I am chronically terrified and it's ruining my life

Dear @GlossyHygrocybe ,

Thank you for sharing.

We really appreciate your honesty and can see how you have reflected on what has happened recently.

It sounds like you really want things to work out, yet at the same time, both parties are battling struggles that come with trauma. I hear you love her very much and you want things to work out.

Do you have professional supports in place who can work through some of these strategies with you? I hear you came away from hospital with a quiver full of strats, but just need time to practice them?

For me, it look about 3 years of practice with a trained therapist. It wasn't easy at all, but it was worth it because the results are better than I could have ever imagined.

I don't want to sound like mindfulness is the be all, end all, but something that eventually worked for me was the power of mindfulness. I learnt to control my own mind. I never used to be able to do this so that my actions reflected my tumultuous emotional state.

Now, I am a lot more mindful of how my actions are affected by my thinking and therefore can manage the thinking so that I do engage in harmful behaviours - or less of them anyway.

I CAN be done. Hold on to hope and work with it. Show yourself self-compassion.

Hey @GlossyHygrocybe, I really feel your vulnerability with this post in the love you have for this person, thank you for sharing this with us.

Love is such a tricky and powerful thing that can bring out both the best and the worst in us, you are not alone. I really resonated with a lot of what you wrote because I have been there, I have re-enacted many of my past wounds and trauma within my adult relationships and I had no idea what I was doing and I couldn't control it, It sounds like you are very very aware and ready for change. Even in my current relationship of 2 years things have had their moments as we have both had to work through some issues similar to as you describe.

Getting yourself the right supports and self care in place will help a lot. I saw a psychologist, started reading a lot about trauma and healthy relationships, established good self care and I journal a lot for therapy too. I wonder what the journey could look like for you?

You are not going to be evil, you are loving and lovable and you can make an excellent mother someday if that is what you want 💜

Thanks for replying. I have supports in place yes, a psychologist and I am journaling more than I ever have in my entire life. I filled two thirds of a journal in two and a half weeks. I bought a CBT workbook for autistic adults and I am looking forward to practicing. Tonight my partner and I had a chat and it was actually really good. I just want to be a good partner to them and a sturdy, reliable person for myself. I'm over a month sober now which is a good start. I just need to stay off the 'super highway' that is my unhealthy coping mechanisms and toxic traits and 'bushwhack' to something new. (A therapist in the hospital told me this).

We love each other very much. She is a beautiful person. I am hoping and trying to heal. Self compassion is the key I believe, something I do struggle with a lot.

Thanks for this

Thank you for your reply this was really kind. I hope I will make a good mother someday. Wonderful that you have found some healing too. Trauma is hard lol