I’m not sure what to do - CPTSD

Hi there @HazelA ,

Welcome to the forums.

I'm absolutely hearing you. I'm sorry you have experienced all this as a child and it has affected you up until today. I'm glad you have been able to reach out.

I can resonate with much of your story in terms of CPTSD and the fear of abandonment. I didn't realise I had a fear of rejection and abandonment until I went to extreme lengths to ensure the person would not leave. I didn't understand much of this until I was diagnosed with BPD. My BPD traits were very strong and it really affected my functioning.

With this fear, I went from being outside, totally independent, but as soon as the fear hit me, I became that little fearful child absolutely dependant on the person.

Upon reflecting on it, I can see how my childhood really affected by ability to cope.

Long story short, I went through a lot of therapy over many years to come to where I am now. Things are certainly a lot brighter and such issues no longer hold me back. to maintain this, I have to do a lot of positive self-talk when I'm feeling vulnerable. I had an uncomfortable situation earlier today, and to get through it, I had to work on reframing my thoughts. I wonder if this is something you have tried in the past?

I read of different things you have tried and I read that you are upset with yourself.

I wonder if your reaction is really a survival mechanism that you revert back to when you feel insecure or unsafe? I hope you find the support you deserve.

Please be kind to yourself.

Thank you, tyme! You are right, it’s absolutely a survival mechanism.

I guess I understand WHY it happens and I know it’s not really my fault but I feel so stuck - like how can I ever move through this?

We have recently moved to a new town where I don’t have many friends or other connections so maybe in time making some new connections will help me to feel safer in my own skin.

I find it very hard to feel “safe” around people to the extent that when I am not with my key “safe people” i.e if I’m away from home or they have to go away then I feel completely and utterly abandoned. Like, I’m on a rock in the middle of the ocean where I can’t reach land - does that make sense?? The weird thing is, I have a lot of friends and am very outgoing but I don’t feel like I have many safe people. Naturally this puts a ton of pressure on my partner. My psychologist says I need to learn to be my own “safe person” and not rely on others for psychological safety. I find that almost impossible at this point.

If anyone has any other advice of things they’ve tried for adult separation anxiety / dysfunctional attachment / CPTSD, I’d love to connect.

With thanks.

hi @HazelA

what helped me was to find a way to put some emotional distance between myself and my problem, to become less attached to it, which then makes it that much easier to discard

you said in your first post you were "furious" at yourself, and that's the kind of thing I mean

think of the issue as something that just "is", rather than something to get angry about

it's not your fault so there's no need to judge yourself about it

when you think of it more clinically as just a "thing" that you have, rather than something that is part of your identity, then you can more easily find strategies to deal with the problem rather than berating yourself for having it

your psychologist is right that you need to be your own safe person, but you're also right that it's impossible to do that in one step

so you break it down into smaller steps

can you find a small task that you can do on your own that you feel completely secure and comfortable doing?

do that task, and notice what that feels like, and notice that you own that feeling, it's all yours

do the task more often, and really practise feeling that security and comfort

change the task a little bit, and see if you can maintain that level of security and comfort

try a related task, or a do it in a different place, or otherwise make it more of a challenge

gradually increase the range of tasks and circumstances that you can bring that feeling to, all the time really noticing how you are feeling, and congratulating yourself for your progress

over time, that feeling of security and comfort will become more and more dominant until one day you might find that the original fear and insecurity has receded so far that it gets forgotten

does that sound like it's doable?

if you want to look it up, it's a technique called "kaizen" and it's a solid, proven way of making really big changes by taking small steps

Hi @HazelA ,

How are you today?

Oh, also @HazelA , we sent you an email on Wednesday. Are you able to respond when you can?