Accepting the things we cannot change

Firstly - this is so minor compared to what most people on this site are going through. I hope that everyone here finds the support they need, and I wish you the best.

But it did seem a good place to vent, in a place where I have no expectations and am hopefully not burdening people.

When looking after me means turning a blind eye... but then other people you love get hurt.

My parents relationship with my siblings and I is complicated. In particular, with one of my sisters.

I have no doubt that my mum (in her 70s) has OCD (she believes it but sees no point in seeking diagnosis or help. We are meant to accommodate it, though) and is most likely neurodivergent in other ways as well (I wouldn't dare suggest it to her, even though I received an innattentive adhd diagnosis last year. Mum brushes it off with "you're an absent minded professor, you're good at so many things, why would it matter if you're forgetful, besides, you have kids, you have a lot on your plate!". Anyhoo.) Perhaps, if today's understanding and care of mental health was around 35 years ago, our family story might have been very different.

Everyone is OK.

But my mum's behaviour can be hurtful, and she can't see it - she always has an excuse. This makes her people pleasing traits quite ironic (lots of people pleasing us when she visits, but only on things we actually don't mind).

And because it has been "it is what it is" for so long, mostly we siblings just ignore it (and vent to each other). Mum lives in a different state to most of us. Phone conversations are an hour at least of mum overtalking - I only call her if I'm in the car on the way to an appointment because I have an out. I mostly don't call her. After a minor car accident once, when I rang her, she jumped straight into the things that were really worrying her and after a while of her talking, I didn't end up bothering to tell her about the accident. Would have just been one more thing to worry about. Family Christmas planning often starts with "so, who isn't mum talking to this year?". And we carry on and get through it all and life goes on.

But sometimes, I feel bad. Mum's relationship with my sister is ... a bit like a broken vase tied together with string. When they do their trips to visit us, they stay with 3 of us siblings for several days, but only text her in the day that they might fit a flying visit in as they travel between one place and another. Not that staying much longer is what either of them want - but it's the lack of consideration that hurts and like it doesnt matter to mum if they see her or not. It's been this way for years.

And today my sister rang me in tears - her walls came down. They had texted her "will you be home this afternoon" after being in state for nearly 2 weeks and she just wanted to say no. So, I told her it was perfectly fine to say no and not to feel bad (she did say no).

I told my husband - he said my mum is just rude, her mental health conditions are no excuse and really somebody needs to point it out to her next time they plan a trip. I apologised to my sister for not doing more and said that I do just focus on me when these visits are coming up. She said it's OK and that looking after myself is just as important. She said " I figure it's too late for me and my kids, let yours enjoy their grandparents while they can". And that's just so sad.

So... that is me for today.

I spend time learning what I can about mental health - adhd, ocd, etc. I think it's too late for my mum. She has her unhealthy coping mechanisms (benign, but not good for relationships). Dad enables them.

I guess we just keep doing what we do. Keeping the generic communication going with mum via sporadic messages (updates on the kids, yes we're all fine, I hope you and dad are well etc). I mean, it's not bad - even pretty good by a lot of standards.

I'd like to think it could change, especially for my sister.

I don't think it is worth trying though.