medication woes

i was treated for many years for anxiety and depression that i could never seem to overcome, and none of the doctors or psychologists ever seemed interested in finding out why. i was left feeling like it was my fault i never 'got better,' because i wasn't trying hard enough, and i was a defective human.

i finally found out i had autism and adhd, which explained why i had such a hard time coping. before i had adhd medication i felt like an unperson. i couldn't think straight, so i had no idea who i was or where i wanted to be in life. i couldn't enjoy any hobbies or interests because i had no motivation, energy or focus. even watching a tv show was a chore, because i had to force myself to pay attention. i felt worthless because i struggled to feed and bathe myself, i never learned how to drive, i procrastinated all my study, and couldn't stand working so always quit jobs after a few months. just existing in everyday life was so hard for me i felt life was not worth living no matter what positives there were, they simply couldn't make up for the immense struggle to just survive.

the medication was a total miracle. i thought i was dreaming because i never believed my life could be like this. for the first time i was in touch with who i am, and i realised i was transgender. i suddenly wanted to try new things and enjoy hobbies like journaling, music and sport. i got a job i enjoyed and didn't quit. managing everyday life was so effortless, and rewarding - even boring chores, i enjoyed them because they weren't so hard anymore, and i actually felt good after doing them.

well, the longer i was on this medication my sleep got worse and worse until i was no longer sleeping at all at night no matter what the doctor prescribed to help. i tried every other medication and i could not tolerate any of them with the awful side effects. there is only one left that i'm trying now, but it's the type that takes many weeks to kick in and see if it works. i have also never heard of anyone who had success with this medication anyway, and it's very, very expensive.

guys, i just can't bear it. i can't bear feeling like i used to, with my mind in chaos and every single thing is too hard so all i can do is sit on the couch and look at my phone while my brain is screaming that it's so bored it wants to smash everything in the room. i cry every day at work because it's so frustrating. i know i should have hope because there's a chance this medication may help, but after trying so many things i just feel defeated. i also went through a long drawn out and scary process trying to find an anti depressant i could take, and i am so tired of pills and side effects. it feels like i went on such a long journey, found my correct diagnosis but it doesn't even matter because i can't take the treatment. so i was right, all those years, when i said i was a deficient person and would never find a way to make life liveable.

well, i don't know what i hope to gain from this but thanks for reading it anyway. i feel like no one sees adhd as a serious condition but it honestly makes me feel like i am crazy because i have no control over my actions or thoughts. and i don't know what you're supposed to do when you're in a situation like this. just grin and bear it and hold your life together somehow... what if i can't?

ps i would never harm myself so please don't worry about that or tell me to call lifeline.