making friends

Hi @billyjoe and welcome to the forums

Putting yourself out there and making friends can be so difficult. I have also definitely struggled with this as I'm naturally a pretty shy person and experience a bit of social anxiety.

Some things that have helped me is to try to remind myself that everyone is thinking about themselves and no one is paying as much attention to me as I am. They probably didn't notice the way I stumbled over my words, and they're not going over every word I said that could be annoying like I am after our conversation ends. You can challenge those thoughts further too, like when you worry that you're going to annoy these new friends ask yourself if there is any proof that this is true, is there any proof that it's not true? We can see there's proof against this thought already because they have invited you to hang out.

It can also help to consciously put yourself in situations where you have to face your worries and fears, the more you do it the easier it can become sort of like a muscle that gets stronger.

Putting yourself out there by posting on the forums is already a great example that you can do difficult things, so you're making progress already!

Hi @billyjoe, welcome to the forum. I grew up with very similar fears. I always found a way to convince myself not to even talk to them sometimes let alone, accept invitations, so I suppose me fear were stronger than yours. I'm in my 50s now and don't have any friends I'd class a really close. I've done exceedingly well at keeping everyone at a distance it seems.

So having dealt with this and tried to figure it out for over half a century... with limited success, but I have learnt a few things. The main one is (and I know exactly how difficult it is) is to have a bit more confidence in yourself. I know it sounds obvious, but the core of it is to accept that some people may not like you, some people will like you a bit, but some people will really like you. So if we assume everyone is one of the first two types then we missed out on the third.

Some of the may think you're weird and/or annoying, but there's only one way to find out. Some people may like weird. Chances are though, they dont! Why would they invite you out if they didn't like you? I know this from any years of personal experience... the vast majority of the bad things we think about ourselves... other people dont see. What they do see, is a person who keeps refusing invitations or not getting more involved and they then start to think that person isn't interested and so the invites stop. Not because of what they think about you, but because they think you're not interested.

I still dread going to things where there are other people there, especially people I don't know! Yeah, its gotten easier but it still makes me very uncomfortable. I know I usually have a good time, but I still worry about what people might think of me. So we may not know if people like us or not, but if people really don't like you... you will know. And that's the thing I try to always keep in mind... if they do end up not liking me, they'll make it known. It's the people im you're not sure about, but never seem to keep in touch, that I still struggle with. I've been told I do tend to overthink things, and that's probably true. I've been told this by psychologists so it probably is. I think about that as well.

So if they're still your friends, they still invite you out, they still hang out with you, they still talk to you... they like you. I know it's hard, but sometimes in life we just need to accept the truth that some people will like us. Plus I would add, mainly because it makes me feel better about myself as well, that if you don't think a lot about "am I annoying?..." then I think we constantly look for cues from people to find out and try to adjust. Most people wont care and just assume they're not like that and that their friends really like them. In the vast majority of cases that is true, but a some from this group tend to be the ones who everyone finds annoying but no one tells them. Why would someone change if they see no problem?

God knows if I've just made things better or worse for you. I hope the first one. You seem like a good person to me, but like me, you need to stop convincing yourself all your fears are true.

Hi @MJG017

I'm so relating to the overthinking! You made it better, and very relatable 😄

Hi @billyjoe

You're not alone! I think underneath, many people think and feel like this and naturally want to be accepted socially. We're social animals underneath all the civilisation.

I hope you can put your smile on and decide to enjoy yourself no matter what, no matter where, and no matter who you go with 😄 As someone else mentioned, most people are worrying about their own stuff too. You might end up being the person who makes someone else feel at ease? You never know! I'm going to try and take the advice, too.

@billyjoeIt's important to remember there are always other people out there that can relate to what we're going through. We can get so obsessed with our own negative thoughts and doubts that after a while they start to become facts in our heads. So it's always helpful to reach out get some different perspectives to help us to see things without the distorted view we can build for ourselves.