealous? Probably a red flag right off the bat. Now I had no feelings towards her and I made it clear to her that I didn’t. I also said I am in a rough spot in life and I didn’t wanna bring her into my emotions. But I did say I’ve always enjoyed my time with her. I’ve never been in a relationship before as well. She took it as a rejection and I said to her I don’t wanna lose contact with you over this, its fine.

After a week went by I told her we should do something together, she also had covid but after she was allowed out we hung out. Over that week I thought to myself, maybe I should give it a go. A relationship might do me good as I’ve never been in one. I also really do enjoy my time with her and I thought she was funny, stunning, outgoing etc. I caught feelings pretty quick and about a month later we were officially dating. Now to keep in mind, I had people warn about her, even her own friends before dating her. They all pretty much said around the same thing, she is crazy. She has been in relationships before but her longest being 3 months. At the time I took the opinions lightly and I basically ignored it as I was pretty much in love. It’s weird because during those 4-5 months of knowing her, I could say going back I saw it. Even more weird, people still really liked her. I guess its her good side personality outweighs her bad side to people.

Well, after we took things off. Things were great at the time. I genuinely loved her, and she loved me. We may had an argument here n there but I guess that was normal. We had some great times together that I probably won’t forget. I thought I was gonna marry her vice versa. Even her own parents said to me that shes never been this much in love. She also still had issues with her vagina bl**ding but every time we had sex it was 100% consensual. It wasnt often but I made it clear to her at the start that I am completely okay with it. Although I did tell her to get it checked out and I would even go with her for support but she was too embarrassed. I forgot to mention she didn’t tell anyone about this but me and her 2 best friends. I couldn’t force her to go but I just thought what if it was something bad.

About 5 months later, things start to take a turn in our relationship. I started seeing what other people were telling me about how she was crazy. Every time we had an argument, and they were getting frequent, she would absolutely go batshit crazy until she would get her way of the argument. These arguments could be as small as who is going to drive etc. Looking back at some of the arguments I was being manipulated. She was trying to turn me into someone I wasn’t and getting her idea as the perfect boyfriend (I will do everything you say). It shouldn’t be like that right? There was a period where she wouldn’t even let me see my mates until I basically said to her I am not your dog and let me have a bit of freedom. Things were getting shaky and I started stressing a lot in this relationship. I even felt trapped because it felt like if I broke up with her she would straight abuse me.

About 6 months into it I hated it but I still loved her and she would say the same thing back. It was like good but terrible at the same time. One night we got into a massive argument, and I honestly couldn’t remember why since we had so many but the next day she told me something that completely through me off. She told me I forced her into having sex with her, that was it. Now in my head I was flabbergasted. I’ve never thought I’d be pictured in this situation. I had 2 thoughts in my mind tell her say no I didn’t or basically tell her sorry. I went with the second option and I deeply regret it. Bare in mind we didn’t have sex a couple months before this because her vagina was bl**ding and it was painful. I would never in my life do anything like that to someone. I don’t know how to prove it to a bunch of strangers but I have a little sister and it makes me burn to think if anything like that happened to her. I’ve had sexual relationships beforehand but never once I had someone say that to me. It still kills me to think I’ve been pictured that.

Now the reason why I said sorry was because of a number of things. I wasn’t in a good space mentally, she was all I really had at the time. My relationship with my dad wasn’t great, I was pretty much at her house all the time. My best mates death still brought me down a lot and I didn’t wanna question her again as we would argue and she would always get it her way. I felt like it was a lose lose situation for me regardless. Anyways, I said sorry and I wish I asked her when did I do those things but I didn’t. She said it was okay and we still slept in the same bed that night. I told her she could leave me if she wanted to but she didnt and she wanted to fix this relationship. Well it was basically hell for me as she manipulated me so many times, every time she would start an argument (please believe me, she would start it) and it would always go her way. I had enough of it so basically we went out for a mutual friends birthday, we got pretty drunk and she was having an argument that she wanted to catch a train home instead of an uber. Bare in mind, I was paying for it. It was literally that stupid. She got in the car and didn't speak a word to each other. We got back to her place and her mum was still up. Me being drunk I decided to talk to her mum when she fell asleep. I told her everything, even what she said to me and how she is bl**ding from down there and its painful and her own mum said that she’s a bit crazy. Her own mum?! She told me everything will be okay and she’ll talk to her in the morning. She also did tell me she has aspergers but I already knew.

