Hi @Parzival
I'm sorry to hear you are still having a hard time. It is so hard to function when your mind tells you that you want to die as soon as you open your eyes and it being your last thought before sleep, I'm sure it makes going to bed anxiety provoking.
I found those to be my most difficult days.
My psychologist told me to remember that our minds lie to us and these thoughts are more likely to come up when we are facing things in life that are difficult or feel impossible to get through.
While in the moment it feels like you are going to feel like this forever, know it is temporary.
I found saying STOP out loud when the thoughts came up to be a quick way to try to snap my mind out of it. It's not a cure, but I found it did help in the moment.
Take care of yourself as best you can, and make sure you reach out to.. well anywhere.. friends, family, this forum, or any other mental health service should the thoughts become overwhelming.
You will get through this and you are a lot stronger than you think. You reached out on this forum, that is a great start. I hope you wake up one day soon with a clear mind, but don't punish yourself for what you are going through at this moment.
I hope today is a brighter day for you, but if not, thats ok too. Better things are on the horizon even if you cant see it right now.