I have hit rock bottom (again)

Hey @CertifiablySane ,

I can certainly relate to your post. So much so, I thought you were talking about me!

"I present as someone who does the right thing, is thoughtful, intelligent and generous. After the snapping, it is all gone." That was me all over. And the more I didn't want to do it, the more I found myself in this situation.

"I would rather hide out in the bush somewhere earning a living online and make a beautiful garden. I am at peace when pottering in the garden, potting up plants, taking cuttings and making the garden like a fairyland. The thinking comes into play when I design the garden. Have done this for several years but can't where I am currently renting."

This was something I always wanted to do as a way of getting away from the world and getting away from life. BUT... it never happened.

Many many years down the track, I'm still here. And no, I don't live in the bush. No, I don't have a beautiful garden. No, I don't have fairies.

But yes, life is a lot more peaceful on my end now. The depressive days have passed, and I can see good things to come.

I stayed home, under the bed covers for over a decade. I had antidepressants, mood stabilsers, and anti anxiety meds. I never thought the doom and gloom would leave me. But it did.

Hugs to you @CertifiablySane . I hear you loud and clear. I hear your pain and your hurt.

Please know you are not alone.

@CertifiablySaneI can identify with a lot of what you wrote, apart from the snapping at people. I don't generally do that, but other than that it's the same... lose that cheery funny persona because I'm feeling a bit down and friends will just disappear seeming taking it as a personal insult that i'm not all jokes and smiles like I usually am. Never mind that most of the time that is just me presenting that front because I know the results of not doing it. It's so tough, and I don't really see any of them any more.

The deer in the headlights is also very familiar... I just freeze up in some social situations, especially when I was younger. I just don't know what to say or do and it feels like the cog in my brain is spinning like crazy but the rubber band has slipped off.

I don't really have any other advice for you, because if I did, I could give it to myself as well. I hope you do find some more peace and I know how much it feels like it, but you're not alone. I've only just learnt this and I think it's important to remember and seek out people who understand, like you've done here. Take care of yourself and all the best to you.

Wow! Thanks for that. My doldrums don't last that long!

To have the garden I dream of means heading into the country really to live on my own with the space.

I also sell plants but not allowed to do it in my co-living rental house. Well there isn't the room in the tiny garden areas anyway.

I chose this out of desperation to have somewhere to live on the Pension after weighing up the options. Roof or garden to grow and sell plants.

Being driven by impulse and fear of homelessness hasn't produced the results I wanted.

TBH I am not good as an employee and always get fired so I would rather work for myself. My stuff-ups are my problem that no-one knows about except my pocket! I did earn a tidy sum selling plants and loved it of course.

I have done some horrible things to people who didn't deserve it through my foul temper and words. I was despicable as a teenager getting away with 'murder' from self-entitlement and a rich father who let me.

Here I am at 73 poor and lonely looking back on the behaviour of a spoil brat who narrowly escaped danger several times through my bravado nor was I jailed for DUI.

I did not understand what being responsible meant and still don't.

Looks like my karma has caught up with me. My thoughts are I deserve this and must pay for it now.

Part of my karma burn-offs was an emergency colon resection over 3 years ago that ruined my life up till recently. Apparently I swallowed a 10cm rose twig which ripped my colon in 3 places and had a major infection. I had no rose bushes and certainly did not break off a piece from someone's garden to eat it. I would have noticed it going down my throat and tearing it!

It is a mystery to all and sundry but I know it was karma.

So I will work on my dream of a stunning garden and cranking up the plant business again.

Thanks for reading this,

Thanks muchly for that!

Yes I am very funny when I want to be and everyone loves it. I am very good at it! It's a front alright!

Someone said ' the sad clown' which is true I guess.

But when I can't be funny I am not really likeable and hibernate.

I feel like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. I make friends as Jekyll and lose them with Hyde.

I do control myself to be assertive not aggressive but sometimes I can't.

I did a free masterclass online on how to stop procrastinating last week. One thing stuck in my mind one of the facilitator's clients said of himself, he was an imposter.

I feel like one.