My Journey to being diagnosed with DID

Hello, I figured I would write out my story since I'm new and I finally feel like I've been diagnosed with something that describes everything I've ever experienced.

I will be referencing abuse, suicide, and self-harm but I will not go into detail; I will not describe the specifics of any of my abuse, suicide attempts, or self-harm.

I will try to tell my story in chronological order, but I still do not have a full detailed picture due to my disorder, and most of these details were realized years later. I was just recently diagnosed so I still have my entire recovery journey ahead of me.

I experienced abuse throughout my entire life, and my flashbacks date my earliest experiences with abuse to before I was able to talk. between the ages of 0 - 18 I was constantly experiencing some form of abuse at the hands of my parents, family members, teachers, and peers. My memory of my childhood is very poor, and when I meet with people from my past they often surprise me with descriptions of my thoughts, feelings, and actions that I can never remember or even recognize as my own. I have forgotten entire people, relationships, and experiences that others can recall clearly.

The symptoms of my mental health issues began to impact me during my high school years as I had many, many self-harm and suicide attempts during this time. I had many issues maintaining and keeping friendships/relationships. I was in and out of hospitals. My parents would blatantly deny any history of trauma, and so professionals would often diagnose me with bipolar. If a therapist suspected I had a history of trauma I would be removed from their care. When I was 18 I finally saw a psychiatrist alone and they diagnosed me with BPD. I am unsure if BPD was ever the correct diagnosis for me as my symptoms are better explained by DID/CPTSD, but I did find the diagnosis to be helpful in terms of first recognizing the potential impact trauma had on me.

During my teenage years, I did mention my alters to a small handful of people, but I did not know anything about DID and thus did not know how to comprehend what I was experiencing. I was not aware of the online DID community except for several YouTubers who displayed overt symptoms. I was also completely unaware of how much of my life was locked away in my mind as it's hard to recognize what you've forgotten after you've forgotten it. I did try at the age of 19 to bring my dissociative symptoms up with my psychiatrist, but they were instantly waved away as a potential part of BPD or as a fantasy.

between the ages of 19 - 21, I attempted to go to college far away from my parents, but my parents did not want to financially back my schooling and I did not have any source of income. I was also very mentally unwell to the point of still going in and out of the hospital and I made several more suicide attempts. I was put through several different BPD-related treatments such as a day program and DBT but these were not successful. I also unfortunately made friends with someone who took me into her care and began to abuse me in ways that I do not feel comfortable detailing. Eventually, I had to return to my mother's house, and my mother pushed me to aim for a specific degree that I previously did not have any interest in via finally financially backing my education. I did well in school and got a job, and I was heavily relying on my DID to compartmentalize my abuse so that I could function in everyday life.

While living with my mother I was in a very abusive relationship that I finally broke free of in late 2021.

In early 2022 I went onto a BPD forum and asked if having people in your head who remembered things you didn't was a normal part of BPD. I was told to look into OSDD and from there, I suddenly gained a key to finally understanding what was wrong with me. I began to look into DID/OSDD and suddenly my brain made sense. Over the next 2 years, I participated in the community and began to map out my system, but I was also very careful to not self-diagnose. I also met my current partner who helped me on every step of my journey.

In late 2022 I could no longer handle my mother's abuse, so I moved to live with my partner. Because of being removed from my abusive environment, I began to have more flashbacks and trauma-related symptoms as my brain seemingly decided it was time to process everything we had gone through. I reached out to the public mental health system and was finally diagnosed with DID and CPTSD, and was told that I did not qualify for BPD. Some of the professionals that I met during this time were very confused by my BPD diagnosis as they felt I was potentially misdiagnosed due to sexism as well as a lack of understanding of my trauma. My trauma was finally recognized and validated.

Currently, everything I know about my past feels more like recalling the life of a character from a book rather than my own life. I often doubt what little memories I have and sometimes gaslight myself into thinking that I somehow made everything up. It is very, very hard to accept my diagnosis even after two years of questioning and professional recognition. I try my best to get along with my alters and make sure that all of our voices are heard, and my partner treats each one of us how we want to be treated. I still do not feel safe as I am constantly hypervigilant when it comes to any potential future abuse, but I am currently the happiest I have ever been. I still struggle with self-harm but the time between incidents is gradually increasing. I also currently deal with trauma-related OCD and I have previously been diagnosed with ADHD but I am unsure if I have ADHD or dissociative fugue. I still have many, many questions about my past, present, and future but hopefully, through treatment, I'll understand my story fully.

Thank you for reading, if you have any questions related to my diagnosis, treatment, or life feel free to comment!