Thank you for sharing and utilising this forum to get supported during this phase - Firstly, this is a great space and I'm sure someone will have very kind support to offer, if not additional tips.
It feels like I was meant to read this post today!! The reason is because I'm in a similar situation with my husband and everything you have described seems like it applies to us too, minus the part where you're getting support and working with a professional - which as you can imagine is the root cause of fights because that's important to show to the other person that we get that we have things to resolve and we want to do it even if it's uncomfortable because we care about this relationship. I've been doing my bit but he's very hesitant/inconsistent at best.
It's not easy when 2 ppl with their own trauma try to build a life together and are now parents and understandably have a high standard for how they want to parent their kids (to not pass on the trauma and break those patterns).
I'm not sure if the above might help create some compassion - for yourself and for your wife being so hard on you to become "perfect". It's not right, but you might be able to validate her and your need to keep working on things.
Does she a therapist individually or join you in marriage therapy? Because after a point, it's both. You can do your work but if she's not working on her behaviour, it'll be very triggering to you, and it's impossible to expect a person to uphold therapy learnings in that state of hurt and anger, we will almost always default and then feel shame etc., that we did.
People think therapy helps. It does. Therapy also creates expectations from ourselves and can become rules instead of guidelines.. If no matter what you try, she's unhappy, it might be interesting to visit a therapist together to get her view - is she comparing you with someone else? Is her trauma repeating from some ex ego didn't show up and she's unable to separate past with yourself who's clearly showing that you will do anything. Can she not use threats as that really hurts and demotivates you even though it's valid and she has every right to feel that way but can she tell it to you when she's calm instead of as a threat?
She might be feeling very out of control and looks like despite your work, what she needs aren't being met - would it help to get some space from the house, go into nature or beach or something and ask her I'm doing these things but what am I missing, if my behaviour is still hurting you often? Could you tell me top 3 times recently or in the past when I hurt you or angered you so I can work on it.. (it's important not to come across like you're doing it for her or the kids. Show her you're doing it because you want to and see value in therapy and it has helped you so much.).
Listening is hard because she won't be perfect and still say things that will make you want to be defensive, explain, excuse, apologise, fix - it's all natural. But try to simply notice that cause and effect to learn more about what bits she says bring that reaction for you. Can you wait for your turn after she's done and share.. I acknowledge what you're sharing, I hear it. I will need some time to process it and I'll get back to you (this time helps to go away from the topic rather than keep discussing as it'll escalate in an emotional state).
All this is easier said than done but I want to assure you, your wife is really lucky to have someone that's willing to be vulnerable and seek therapy.
It's normal to feel you're not being appreciated and seen for your efforts. I get the same feedback. It's hard for me to do because either I have no idea what my husband was working on or the times he slips up are so hurtful that my focus at that point is only on that.
We're not perfect, we're humans. But we need to respect each other. If someone's decided they don't like us, we will not change their mind but working harder. Our job is to focus on our self improvement, do things that will de-stress us so we can be our best version and if a partner or colleague or whoever is triggering us with every little thing they do - if it gets to this stage, it's really hard and becomes about blame and contempt.
John Gottman guidelines are very helpful.
But please know you can't do this all alone. When she raises an issue, you can always tell her.. I'm happy to take ownership for my bits but could you also look at your involvement in this situation escalating - we both have the same goal, to create a peaceful home that we didn't have growing up. Let's not take out outside issues on each other.. We're a team
Good luck 💯