Well she broke up with me next day and I was broken. She told me we can still be friends and we were still talking after. I really regret it but at the time I still felt like she was all I had. After a few days she admits she misses me, starts crying and she wants to try again. I said okay and after a night out we started again but not for long. I went out with a few friends for a night, I even invited her like always but she said she didn't want to go. Now my mum was in hospital after she hurt her back and my friends decided I should go out out just to take my mind off it. After that night I asked if I could go back to hers and she said no for the first time ever. I said why and she said it was 2am and its late and she wanted some space. I said I couldn’t go home because mum was in hospital and dad was at home and I didn’t wanna be home with just him. I even offered to sleep in the spare room. She cracks the shits with me and said yes so thats what I did. It was weird because she was completely fine with me that afternoon before I caught up with the boys at night. And my own mum was in hospital and I was pretty upset about it, I just needed her and she couldn’t do that.

Well I slept in the spare room for the first time and I had to be there with mum early next morning. She texted me this time saying she was breaking up with me again because I invaded her personal space and that was that. This time though I felt like I kinda got away from her but I still missed her. We traded clothes and items a few days later and she told me again that its never going to work out. At the time it sucked because I still loved her, even though in 2 minds I knew it was for the better. We decided to be pretty mutual and agreed not to talk to each other. 8 months all for nothing. All of my mates were supportive at the time and knew she was crazy. I even told a couple of my closest friends on what she said to me about forcing her to have sex with me. They were all there for me.

I was celebrating a friends birthday on a boat and I got extremely drunk. To the point I hit my head and fell into a coma. I don’t remember it but I was in a coma for 5 days. Now I probably got that messy drunk because of her but who knows, I don’t remember. All my mates said I looked okay that day. I got out of hospital and I basically had to rest for a while. My ex even sent my mum flowers as well. What I do remember though I was upset that life was shit. I couldn’t do anything, me and dad still didn't have a good relationship and the girl I loved broke up with me.

So I decided to be more stupid and went out drinking a couple days after I got out of hospital. Now it was stupid when I look back at it. Everyone said it was but it was my choice at the end of the day. But one person in particular was mad, my ex. She msgd me saying some harsh shit and told me I was looking for attention. Which wasn’t the case at all, I was just upset with everything and being a bit reckless. A week later I was out again drinking at a club and she decided to hit me from behind and yell at me. For the first time in my life I yelled at her back, I never once raised my voice at her, even when we got into arguments. She would always yell at me. She then decided to hit me multiple times in the face. I didn’t even defend myself because I was so shocked that she was assaulting me in a nightclub full of people. Her own friends pulled her away from me. Of course no security saw so she got away with it. What she said after made me even more shocked. She was going around saying I r*ped her. Now that really hurt. I don’t know how you can defend yourself from those accusations. To this day I still don’t know how. From a friend at the time she said I did it in the last month of our relationship and she went into the bathroom in crying.

Before I say anything more, I would never do anything like that. And its all completely false because we didn’t have sex for the last 3 months of our relationship. The first 2 months was because her vagina was in pain and the other month was because we broke up and I was too scared to even think about approaching it to her. In our whole time of our relationship I always made sure it was consensual and SHE wanted to because of whats happening down there. It was even established before we even dated. We also barely had sex and every time we did, she would most of the time initiate it. I would never do it and this isnt the first time she has made these accusations against other guys. I will explain later and I’m sure they have to be false as well.

So the day later, I made a decision. I got a DVO placed against her. Even mentioning the r*pe because I know its false. I purely did it because I thought it would make her calm down and stop being crazy. Well it was quite the opposite. She started going crazy. I also started to lose a lot of friends by the day while I was saying I am innocent. None of them contacted me about it but I knew there was a weird sense in the room whenever I walked in. It was all because of her and her accusations. She would put on no caller ID and call me multiple times a night, I had ex group chats where she would say horrible things and delete it so she wouldn’t get caught by the DVO and I even had a voice messages from random no caller id guys saying f*ck you, ur a c*nt etc.

It hurts a lot. Day by day, the people I was closest to would turn their back on me. They would not include me anymore every time they would go out for the night. I even saw she started texting them and I don’t even want to know. She even started talking to the guy that said she got r*ped by. So when she told me that she got r*ped by this guy, it was all lies. Shes the biggest narcissistic, liar and manipulative person I know and it sucks because I loved her.

After 6 months I decided to not continue the DVO because I thought she would stop these messages, being snarky and move on. Bare in mind she would do everything so she wouldn’t break the DVO terms. At the time I felt like it was right. She eventually stopped doing what she was doing because she has already got what she wanted.

I lost everyone, and I mean everyone. I am the loneliest I have ever been my life. Its been 2 years since all of this has happened. I thought it would get better the day she broke up with me but its the opposite. I am off social media fully, no snapchat or instagram. I thought it would do me justice by not seeing what my ex-mates are doing but after over a year I can’t help myself but to look. They have all moved on from me and thats what hurts most. I have rebuilt my relationship with my dad since this has happened because he knows this has taken a big toll on me but I barely leave my room. I went from going out most weekends, seeing my friends, spending most of my time with my ex, to know my identity being completely tarnished by lies. Some of my extended family are even weary but I’ve never painted myself a rapist. Nor has anyone else. Its crazy because everyone has warned me about her from the start and thought I was too good to her since I was “nice & caring”. While dating her, everyone said I treated her so well. Now I am stuck at home alone, I talk to about 2 people at most now, apart from work. I do marketing and my position is outsourced so I don’t keep in contact with people outside of work since they don’t live in this state. I go to the gym 4-6 times a week but after those 2 hours it just depression and anxiety.

The 2 friends I keep in contact with are from school but they share no interests with me. They pretty much play video games everyday and as much as I thank them for being there for me I wish I could do more with them. I’ve tried to get them out of the house but they just smoke weed everyday and play video games outside their jobs.

I am on anti-depressants for well over a year and I’m currently at the gp seeing if I need new ones but they never seem to work. I still feel depressed and my anxiety is at the worst. I struggle to meet new people, I am always like that but my confidence is at an all time low. My hobbies are slowly fading away as well and I have no one to do it with. I rarely drink now, maybe once every couple of months and I don’t do drugs. I have also seen multiple therapists but in all honesty I don’t seem to get better and it now costs money which I can barely afford.

What I will add is I wasn’t the best boyfriend if I am being honest. We met while I was in a bad mental state like her but I thought she would make things better. In a way she did but not really as well. She would always see my problems first hand regarding my friend passing, family issues and I always felt bad bringing her into them even though she knew before we dated and she was completely okay with it. It was the same vice versa with her problem but I was super supportive and was even to the point where I would put her over me in any situation, including arguments. I was pretty insecure as well considering she’s had sex with a lot of guys and shes done some questionable stuff regarding it so I wouldn’t let her talk to them. And I mean theres a lot. This was my first relationship so I didn’t know how to go about a few things like being romantic etc. She was a very romantic person. But in no way I would ever rape her or do anything like that. If you don’t believe me that’s okay, I’ve tried.

If you do believe me or somewhat, I just don’t want to feel like this anymore. I don’t feel suicidal because I want to get over this. She is a horrible person. I honestly wish the next guy good luck. Although its been 2 years of this and I don’t know how long I can go about this. It’s hard meeting new people but its also hard knowing all your friends you once thought they were, choose her over someone you’ve been through hell with and back. It makes no sense. I know this is a long post but in all honesty I’ve tried to shorten this as much as I could. I just want someone to talk to that’s all.